Why Your Partner Deserves Better Than Your Barista Gets

Dear Dr. Jane,

My wife and I are trying to improve our relationship and we’re seeing a couples counselor to help with communication. The sessions are challenging—we fight a lot. Of course, our fighting isn’t just about everyday stuff. We fight about intimacy too, which means we almost never connect. There’s so much conflict. I don’t know how to make things better. Can you help us?

—Fighting Mad in Bend

Dear Fighting Mad,

Someone called me the “Miss Manners of Sex” this morning. I think it’s because of all the sex tips I discuss and write about, being pleasant, patient, and generous tops the list.

Most people I work with are dealing with intimacy issues, but that doesn’t mean regular fights about the trash and the dog don’t impact intimacy. I wish I could tell you most couples don’t fight—that they get along nicely—but the truth is, they do. This happens for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes both partners are working from home and can’t figure out how to let go of work stress when work is home and home is work. We all want some kind of work-life balance, but if you’ve been watching Severance, you know this can be taken to the extreme. The way life works these days is challenging. Everyone’s glued to their phones, bills are high, and stress is through the roof for most of us.

In many ways, couples had an easier time when they had privacy and time to themselves at work instead of stumbling over each other all day. But even if you don’t both work from home, plenty of things get in the way of real connection. It can push you to the boiling point, and that means if you’re like other couples, the way you treat each other ranges from a little bit rude to extremely disrespectful and hostile.

One thing I talk about over and over is what I call Intimacy Etiquette—what you can do as a couple, or even individually, to help each other feel comfortable and open in your relationship. Yes, it starts with keeping a lid on out-of-control fighting, but it doesn’t stop there.

Your partner deserves the very best you have to offer. Being kind and patient in marriage may sound old-fashioned or silly, but our grandparents knew something I think we’ve forgotten: the person you love most shouldn’t be last on the list when you’re giving your love to the world. When you treat the barista at Starbucks more politely than you treat your wife, there’s a problem.

It makes perfect sense that when your partner treats you well, it’s easier to feel open to physical intimacy. When they’re angry and hostile, it’s a challenge. So what can you do to make communication and connection easier?

Here are three things you can do today to get your relationship back on track—both in the kitchen and the bedroom—between counseling sessions:

Thing #1: Be polite and kind to your partner. When you spend all day arguing about something big or small, intimacy becomes nearly impossible. Treat your partner with the same courtesy you’d give a stranger. Be aware of what you’re communicating with your eye contact and body language. We communicate more than we imagine nonverbally.

Thing #2: No pressure, no rush, no expectations. Give yourselves permission to reconnect playfully without an intimacy agenda. For example, maybe offer to play a game that you know your partner has been interested in, or set up time for a walk on the river some afternoon. Even a shared jigsaw puzzle or movie night can feel good.

Thing #3: Create conditions so your partner will want to spend time with you. Set things up so your partner is genuinely interested in spending time together. Really listen to your partner without giving advice. In my opinion, being polite and kind to your partner is the first step to stopping out-of-control fighting. The next step? Take a deep breath, tell your partner you love her and you’ll have a wonderful and loving Valentine’s Day this year.

You got this!

Xoxo Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source February 12, 2026.