New Products in Weed | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

New Products in Weed

A satirical look at the places, products and people

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The cannabis industry continues to innovate with new products, often in numbers so great that the consumer can be left overwhelmed by choices. But the good news is that it's my job to sort out the duff from the fire. So join me in looking at some new options.

The OG Dispensary - Tired of dispensaries that look like an Apple store? Exhausted from the array of choices and cannabinoids? If you wish buying weed was like it was "back in the day," the folks at The OG Dispensary have you covered.

Designed to look like a messy studio apartment with a battered Scarface poster, piles of dirty laundry, drawn shades and a litter box that should have been changed four days prior, you enter after dialing a beeper number and are buzzed in after waiting 20 minutes for a call back.

Your budtender will get to you after he's done fighting with his girlfriend on the phone, and playing some GTA. You won't be overwhelmed by fancy terminology and strains, as the choices are limited to "that stuff we had last week," "some purple shit" and "this lime green bomb with tons of red hairs, which is what gets you high." The weed, some of which is damp and smells like ammonia, is sold in plastic sandwich baggies. Exact change isn't always available, but "next time you'll have a credit."

Edibles are limited to a tray of overdone store brand box mix brownies with an ounce of shake and stems baked in. Ask about the potency, and you are treated to a long, meandering story about the budtender's brother eating one and "being so high for, like, two days. Two DAYS, bro."

You won't be flummoxed by too many concentrate choices either, since there's just one. It's a black ball of tar compiled from bong, pipe and bowl scrapings, with some occasional flecks of green. The smoking gear section is limited to a tray of blackened butter knives and 2-liter soda bottles with the bottom cut off, and some Pepsi cans with a thumb- sized pin hole filled indentation.

Hours are "whenever."

Ayahuasca Vape Pen - When you've tired of distillate, CO2, cured resin, live resin, full spectrum, terpene infused and rosin cartridges, why not take it to the next level with an Ayahuasca vape cart?

Brought to market by Chad The Shaman, each cartridge provides users with the experience of a traditional sacred Ayahuasca trip, but without any guidance, structure or safety protocols.

First time users may be surprised by the sudden hour-long, non-stop vomiting and diarrhea after the first hit, but as Chad explains, "it's just the body purging itself of poisons." The following 20 minutes of dry heaving gives way as abject terror descends, bringing forth encounters with the dead and monsters from other dimensions.

That pales in comparison to experiencing your own death with each subsequent hit, an effect that some users found "off-putting," "challenging" and "horrifying." Users report that each puff provides 45 minutes of shrieking, screaming and sobbing while wrestling on the ground with "Mother Ayahuasca."

THCA-INFINITY - The legalization of hemp has provided consumers with a wide range of overlooked or unknown cannabinoids such as Delta-8 THC, HHC and THC-0. Now the high school dropout chemists from craft basement lab, Questionable At Best Inc., have a new option for those bored with the limits of THC and CBD.

No longer can you complain "I just don't get high enough anymore" as this "permanent cannabinoid" imparts a whole body, irreversible, limitless, ever growing high, which binds to a user's brain and never, ever subsides. It's effectively placing users into a soaring lifetime of getting higher than they have ever been, or wanted to be, albeit with some adverse side effects.

"Oh sweet Christ, I don't want to be high anymore, please make it stop" simpered user Tommy Robinson through tears, gasping that he had become increasingly high every minute of every day since trying a gummy three months ago. "Big mistake. My only tether to reality is severed, and I am one with the Cosmos, and it sucks, I want to be un-high now, please, oh God, I miss my family, please, help me, no more."

—This is, of course, satire.

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