Editorial

Those Drugs Ain't Mine, I'm Famous
Oh, Paris Hilton. What's funny is that we really hadn't heard much about the heiress until recently, but she must have thought it necessary to get back into relevancy with her latest round of arrests and controversy. Just days after a man holding “two big knives” tried to break into her Los Angeles home, Hilton was arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession in Las Vegas.

Nude 32, Nude 32… Hut, Hut, Hike
There's bad news for Oregon sports this week, and some of it comes from the “What are Those Dang College Football Players Going to do Next?” file. While the Ducks have been steadily embarrassing the state for the better part of the year, the Beavers just got into the action thanks to offensive lineman Tyler Thomas, who Corvallis police say they found drunker than Mel Gibson in a stranger's home… naked. But it gets better! When the cops told Thomas to get on the ground, they say he – still naked – got down into a three-point stance and lunged at them. So, of course, they had to fire a stun gun at the redshirt freshman, who, of course, has a mullet and, of course, has since been kicked off the team. So, even when in a stranger's home, horrifically intoxicated and not wearing a stitch of clothing, a football player will, at the very least, remember how to get down in his stance. Something tells us this is going to be an exciting season. (MB)

The author is enjoying the majesty of Tumalo Creek and its fabulous waterfalls, reading about the $71 million water/hydro/death-laser project being “proposed” by the city.
Our Christian NationRemember when you went to Pearl Harbor and saw the shrine honoring the Kamikaze pilots of Japan who destroyed our entire fleet in World War II? Me neither.

The author is listening to Al Green far too much, mourning a lost love, watching a guy with a zoom lens sitting outside of 900 Wall take pictures of young girls at Hot Box Betty, wondering if he's an uncle or a character from “Dexter.”
So You Say It's Your Birthday
Happy 49th to the 44th president, as Obama celebrated the weekend with BBQ and b-ball, joined by Magic Johnson and Lebron James, sans his wife Michelle and daughters Sasha and Malia (who were busy writing foreign policy in Spain). Of course, this birthday was all a ruse because Obama was never actually born, according to “birthers” who continue to confuse only themselves. In related news, Lt. Col. Terrence Lakin, a decorated Army doctor and 18-year veteran, faced a military judge on charges of disobeying a lawful order, missing movement, and dereliction of duty for refusing to deploy to Afghanistan. Lakin believes that contrary to Bush-Cheney's ignorance of Afghanistan while invading Iraq, our current Commander in Chief's orders are illegitimate (according to Lakin and other “birthers”) because he wasn't really born in Hawaii, despite at least two newspapers announcing his birth 49 years ago and Republican governor Linda Lingle certifying Obama's birth certificate (yep, one exists). But that isn't good enough for those who would rather have a fossil formerly known as John McCain and the GOP's language challenged pitbull, Sarah Palin, in the White House.

The author is smelling smoke yet too dazed to know if it's from a fire in Sisters or his new piece of art/glass/pipe, watching the greatest political video ever made @ http//www..youtube.com/watch?v=1hvaeHllwtw (thanks Carrot). Give a view and see why our country is both beautiful and in deep doo-doo. Enjoy!