Understanding Intimacy

Dear Dr. Jane,

I love my boyfriend but we have problems in the bedroom. We met in college and have lived together since graduation in 2020. We love each other and get along great. The problem is that when we fight, I don’t feel like having sex. Every time this happens, he accuses me of “withholding sex” to manipulate him. He says I’m only doing it to get my way and control him.

During our fights, he says stuff that hurts my feelings. He says he needs sex to feel loved because his love language is physical touch. I know that mine is words of affirmation so we’re kind of off on that. Sometimes, I give in and just have sex with him because I don’t want him to have an attitude even though it feels terrible and I’m not into it at all. When this happens, he accuses me of shutting down to make the sex bad. I usually end up crying in the bathroom, which I hate. I don’t want to be manipulative but I really don’t like sex when I’m not into it. What should I do?

From,

Don’t Touch Me When We’re Fighting

Dear Don’t Touch Me,

First of all, let me say that I completely understand how you’re feeling. And, I completely support you in not having sex when you’re not into it. But, the problem you’re describing is also important to discuss. This type of conversation comes up in many relationships. One person desires sex when there’s conflict because it helps them feel closer during the repair period. The other partner wants to allow the conflict to settle and resolve it using other tools and hates the idea of sex when they don’t feel connected. You’re not alone.

Here’s what I suggest:

Tip #1: Don’t have sex when you’re not into it.

If you’re not feeling open to having sex, don’t do it. I say that with the caveat that if this is happening all the time or even very frequently, it’s indicative of a potential problem in your relationship. Many people don’t prioritize intimacy in their lives and relationships. You may be someone who’s not very sexual (or even asexual) and that’s OK. But, if your sexual openness to your partner is mismatched, address it. During times of conflict, it makes sense that you’re not turned on. But how about the rest of the time? Are you often feeling turned off sexually? Challenging question: Could you be creating conflict to get out of having sex with your partner?

Tip #2: Try to get into it sooner rather than later.

Letting a conflict fester isn’t good for either of you. It’s definitely not good for your connection as partners. If you ask your grandparents, they would tell you that you shouldn’t go to bed mad. I’m not sure that’s essential but I get their reasoning. I think it’s OK to “go to bed mad” as long as you return to the conflict fairly soon when you wake up, or during the next day. It’s understandable that you’re going to be angry and upset some of the time — you’re human! But do what you can to start having sex as soon as you feel open to it. It’s OK to start out slow. Do some easy kissing, spoon together, maybe exchange massages. There’s no rush, but make it a priority to reconnect.

Tip #3: Get help if you can’t resolve the conflict at hand.

Having conflict with your partner is a part of life. What do you argue about? Are you fighting about who spends money and why? Who does the chores or other house things? Drinking? Smoking? Hanging out with friends? Sex? It’s common to have communication problems about these types of things. Maybe it’s time to get help from a skilled relationship therapist or coach. It’s more than worth it to invest the time, energy and money on your relationship. The less conflict you have, the more open you’re going to feel in the bedroom. It’s a win-win for both of you.

You got this!
Xoxo
Dr. Jane

This article appears in The Source Weekly March 13, 2025.