How To Get on Track in the Bedroom in the New Year

Dear Dr. Jane,

My partner and I have a great relationship in almost every aspect. Me (m 32) her (f 30) no kids, 2 rescue pups. Together 5 years. Not married but we live together with a chill guy roommate. Unfortunately, intimacy (the physical kind) has been a challenge for years. We try to talk about it, but each time one of us brings it up (usually me) it ends up in a fight and several days without talking. It’s not like the sex is terrible – it’s just not great. We both want to improve but we don’t know how to break through the pattern. She has hangups from her upbringing and some bad stuff that happened with other guys. She doesn’t like the fact that I watch p*rn. Any help would be appreciated.

From Off track in the New Year in Bend 2026

Dear Off Track,

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that they had a challenge communicating about sex, I’d be a very rich woman by now. You’re definitely not alone about that. Of course, having a problem that lots of people also have doesn’t make it any easier. The good news is that once you figure this out, things can get better.

Here’s what I recommend:

Tip #1: Let go of p*rn thinking. P*rn isn’t your friend when it comes to intimacy. I get it that it’s very common and easy to access. That said, I’m not a fan of what p*rn does to men’s sexuality. There are lots of reasons for this. One reason is that p*rn teaches bad sexual techniques that are designed for the camera – not for the woman’s pleasure. You may actually need to re-learn things that you learned from watching p*rn! (Email me if you want to know more about this.) Another reason is that p*rn can cause you to objectify your partner, wanting her to act like a p*rn star which feels fake and disrespectful to women. The most important thing is that, p*rn won’t show you how to communicate with your partner in a vulnerable way. This means you might lack confidence about real intimacy and connection. If p*rn has had a negative impact on your life, work on telling your partner that you want to be truly present during intimacy as you make changes.

Tip #2 Don’t blame your partner’s past for what’s happening now. Lots of guys are protective of their partners. They’re upset about the way people treated them in the past. This makes complete sense. You love her. The fact that someone mistreated her makes you angry and upset. But, I can’t tell you how often a male partner has whispered to me that his partner has sexual trauma and blames her past on the fact that he’s not satisfied with their communication and/or connection. It may very well be true that her past is making her feel uncomfortable about what’s happening, but putting the blame on her is completely unhelpful and in a way, is another form of sexual mistreatment. Even though she’s been in a difficult situation, that doesn’t mean that she can’t connect. Be a loving and intuitive partner who welcomes her.

Tip #3: Don’t blame your partner’s upbringing for your current relationship problems. It’s easy to look at your partner’s family (probably her mom, lol) and blame her for how “messed up” your partner is about sex. While it might be true that your partner was raised in an environment that didn’t encourage open communication (who did?) it’s not helpful to assign blame. The past is the past. This is your relationship now – your journey, your connection. Leave her mom out of it. Of course, you’re not the only one responsible for making things better in the bedroom, but focusing on improving yourself is a good way to start. Your partner will likely appreciate your effort and will try to be more open and accepting.

You’ll be amazed at how playful and easy the conversations can be when you make these changes. Reach out if you need help.

You got this.

Xoxo,

Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source January 8, 2026.