Film Events

Ummm… WELL? Are you just going to sit there ogling my structurally perfect ass or are you going to wish me a happy anniversary? THAT'S CORRECT! This week, I celebrate ten glorious years of disparaging the idiot sport of football, and in particular the SUPER BOWL (which will attempt to bore the shit out of me once again on Fox, Sun Feb 6, 3:30 pm).
Yes, it seems like only yesterday when I started writing repetitive fanatical columns about this utterly useless national event, ranting on and on like a mouth-foaming, meth-addicted Andy Rooney trying to fathom the difference between e-mail and Twitter. For example, this is what I said in 2005:

Okay, fine, whatever, I'll admit that running a network may not be the easiest thing to do – BUT MY LIFE STINKS, TOO, YA KNOW!! It's not exactly easy spending entire days sprawled on a filthy couch, clothed in oddly stained underpants, surrounded by empty liquor bottles and half-eaten Totino's Pizza Rolls while half-consciously flipping through hundreds of TV shows per hour. See? I'm doing MY part! It's those networks! They're the lazy bastards!

World travel: I'd prefer to do something else, thankyouverymuch! There are those who say, “Travel broadens the mind as well as the soul,” and to those people I say, “APPLE CRAP!!” While I'll admit there are certain upsides to world travel (easier access to illegal pharmaceuticals, totally insane strip bars, more enthusiastic prostitutes), there are far more downsides (diarrhea, indecipherable languages, diarrhea, constantly running into Germans, diarrhea, non-subtitled movies, diarrhea, Communism, diarrhea, sores that won't go away, diarrhea, an absence of Totino's frozen pizzas, diarrhea, being gored by a bull, diarrhea, didgeridoos, diarrhea, didgeridoos).

Let me begin this column with a little-bitty reminder: American Idol DID NOT discover Justin Bieber. However, it did discover Lee DeWyze. “Who's Lee DeWyze?” you ask. EXACTLY. (For those playing at home, Lee DeWyze was the season nine winner of American Idol. If you're also asking “Who's Justin Bieber?” then you need to go back to digging the Werther's out of your dentures, grampy, because Justin Bieber is only the TRUE idol of America, the world, and the GODDAMN UNIVERSE! And anyone who says differently is gonna be digging my size 10 Fluevog out of their testicles!)

Dear superheroes of the world: Let's talk “fashion,” shall we? Perhaps it hasn't been brought to your attention, but you look like a goddamn idiot. As I see it, you have only one job: BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF CRIMINALS. However, the uniform you've chosen to accomplish this task seems somewhat counterintuitive. For example, would a ballerina dress like a Chuck E. Cheese mascot? No. Would a construction worker wear ass-less chaps? Again, no – unless you're talking about my most recent New Year's party. So bearing this in mind, why do superheroes insist on dressing like a Jazzercize video from 1982?

Dear Readers: It has been brought to my attention that I occasionally say some really dumb things. And yet? Instead of allowing myself to be depressed by this oft-repeated opinion, I've decided to celebrate my dumbness (in the same way the Tea Party does) by spotlighting the absolute dumbest, most ridiculously stupid – and sometimes willfully dangerous – things I said in this column from the year 2010. (Please note that the following dumb quotations are provided entirely without context, in order to further spotlight what an idiot I am. Here's to a much brainier 2011!) – yer always pal, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me.

ATTENTION: There are some serious problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And for those of you who are still reading, I'm going to elucidate on those problems (and how they can be corrected) in three… two… one… GO!
1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I'm talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph (available on DVD and permanently seared into your brain). All the characters in these Rankin/Bass productions are tiny walking nightmares, whose mouths refuse to move at the proper speed, and jerk around like they have epilepsy. Christmas is a time to be thinking about GETTING PRESENTS, YO! Not flopping around on the ground while a total stranger tries to shove his wallet in your mouth.