How to Bring Passion Back into a Marriage

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m married and I love my wife. We get along pretty well and we’re intimate twice a week. My problem is that I’m completely bored with it all. There’s no spice — no passion. It always starts with a little bit of kissing, or she just asks me outright if I want to “do it” — no warm up, no sexy texts in advance. Nothing. I appreciate her willingness, but the same old thing is leaving me cold. I could write pages of things that I’d like to try with her, but honestly I don’t think she has any interest in anything new. How do I tell her that I need something more passionate without hurting her feelings?

From,

Bored out of my mind in Bend, OR

Dear Bored,

You’re in good company. This is the kind of problem that I hear about in my office every week. Lots and lots of couples who love each other and have regular intimacy are still unsatisfied with their sex lives. They’ve been doing the same things every time they make love. Sometimes this is because they aren’t feeling very passionate. Sometimes it’s because what they’re doing is repetitive. In either case, one or both members of the couple is disappointed with their intimacy.

I was talking with a client couple about this type of problem last week. I shared with them the fact that Jim and I have this kind of discussion about menu planning in our house. He’s a lot more interested in menu planning filled with delicious and varied meals. We need to work through the conversation about meal and food planning at my house.

Tip #1: Be brave and tell your partner that you need something to change.

I know that this is tough. It’s hard to bring it up. You’re worried that you’re going to hurt her feelings. But this stuff matters. And she’s probably also feeling some kind of uncomfortable about the whole thing, too. So, don’t put the whole thing on her. Just tell her that you’re incredibly grateful to be her partner, that you find her very beautiful and that you want to explore easy ways to make intimacy more fun, playful, and passionate together.

Tip #2: Google a Yes No Maybe List and figure out your options as a couple.

You can do this! These lists are all over the internet. Find your favorite version and go through it together with your partner. If you have trouble finding one that you like, send me a message here and I’ll be happy to share some good options. The yes/no/maybe lists are great because they’ll help you get talking about intimacy without feeling awkward. Sure, it can be embarrassing to think about some of the things that are included in this type of thing, but you’ll likely find a lot more agreement than you imagine. If nothing else, you’ll start getting your desires out in the open.

Tip #3: Create your Bedroom Menu Plan using the results of your yes/no/maybe talk.

This is the fun part.

Just like the way Jim and I plan our menus for the week, you and your partner can talk about things you’re both interested in exploring in the bedroom.

Think about these things as if they were actual menu items.

For example, talk about starters or appetizers – things that might get you both in the mood – like lighting, kissing, nice music, a scented candle, hugging or sending a sexy text earlier in the day.

Next consider first courses for your “meal”. This could include all types of foreplay like kissing or touching all over, rubbing or massaging.

The main course could include penetration and different positions, toys, places to make love.

After the main course, you’re going to want dessert which in this case might include talking intimately, holding each other, cuddling.

I hope that the conversations that flow from this type of exercise are playful, friendly and intimate. If you have any trouble with any part of this, don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly with a question. I got you.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source November 13, 2025.