Return to Sender: Not even gore can save the Orphan from its own gimmicks

She paints beautifully, Honey. And silly you thought she was trying to kill us!Opening with an over-the-top bloody delivery room dream sequence, Orphan shows some
promise. But soon, it quickly dissolves into the opening class session for
Formulaic Horror Moviemaking 101 with an insulting script destined to make you
roll your eyes about 50 times.

This insidious stab at the genre takes everything beyond
believability, losing any credibility almost immediately. A troubled wife (Vera
Farmiga) has demons to exorcise from her past revolving around the loss of her
daughter. With two kids already and the blessing of a worthless psychiatrist
(inadequately played by Margo Martindale), she and husband John (Peter
Sarsgaard) are off to an orphanage to pick smiling and lonely Esther (Isabelle
Fuhrman). Artistic, intelligent and world-savvy, Esther is no regular small
fry. Unconvincingly enamored, the couple takes the child home to ruin their
lives with one despicable act after another.

When things go dastardly wrong around them like accidents and
murders, it becomes unclear-not to mention maddening-as to why it’s so
difficult for the parents to connect the dots. These smart people don’t
believe, trust or support one another to any degree. That flaw aside, the
biggest question remaining is that with all the psycho babble and soap opera
discourse, why a dysfunctional family would be allowed to (or even want to) add
another member, let alone a nine-year-old antisocial loner. The wedge that Esther
seemingly drives between family members is already there-yet poorly conveyed. First-time
writers David Johnson (screenplay) and Alex Mace (story) want us to believe
that mom is going crazy without one iota of imagination in the storytelling.
Lacking surreal images to confuse, the film sticks with by-the-book dialogue
that borders on defective. When one of the lines describes a character’s
hearing as, “She can hear good enough to read lips,” you know you’re in
trouble. I kept thinking of what a treat this movie would’ve been if it was
made in the late ’60s or ’70s. With bad acting and crummy sets this could have
been a drive-in classic. As it is, the best part of this movie is Esther’s
artwork and the creepy credits.

Director Jaume Collet-Serra (House Of Wax remake)
tries his darnedest to make this movie look cool and delivers a few decent
jolts, but can’t raise any life from the predictable script. Even with all of
the horror movie scare tricks (including the dreaded medicine cabinet mirror
closing scene), stylish direction and snowy scenery this movie veers into the
completely ludicrous far too often. Bad cinema gimmicks abound: a poorly hidden
diary, a Russian Bible, ribbons covering scars, bludgeoning, car wrecks, pigeon
abuse, stabbings and fires are all tossed into the mix of conventional clichés.
On the plus side, Orphan does deliver some gruesome gory scenes and doesn’t skimp on the
blood. It’s The Omen gone turbo with a serial killer flair.

The cast members perform as if they believe they’re actually in a
good film. Farmiga goes in all directions, shooting for love, rage, joy,
self-confidence, self-pity, self-righteousness and super-doubt as the
beleaguered wife and mother. Fuhrman is great as the sinister smarty-pants, and
both kids, Max and Daniel (Aryana Engineer, Jimmy Bennett), act genuinely
frightened as tormented children. The main exception is Sarsgaard who whines
his way through his role like he wishes he were in another movie.

There is a supreme twist ending that had me chuckling to myself,
though I wouldn’t say it falls under the heading of a shocker. The tag line
says, “You’ll never guess her secret.” By the time it’s revealed, my guess is
you’ll have passed the point of caring.

Orphan ★✩✩✩✩
Starring Vera Farminga, Peter Sarsgaard, Isabelle Fuhrman, Aryana Engineer, Jimmy Bennet. Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra. Rated R.

This article appears in Jul 30 – Aug 5, 2009.