Film Events Archives - Page 30 of 39 - The Source

Disasters, Death, and You

Source WeeklyApril 28, 2010March 7, 2024

How many times has this happened to you: You're strolling along in the park, gazing lovingly at the beauty and wonderment of nature, when… WHAMMO! A meteor that's roughly the size of Texas and made out of rusty razor blades and used condoms smashes into the center of town! Everything's ablaze! Buildings are toppling! The highways are destroyed! People are screaming and running in a blind panic! Twitter is down! A drippy used condom is on the shoulder of your new sweater! And everything is really, really, really
uncomfortable! WHAT… DO… YOU… DO??

Culture

Stephen Hawking Gets More Tail Than Me

I get a lot of tail—we hold this truth to be self-evident. HOWEVER! It’s causing me no small amount of distress that world-famous theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking probably gets more tail than I do.

Source WeeklyApril 21, 2010March 18, 2023

I get a lot of tail – we hold this truth to be self-evident. HOWEVER! It's causing me no small amount of distress that world-famous theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking probably gets more tail than I do. Now, I realize that “getting tail” is not a competition – except that it is a competition, and Stephen Hawking is winning.
First some background on Stephen Hawking and why he gets such a copious amount of tail. As touched on earlier, Stephen Hawking is famous for advancing humanity's understanding of theoretical cosmology and quantum gravity. In other words, Stephen Hawking studies shit that happens in outer space, which includes, but is not limited to, “black holes,” the nature of space and time, as well as the formation of the universe itself. This is wildly interesting to hippie chicks, who undoubtedly furnish him with tail.

Culture

Hello Moto: New MotoGP fires on all cylinders

Eric FlowersApril 21, 2010January 4, 2023

The first time I saw MotoGP racing was in San Francisco. I had been invited to the launch of the PlayStation 2, and one of the games available for the system was called MotoGP. “A motorcycle racing game,” I thought as I sat down to test it. I revved my engine and accelerated toward the first curve.
As I turned, the bike tilted at an impossible angle. The rider's knee bowed down until it was inches above the racetrack that sped along like a vicious belt of sandpaper. I straightened my trajectory and the rider leaned to the other side as the bike veered across the track. I jammed my thumbstick the other way and the bike spun out of control, sliding sideways and spinning off the track.
For the first time on a console, racing was being simulated instead of sensationalized. Until MotoGP, most racing games made do with a cursory amount of physics. They were primarily distinguished by shortcuts, speed-boosts, banana peels and assault weapons. It took the processing power of the PS2 to make an intense, uncompromising game like MotoGP possible.

Culture

Swinging for the Fences: Latest MLB dreams big but doesn't deliver

Source WeeklyApril 14, 2010June 3, 2024

My first mistake was deciding to play as a catcher. The “My Player” feature, which joins Major League Baseball 2K10 in addition to its basic “play ball” mode, allows me to develop my own character from a generic nobody into a superstar. I assumed that catcher would be a good position to witness various hitters' styles and learn the idiosyncrasies that can tip off whether a pitcher is winding up for a fastball or a curve.
But the life of a “My Player” catcher isn't that insightful. The game only allowed me to play my turns at bat and my chances to run up and grab bunts. Not only did I not get to watch the entire game unfold, but I had very few opportunities to be an active part of the outfield. Trying to move from the bush leagues up to the big leagues was obviously going to be a long, slow stretch if I stayed behind home plate.

Culture

Torn Between Three Lovers

Source WeeklyApril 14, 2010March 6, 2023

Oh, is that how it's gonna be, television? You're gonna make me choose? After years of dedicated viewership, you're going to treat me like I'm Tiger Woods and force me to settle on a single mistress/skank? Well, EFF YOU, my friend. I didn't make the ludicrous decision to program THREE AMAZING SHOWS to air at the same time this week. That would be like eating three of my favorite meals in the world – a Canadian bacon Totino's pizza, a hamdogger (three hot dogs crammed inside a hamburger), and a quart of vodka – in one sitting. It's ridiculous. And now I'm starving. And thirsty.

Culture

Island of Discontent: Tropico 3 keeps it cool in the equatorial sun

Source WeeklyApril 7, 2010January 4, 2023

My people are the best people in the world. They are the best people in the world because they love me, their el presidente. And it is only natural that they should love me. After all, it is I who first looked at this little undeveloped island and saw potential. Where bare plains sat, I saw lush farmland. Where empty beaches baked in the sun, I saw the spread of visiting sunbathers' blankets.
I organized builders to construct tenements. I urged farmers to plant crops. Corn and papaya began to fill bellies. Immigrants arrived and I set them planting tobacco and pineapple. I invested heavily in factories where my people could roll and can it all, and our shipping dock grew full of profitable cheaply processed goods.

Culture

Get Ready to Squeal

Source WeeklyApril 7, 2010January 4, 2023

Okay, I hope you have some throat lozenges on hand, because I'm about to give you two very good reasons to squeal. Are you ready?
SQUEAL #1: Guys! Glee is returning this week! SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!! That's correct, Glee – the show that's gayer than Gaylord McGayerson's rendition of “YMCA” at the annual Gay Town Gay Day Talent Show – is back in all its gloriously gay glory (Fox, Tues April 13, 9:28 pm). In fact, I'd wager this show has done more for gay acceptance in America than Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Ellen combined! Why?

Culture

On Beating Dead Horses

Source WeeklyMarch 31, 2010January 4, 2023

Okay, has anyone ever actually “beat a dead horse”? You hear that phrase a lot (especially in this column), but have you ever seen or heard of anyone
actually going through with it? I'm really wracking my brain here, trying to think of any conceivable occasion where one might be inclined to physically assault a dead horse. Okay… how about this: Let's say the horse was the mastermind behind a huge Ponzi scheme that robbed me and my family of millions. But before I could have the horse arrested, he overdoses on a big pile of snort he was enjoying with some high-priced call girls and drops dead on the spot. I rush into the room to find him dead, and seeing that my opportunity for revenge has been dashed, perhaps I would be tempted to beat the horse – you know, out of sheer frustration.

Culture

Playing God: Latest God of War serves up the gore gleefully

Source WeeklyMarch 25, 2010January 4, 2023

It's almost impossible for any God of War-type game to distinguish itself – even God of War III. The first game's formula, featuring hordes of enemies and weapons swinging in all directions, has been copied so much (and sometimes so well) that it has pushed the designers of God of War III to try a change of scale rather than style. Now, Kratos – the angry mortal hero on a mission to destroy the gods – is lost in ever-larger environments, to the point that he often becomes a dot in the landscape.
In the background, the peaks of Mount Olympus and the cliffs of the Underworld glow like dioramas lit with colored Christmas lights. In these settings, Kratos resembles a plastic figurine, clinging to walls like he had been glued on and sometimes even hovering slightly above the ground as though he were being held by an invisible hand.

Culture

Dead People's Court

Source WeeklyMarch 24, 2010November 17, 2023

Guys, I should TOTALLY be a judge on one of those daytime courtroom shows! You know, like Judge Judy, or Judge Joe Brown, or Judge Judgey McJudgerson? I'd be all sassy (and possibly black) and smackin' down the witnesses with snappy quips such as, “Hey! Don't pee in my mouth and tell me it's raining pee!” Or “Don't slice off my head with an ax and tell me it's a pencil sharpener!” Or “Shut your G-D baloney-hole or I'll kick the tongue out of your yap.” (Okay… that one needs work.)
But instead of settling arguments in the old-timey, boring, legal way, my courtroom would have a super-cool twist – such as Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Kangaroo Court! Basically it would be like other courtroom shows, except at the end, the loser would be kicked in the face by a kangaroo. Another amazingly awesome idea would be Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Famous Court Cases Reenacted by Chimps. Is that title too vague? Basically I reenact famous court cases – with chimps. Like the Scopes Monkey Trial? Admit it… I'M BRILLIANT.

Sign up for newsletters