Film Events

First things first! I'm not much of what you kids today call a “videogamer.” For me – AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION, MIND YOU – playing videogames is a fruitless pursuit, which wastes precious time that could be better spent acquiring a myriad of interesting sexually transmitted diseases (and/or sores). But HEY. If you like chasing your little Pac-Mans around a blinky screen, or jumping around like an ignoramus while trying to avoid a barrel-throwing monkey, or fake kung fu fighting some poorly drawn and racially suspect Japanese characters, then by all means, have a fabulous time. I'll be trading STDs with your mom.
That being said, I read some extremely interesting news regarding the videogame technology world that could change the way I watch television (and the way I make snide remarks towards videogamers). Microsoft's Xbox announced the fall launch of “Live TV” – and the things it promises to do are FREAKY. Besides playing dorky games, it will also be able to stream live television from the box to your TV, conduct Bing internet searches for even more content (from Hulu, Netflix, etc.) AND use “motion-sensing Kinect technology” to allow viewers to control their TV viewing experience with their MOUTHS, rather than an old-timey remote control!

Goddamn kids! I'll tell YOU the trouble with kids today. All they care about are their goddamn Pokey-Mans, iPods, Sunny D's, Pop Rocks, Kid Bopz, Razor scooters, internet porn, bear traps, sandwich fixin's, IUDs, Elmo, karate lessons, Santa Claus, Katy Perry, Lady Goo-Goo, Shaun Cassidy, sexting, unicycles, jaguars (the animal, not the car), fist pumps, saxophone solos, binge drinking, caramel corn, raising the national debt ceiling, monster trucks, flash mobs, Pogs, Ninja Turtles, pizza pie, Dig Dug, Indians, mayonnaise, Pilates, graffiti, wedgies, swirlies, weight lifting, tongue piercing, Cracker Jacks.

Look, guys! In case you haven't noticed, I have some opinions about things! For example: scones. Who was the freaking idiot who invented scones? THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

Okay, I think we can all admit that this past season of TV shows ate the b-hole out of a donkey. It LITERALLY was so bad, it LITERALLY asked a donkey if it could feast on its b-hole – because asking a donkey first is the polite thing to do. Don't ask me how I know this. Anyway, the point is that when a TV season stinks, I sorta kinda stink, too. When left with nothing interesting to say, I often feel backed into a corner, and in a blind panic say unseemly things about the b-holes of donkeys.

Nothing ever ends as good as it should. Example: my forthcoming death. Now, a person of my prestige should die in a spectacular way – such as being eaten by wolves, or rescuing a basket of kittens from inside an erupting volcano while using an experimental jet pack. Unfortunately, it ain't gonna end this way. Like you, I'll probably meet my fate at the hands of prostate cancer, heart attack, or worse, old age (staring out the window of my rest home, desperately trying to remember the details of my last sponge bath).

In a week filled with crappy season finales, there is one TV show that I hate – yet “hate” to see go. Yes, this week brings the final episode EVER of Smallville (CW, Fri May 13, 8 pm). As a young TV columnist, I grew up with this hilariously operatic teen drama featuring postpubescent hunky hunkster Clark Kent (played by the muscley if not particularly talented Tom Welling). I've written at least umpteen columns about Smallville, all of which have devolved into lengthy, practically unreadable essays involving Welling repeatedly whipping off his shirt, accompanied by intense descriptions of the height, circumference, and hue of his nipples.

Dear Owner and Operators of my local 7-11:
I'm writing to express my EXTREME disappointment in your current selection of “Thor Slurpee Cups.” As you may know, I'm wildly excited for this weekend's premiere of the feature film Thor – so much so, in fact, I intended on purchasing every Thor Slurpee cup you have in stock. Therefore, you can imagine my horror when I discovered that every one of your Slurpee containers depicted Thor… without his helmet.
WHAT… THE… CRAP? Do you realize what a colossal blunder you've made? Thor without his helmet is like Batman without pointy ears! Wolverine without pop-up knuckle knives! Wonder Woman without her camel toe!