Feeling Comfortable After a Gap in Dating

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’m a regular reader and really appreciate your advice. I’ve noticed that many people who write in are married or in long-term relationships struggling to communicate about intimacy — and your guidance on talking openly and compassionately really resonates with me. But my situation is a little different.

I’m a 42-year-old woman who married and divorced before I was 25. We had one son, who’s now grown and out on his own. For most of the years I was raising him, I kept to myself and didn’t date much — whether that was circumstance or something else, I’m honestly not sure. But right now, I feel ready to open myself up to the possibility of romantic love again.

The problem is, whenever I start to put myself out there — on the apps, on Meetup — I get really nervous. And it’s not about meeting people or making conversation. I actually do that easily, and I have a full, active life. My anxiety is specifically about sex. So my question is: why do I struggle to feel confident in bed?

From, Lacking Confidence in Bend

Dear Lacking Confidence,

Thank you so much for sharing your story — you might be surprised how many people would recognize themselves in it.

There are a couple of things I think are worth unpacking here.

A lot of people who come to me with this concern have absorbed ideas about sex from movies and TV — mainstream or otherwise — and have quietly decided there’s a specific way to act that makes someone seem “sexy” or that will “drive men wild.” It feels like there must be a formula.

There isn’t. What actually works in the bedroom is the same thing that works everywhere else in your life: being playful, warm, a little flirty, affectionate, and genuinely present. Those qualities, brought into an intimate setting, are sexual confidence. It really comes down to being yourself — openly, easily, without apology.

MYTH #1: Most people feel sexually confident.

TRUTH: Most people are nervous about sex.

It may not seem that way, but it’s true. People carry all kinds of things into the bedroom — body image worries, limited experience, past trauma, shame they were raised with. Many quietly believe these things disqualify them from being good lovers. What they don’t realize is that sex isn’t really about performance. It’s about showing up in an intimate moment and connecting openly with another person. That’s it.

MYTH #2: You need sexual confidence to be a good lover.

TRUTH: Sexual confidence is overrated — and it’s not really about you anyway.

Here’s something that might reframe this for you: the most important thing your confidence does is create safety for your partner. That’s right. When you’re with someone who seems at ease, you relax. You feel comfortable saying what you want. You get out of your head and into the moment. Your confidence is a gift you give to the other person — which means it’s less about performing and more about showing up with care and openness.

MYTH #3: Lots of sexual experience is required to be sexually confident.

TRUTH: Openness, presence, and genuine responsiveness are what make a good lover.

When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with a partner — sharing what you want, staying curious about what they want, and really connecting — that’s what people remember. Experience helps, but it’s not the foundation. Presence is.

And here’s the thing: you’ve already been doing this. You raised a child, built a life, and kept your heart open enough to be sitting here, ready to try again. That’s not nothing — that’s actually everything. The warmth and self-awareness you bring to this question are exactly the qualities that will carry you into the bedroom with more grace than you know.

You’ve got this.

Xoxo,

Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source May 14, 2026.