Understanding Intimacy

My husband is always on me to have more sex. We’re in our 40’s and have two kids in elementary school. Right now, we do it 4 or 5 times a month – sometimes more. Is that OK?

—Is That Enough?

Dear Is That Enough,

The question of sexual frequency is one that comes up all the time. It’s an important question because sexual satisfaction is often related to sexual frequency. Of course, the quality of the experiences you’re having together is also important, but how often you do “it” is one of the things people complain (or brag) about.

Some experts say that couples get the full benefit of sexual connection when they have sex on a weekly basis – and that having sex more often doesn’t provide any advantage.

A recent article suggested that couples are getting way too stressed out about having sex even once a week. They said that sex even once a month gives couples the full benefit. Other religious traditions suggest that couples should have sex at least every four days to maintain connection and prevent a “wandering eye” in one or both partners. With so much conflicting information out there in the world, it makes perfect sense that you’re confused about how often you should make love.

Before we dive into frequency, let’s ask a more basic question. That is, why do it at all? What are the benefits of having sex?

Let’s face it. You’re busy. You’re trying to get the bills paid and the kids fed. You’d like to throw in a load, dry it and put it away without losing another sock. For lots of people, adding something vulnerable (and naked) into the mix can seem impossible.

After the kids are grown there are plenty of additional reasons that it’s tough to get busy. You’re tired. You’re cooling off after a vigorous game of pickle ball or a hike up Pilot Butte. You’re dealing with whatever HOA issue just came up or you’re trying to settle your nerves after reading the latest news blast. What’s in it for you to get undressed (emotionally and physically) so that you can do the deed?

Here are the three reasons sex experts like me think getting it on is worth the time, energy and emotional vulnerability that are involved:

Emotional Connection: Sex fosters emotional intimacy and strengthens bonds between partners.
Relationship Satisfaction: Regular sexual activity is often linked to higher levels of relationship satisfaction and overall happiness.
Intimacy and Bonding: Sex allows couples to explore desires, share fantasies, and connect on a deeper level, fostering intimacy.

Let’s assume for a moment that the experts are completely right in this case. When you get undressed and make time to be present with your partner, you feel more emotionally connected, you have more relationship satisfaction and you experience more intimacy and bonding. How wonderful! Even if the hamper’s still loaded with dirty clothes, it’s a good trade-off — even a great one.

Back to your initial question: how often is often enough? Well, if you really believed that you would definitely get the benefits I listed above, I bet you’d be thrilled to get regular intimacy onto your Google Calendar every week or even every day. You might even look forward to it, and think about ways to make it better.

The unfortunate thing is that, sometimes when you have sex, you end up feeling the exact opposite way to the three wonderful things I listed above. You feel lonely, disconnected, dissatisfied and isolated – even incredibly hurt or humiliated.

This is the real problem about frequency – and it holds the answer. It’s physically and emotionally impossible to desire something that isn’t pleasurable. Whether you have sex every night or every quarter isn’t the problem. The problem is whether (or not) you really enjoy it. Of course, you should discuss sexual frequency with your spouse in a kind and measured way. Make a plan and stick to it as much as possible.

But, in truth, when you focus more fully on real pleasure, the question of “how often is often enough” will gradually take care of itself.

You got this.

Xoxo

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.

This article appears in Source Weekly July 3, 2025.