Saying Goodbye

For families everywhere, September means one thing: school. The long, lazy days of summer are over and it’s time to either start or return to the classroom. Yet, leaving the comfort and safety of home can be tough for some kids, especially little ones who are new to the experience.

Separation anxiety in preschoolers is a common emotional response where young children experience distress when separated from their parent or primary caregiver. Symptoms of anxiety commonly include crying, clinginess, physical complaints such as stomachaches or headaches before separating and some degree of school refusal or reluctance to leave home.

According to the Children’s Hospital of Orange County, this is a normal developmental phase of childhood that happens as children begin to understand their environment and form healthy attachments to familiar caregivers. Toddlers learn over time that even though their parents leave, they will eventually return and they learn to trust their loved ones. Separation anxiety commonly resolves by age three but may last longer for some children.

While some degree of separation anxiety is to be expected, a more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder is possible. According to the CHOC, if symptoms are severe or persistent and last for over a month, there could be an underlying mental health concern that may require further support from a provider.

To help support young children through their anxiety, there are many tools and strategies parents can use to help ease the school transition and make young children feel safe and secure.

First, it’s important to listen to young children when they are sharing their concerns and allow them to freely express their feelings. Little ones may not have the vocabulary yet to name exactly what they are feeling, so it can be helpful for parents to listen to what they are experiencing and then model language such as, “it sounds like you’re feeling anxious, worried, scared, etc.”

Secondly, it’s key to mentally and emotionally prepare children in advance by talking to them about going to school and what that feels like. If possible, take a tour of the classroom and set up a time to meet your child’s teacher before the first day of school so they can gain some familiarity with their new caregiver and environment. Point out exciting things they may enjoy such as the swing set and help them locate their cubby, coat hook or other personal area. If an advance tour is not possible, try looking at pictures of their new school online or having friends over whose children have gone to that same school and can tell positive stories about what it’s like there. The key is to build a mental picture for your child of what to expect so they have some foundation upon which to build their new life.

Along those veins, it’s important to set consistent routines and expectations ahead of time and discuss them with your children with confidence. For example, you can tell your child, “In the mornings we will all eat breakfast together. Then we will get dressed and brush our teeth. Next, we will buckle up in the car and drive to school. You will go to school, I will go to work, and we will see each other in the evening when we get back.” Children may express displeasure at this plan but keep validating their feelings while gently holding firm that this is what will happen.

Next, try practicing being apart. Start with small periods of separated time and work your way towards bigger ones. For example, try leaving your child with a grandparent, friend or other trusted caregiver for a half hour at home, followed by an hour or two at their house, followed by a full school days’ worth of time. After reunifying, remind your child that everything went OK and acknowledge how well they did.

Then, comes the hardest part–saying goodbye at the school gates or classroom door! This is where creating goodbye routines can be a lifesaver. Doing the same thing every day will build a sense of comfort and ease that will help ground your child’s experience of saying goodbye and give them something positive to look forward to during the scary moment of separation.

Every family will have a different routine, but usually somatic support in the form of a hug goodbye, a kiss on the forehead or other comforting physical touch can be helpful. A famous children’s book known as “The Kissing Hand” offers the idea of kissing your child’s palm and then having them touch their palm to their face as they hear “Mommy/Daddy/Caregiver loves you.” This is a great book to read in the weeks leading up to school if you are looking for a simple goodbye ritual.

Critically, it’s important to make goodbyes quick and to remain calm, even if your child is having a hard time. For most parents it is extremely tempting to want to linger, comforting their child while they cry, but counter-intuitively, this can prolong the child’s anxiety and make things harder for them. Hesitation to leave may send a message that you yourself are uncertain of how safe it is in this new place, whereas calmly passing your child into their teacher’s arms sends the signal that you trust this new person and are confident in their caretaking. Teachers often report that most young children calm down quickly after a parent leaves.

If your child is still experiencing anxiety a few weeks into school, consider helping them identify and practice coping skills such as mindfulness, deep breathing and muscle relaxation that they can use when they’re experiencing anxiety. Use child-friendly language to relate these concepts, such as asking your child to practice ‟rainbow breathing” by swinging their arms up overhead in an arc, like a rainbow, while taking a nice deep breath.

Finally, be sure to pick them up from school on time every day, especially during the first month, so that they can build a sense of trust that you will always return as promised. With all of these support strategies in place, your preschooler can start school on the right footing and overcome their fears in time.

Resources

Further recommended books and resources from the Children’s Hospital of Orange County:

‟Wherever You’ll Be” by Ariella Prince Guttman

‟Hand to Hold” by JJ Heller

‟Llama Llama Misses Mama” by Anna Dewdney

‟First Day Critter Jitters” by Jory John

‟The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child” by Daniel J. Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson

‟Parenting Your Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance: A Powerful New Approach to Overcoming Fear, Panic, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” by Christopher McCurry, Steven C. Hayes

‟The Joy of Parenting: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Guide to Effective Parenting in the Early Years” by Lisa W. Coyne, Amy R. Murrell

This article appears in BendNest Fall 2025.