Film Events

I Love Television™ reader Karly from Oregon writes: “Your 'Ten MORE Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus' [March 2] was so hateful. Are you so poor a writer that you must resort to gross-out ass humour? Sad. And us medical marijuana users couldn't care less what you think of pot smoking. Again, an awful lot of hate. Over 25 percent of human genes are the same as those of a banana. Get over yourself!”
Dear Karly, thanks for writing! Allow me to respond: (1) I did not know that about bananas! That's an interesting – if not exactly surprising – thing for a pothead to say. (2) I never “resort” to “gross-out ass humour.” As regular readers know, “gross-out ass” is my preferred method of “humour” – mixing it up occasionally with “depraved prostate humour,” “sickening vagina humour,” and “grody pee-hole humour.” (3) “Humour” is actually spelled “humor” unless you're a pothead from 18th-century England.

First of all, it should be noted that Charlie Sheen – if he's still alive – is making me look bad. Not to brag, but I've been doing this “banging hookers/guzzling liquor/snorting goofballs” shtick for the last 15 years – and yet has a single producer from Good Morning, America asked ME for an interview? Is my taste in porn stars not good enough? Doesn't my ability to inhale a seven-gram rock of blow off the ground from a standing position warrant a similar type of attention? It's HORSE HOCKEY, my friend. HORSE… HOCKEY!!

Reason #11: Miley Cyrus is SO unlikable that her mere existence is forcing me to write yet another column about how much I dislike her. (The first column, entitled “Ten Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus,” was written last year, and it actually contained only eight reasons – because I was so infuriated by dislike for her, I ran out of space. But since that was HER fault, I'm starting this column with Reason #11.)
Reason #12: Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live this week (Sat March 5, NBC, 11:30 pm), with musical guests the Strokes. Everything about that last sentence – especially the mention of Miley Cyrus – is unlikable. For comparison, here's a more likable sentence: Seeping Chest Wound is hosting a Dysentery Vegan Potluck this week, with anal itching guests the Genital Wart Marching Band.

Hey, everybody! I'm the ACADEMY AWARDS! OOH-LA-LA! Look how fancy I am! I'll be on TV this coming Sunday, February 27, on ABC at 5:30 p.m., so everybody should stop whatever it is they're doing and watch me because I'm sooooo super IMPORTANT and sooooo FANCY! Oooooooh! Look at my fancy statue! Oooooooh! Look at all the fancy people! Oooooooh! Look at all the fancy clothes! Currently, I'm wearing a powdered wig, a ruffled collar, and skintight breeches, and I'm waving a pretty lacy hankie in the air because OOOOOOOOOOH! I'M SO FANCY!

Ladies and gentlemen, set your DVR and/or Betamax to “record,” because this coming Tuesday (Feb 22) is a “very special episode” of Glee! (Record scratch.) “Hold on there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “Isn't every episode of Glee a 'very special episode?'” Well… okay! You have a point! Glee is basically the Blossom of this millennium – except with more explicit teen sex, gay bullying, and addictions to unnecessary mash-ups.

Valentine's Day is this week! Which is why I'm taking this opportunity to advise you on what you're doing WRONG in your romantic relationships. Just think of me like Dr. Phil – except I'm not pear-shaped, I don't wear a pedophile mustache, I don't talk like Deputy Dawg, I don't offer people the absolute worst advice in the world, and, generally speaking, I'm not a despicable human being who deserves to be kicked in the junk, trampled by bulls, and shot out of a cannon into the feces-filled heinie-hole of Ann Coulter. [Insider tip: I DON'T LIKE DR. PHIL VERY MUCH.]