You Haven't Lost It. You've Just Stopped Looking. - The Source

Dear Dr. Jane,

My wife and I have been married for close to 10 years, together for 15. In general, we get along really well, but sex is almost non-existent at this point. I can count on one hand the number of times we were intimate in 2025. When we first met, we were both incredibly passionate — always looking for an opportunity. My feelings for her haven’t changed, but I’m starting to wonder if she sees me as just a roommate now. I’m lost without the closeness we used to share. What can I do?

— In Love but Unlucky in Bend

Dear Unlucky,

What you’re experiencing — mismatched desire — is the single most common concern couples bring to intimacy counselors. You are far from alone, and the fact that you’re still asking, still reaching out, means you care deeply.

You mentioned the passion you shared early on. That intensity has a name: New Relationship Energy (NRE). When we first fall for someone, our brains flood with dopamine and serotonin, making us feel alive, open, and deeply tuned in to our partner. NRE is real, powerful — and temporary. But when you understand what it was doing for your relationship, you have a clear path forward. NRE created four powerful experiences between you. You can recreate them intentionally.

1. Curiosity

In the early days, you were endlessly curious about her — her thoughts, her moods, her inner world. Over time, most couples stop asking. They assume they already know. But people change in ways we don’t always notice. What she needed five years ago may be very different from what she needs today.

Ask genuine questions with no agenda — not “why don’t you want sex anymore?” but “How have you really been feeling lately?” or “Is there anything you’ve been carrying that we haven’t talked about?” When she feels truly known rather than assumed, connection follows naturally.

2. Heightened Attention

Curiosity asks questions. Attention acts on the answers.

Once you understand what’s going on in her world, let that understanding show up in small, specific ways — fresh flowers on the counter, a quiet evening watching her favorite show, a long bath drawn with candles and epsom salts, or a weekend away somewhere you can simply be together. The details matter less than the message they send: I see you. You matter to me. Feeling genuinely seen is one of the most powerful intimacy builders there is.

3. Novelty

Desire tends to thrive in the unfamiliar. This doesn’t have to mean anything dramatic — exploring a new hike together, taking an art class where you’re both beginners, or simply approaching physical affection a little differently.

It’s also worth understanding how desire works for your wife. Sex educator Emily Nagoski explains that some people have spontaneous desire — arousal that arrives out of nowhere — while others have responsive desire, which emerges in response to touch, mood, and emotional connection. If your wife has responsive desire, she may need the right conditions before she feels open to intimacy. That’s not rejection — it’s simply how her desire works. Knowing this can change everything about how you approach closeness together.

4. Presence

Finally, consider how you’re showing up day to day. NRE made both of you your most alive, engaged selves. Over time, the weight of stress, worry, and routine can quietly dull that aliveness. If you’ve been carrying anxiety or low mood, your wife feels it — even when nothing is said aloud.

Taking care of your own mental and emotional wellbeing isn’t separate from your marriage — it is central to it. When you feel good in yourself — present, grounded, engaged — you become someone she naturally wants to draw closer to.

The thread running through all four is simple: be as genuinely interested in her now as you were when you first met. Not as a strategy — as a daily, conscious practice of love.

The passion you once shared wasn’t a fluke. It grew between two people who were fully paying attention to each other — and with care and intention, you can absolutely find your way back to that.

— Dr. Jane

Understanding Intimacy is a reader-supported advice column. Write to us at [jane@drjaneguyn.com].

This article appears in the Source March 12, 2026.