Right away I’m forced to choose: Will I be a creative, “good” Mickey? Or will I be a destructive, “dark” Mickey? Will I be Mickey Mouse, innocent hero beloved by billions, or a tough, antihero animated for a new generation? Topolino or Mik3?
Film Events
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Humpy's Millions
See, here's the thing: I want to be a millionaire, but I don't want to do what's necessary to become a millionaire. What follows are eight things one can do to become a millionaire:
(1) Make at least one million dollars – perhaps by working for it. BOOOOOO!!!! Did Donald Trump “work” for his million dollars? I doubt that very much.
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Fascinating!
Do not mark your calendar! On Thursday, December 9, at 10:00 p.m. on ABC, Barbara Walters will be revealing her choice for the “10 Most Fascinating People of 2010.” (Though she's revealed only eight so far.) Naturally, her choices are a sopping condom full of diaper gravy, while mine are infinitely more awesome. Let's compare:
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Hasseling the Hoff
What is UP with those Kardashian people? You know who I'm talking about, right? The stars of that inexplicably popular show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, running almost constantly)?
What is UP with those Kardashian people? You know who I'm talking about, right? The stars of that inexplicably popular show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, running almost constantly)? Now, according to the internet (because I'm too angry and superior to watch the show myself) Keeping Up with the Kardashians supposedly stars Kim Kardashian, who according to Wikipedia, has done absolutely NOTHING for the entirety of her life. Seriously! She has done N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!
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Wanted: One Sidekick
I’m through using Craigslist, you guys! However, I’ll admit that Craigslist works just fine if you’re trying to sell a lawnmower but secretly want to be sodomized and hacked apart by an escaped serial killer.
I'm through using Craigslist, you guys! However, I'll admit that Craigslist works just fine if you're trying to sell a lawnmower but secretly want to be sodomized and hacked apart by an escaped serial killer. I'm sorry to break the news, but people on Craigslist are just too freaky!
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Under Siege: Sniping the undead in the latest Call of Duty
There are lots of ways to approach the latest Call of Duty. I choose the option marked Zombies.Zombies is a stand-alone game mode in Call of Duty: Black Ops that showcases the series’ shooting mechanics to fine effect.
There are lots of ways to approach the latest Call of Duty. I choose the option marked “Zombies.”
“Zombies” is a stand-alone game mode in Call of Duty: Black Ops that showcases the series' shooting mechanics to fine effect. It is part of Call of Duty – built right into the game. I skipped over the single player and the standard multiplayer. I’m sure that the Black Ops storyline and setting are great. But all I played was “Zombies.”
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A Little Father-Son Talk: When it's time for an imagined heart-to-heart, call on us
“Son, why are you always going around dancing and playing patty-cake with everybody? Don’t you have a kingdom to save?”
“I am saving the kingdom, dad. But unlike when you did it back in Fable II, this time it’s a revolution – against my brother, your son, whom you made king, I might add. In order to overthrow him, I’m going to need good relationships with as many people as possible.”
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The Ice Concussions Cometh
Don't get me wrong – I like sports. I just don't like the sports everyone else seems so crazy about. I don't like basketball (AKA the “sport of fools”), but I do like office chair bowling (where you hide in the corner of your office, and when someone walks in, you sling your roll-y chair at them as fast as you can in an attempt to knock them off their feet – extra points if you crack their femur!). I also don't like football (AKA the “sport of meatheads”) but I do like genital Xeroxing. Now some people claim that genital Xeroxing is not a sport – but those people have never coerced their officemates into seeing how many genitals can be Xeroxed in 30 seconds (our office record is 27 – TOP THAT, MICROSOFT!).
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Welcome, New Tea Party Readers!
Hey Tea Partiers, come read my column. It’s about television.
As you may have noticed, we had an election last week! And while this particular election may not have turned out exactly as I would've liked, I've decided NOT to hurl myself face first into a rusty electric wood chipper. As my slightly insane and perpetually inebriated Aunt Wanda used to say, “When the world hands you lemons, make half a glass of lemonade – then fill the rest up with vodka. Drink it, take off your bra, swing it around your head, and scream at the world, 'Fawk YOU, world, and fawk your fawking lemons! Check out these tits!'”
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Escape From New York: What do with a couple of post-apocalyptic sweethearts…
Like all buddy-cop/true-love stories, Enslaved begins with the two main characters meeting under less-than-romantic circumstances. In this case, Monkey, a glowering tree-trunk of a man, and Trip, a ragdoll-haired brainy girl, are both slaves aboard an airship that crashes someplace in Brooklyn. Then, while Monkey is unconscious, Trip snaps a headband on him and programs it to electrify his brain if she dies. This, naturally, convinces him to protect her.
