Film

My first and most pressing question going into Fast Five was how bad would it be? Well seriously, it's God-awful, but it does exactly what it set out to do, succeed in action movie formula. It stays out of the annoying range for the most part and just gives us requisite testosterone-fueled smash-ups, shoot-outs, car chases, over-the-top action and, of course, muscular cars and muscular dudes. Don't get me wrong, this is still a terrible movie, but you can nevertheless happily sit back, toss logic out the window and cram popcorn down your gullet for two hours.
This is director Justin Lin's third Furious installment and he lays it on thick with little flair for anything but loud shit, complementing the onscreen flare-ups with super dramatic musical explosions. Lin is adept at keeping the action formula intact: three big chase scenes, one huge fight sequence and a little love interest to keep everyone who came to get their money's worth happy. The production is set in Rio de Janeiro, so of course we see that same ol' Jesus statue more times than necessary.

“A girlfriend of mine didn’t go to hers [prom]. Once in a while she gets a terrible feeling, like something is missing. She checks her purse and her keys, she counts her kids, she goes crazy. And then she realizes that nothing is missing. She decided it was side effects from skipping the prom.” – Iona in Pretty in Pink

For decades, Hollywood has been building up this idea of prom being the pinnacle of adolescence. The above quote comes from one of my favorite movies, Pretty in Pink, which back in the '80s solidified prom as a significant right of passage. Since that time, there's been no shortage of movies about the supposedly spectacular event. In Disney's Prom, the traditional (and perhaps accurate) images of sex, drugs and underage drinking take a back seat to teenage innocence.

The Conspirator is a production by American Film History, a company committed to accurately portraying history in movies. Sure enough, Robert Redford's most recent flick since Lions for Lambs seems to have all the facts straight, but delivers such a deadpan and boring tale that by the end it seems like it probably belongs on the History Channel.
From the get-go we see that Redford is detail-oriented and infatuated with recreating the time period, but to a fault, and in many cases the performances are off the mark. With such an interesting piece of overlooked history – the trial of the eight people charged with conspiring to assist in the assassination of President Lincoln – this should have been a compelling flick loaded with angst and pathos, but as it stands, it lacks tension. We feel the urgency, even in thinking about the atrocities and depth of despair brought on by the Civil War, but Conspirator seems superficial and glossed over. The facts that unfold are monumental and comparable today to the injustices at Guantanamo Bay, yet it feels like one long, slow march toward the inevitable.

When you enter the theater to watch Water for Elephants, there's an elephant in the room, and I'm not just talking about the 9,000-pound animal that plays a significant role in this film. In this case, the elephant in the room is expectation. For some, expectation comes from the novel of the same name by Sara Gruen, on which the film is based. For others, the expectation of chemistry from two of the most attractive actors in Hollywood takes over your thoughts.
After Jacob Jankowski's (Robert Pattinson) parents die in an unexpected car crash the day he plans to take his final exams as a veterinary student at Cornell, he decides to skip town. Jacob hops a train belonging to the Benzini Brothers Circus and after proving his skill with the animals, joins them as a veterinarian. Jacob must work closely with the circus' star attraction, Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), while trying not to get on the bad side of August (Christoph Waltz), the ringmaster and Marlena's husband.

Coincidentally, days after Scream 4 opened in theaters, ABC's Cougar Town returned from its winter hiatus. I have been eagerly anticipating the return of both series, of which Courtney Cox is the star. Oh come on, don't hate – Cougar Town is hilarious. But wouldn't it have been much, much cooler if Cox could have combined these two projects? Maybe she could call it Screaming Cougar or something like that. Here's how it could play out:
If we're following the Scream formula, an unimportant character must die gruesomely in the episode's opening. That would be Barb, the only true cougar in the now reformatted buddy sitcom. When the phone rings (she's an older lady and definitely still has a landline), the voice of Ghostface asks, “What's your favorite scary movie?” But before Barb can answer, Ghostface jumps out from behind her lifetime supply of Botox injections and slashes her throat.

Paul Giamatti will never be a sex symbol or even a super star… but he should be both. Giamatti can run the gamut of emotions and is equally stellar in serious roles and comedic performances. He steals every scene he's in, taking on weirder, less mainstream roles with charisma to spare. But face it, Giamatti, with his bug eyes and ever-widening girth is a born character actor. And even though he might get the girl and even get to have sex, he is just not sexy.
In Win Win, balding and dumpy Giamatti portrays a suburban good guy, honest lawyer and high school wrestling coach who finds the perfect escape from his financial troubles by acting as the legal caretaker of an elderly client. His plan hits a wall and the situation spins out of control when his client’s troubled grandson arrives on the scene.

The quest story hasn't changed much since the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. The major variation being that most modern-day quests typically involve traveling great distances to find cheeseburger sliders or return an alien to its spacecraft. Every once in a while, though, a film comes along that satirically dips back into medieval times. First came Monty Python and the Holy Grail, then The Princess Bride, followed by Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Now, as Your Highness hits the big screen, can it measure up to satirical quests of “olde” times?

Director Joe Wright (Atonement, Pride & Prejudice, The Soloist) knows how to make a film look good, even with actors emoting all over the screen. Yet even with all of Hanna's fireworks, Wright plays it too safe by the end. Sure, he puts all the pieces together in a visually stunning manner with equal parts action and story, but there's still something hollow at the core of Hanna.

Ah… another haunted house movie or as the previews announce, “It's not the house that's haunted — it's your son!” Well, house or son, Insidious still qualifies as a haunted house movie and is thereby destined to suck.
As insipid and simplistic as this film is, it's a wonder it got the go ahead from its producers. I guess with the reteaming of director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell (creators of the very first Saw) and Oren Peli, the producer of Paranormal Activity, there was a glimmer of hope. Instead, Insidious throws away any chance for redemption. The pairing of the best (Saw) and the worst (Paranormal Activity) filmmakers in the horror genre fails to break even.

There must be something in the Easter candy I've been nibbling on intermittently for the past couple weeks. Normally, I have no desire to see movies aimed at the 12-and-under demographic, but for some strange reason I genuinely wanted to see the digital-animation-meets-live-action Easter film Hop. Perhaps it's because Easter has (arguably) the best candy that I'm sweetened up enough to watch an animated bunny bang the drums.