I'm in the middle of a breakup with my boyfriend of three years. We've been having problems all year, but this happened after a sex fight. We never discussed it afterwards and didn't get closure. I wanted to talk about what happened, how we feel and how we're going to relate to each other now. I would like to be friends, but he's been ghosting me since the morning I left his house. I don't know why we can't have a conscious uncoupling of this relationship. It's been incredibly important to me. But instead we awkwardly run into each other on walks or at coffee. What should I do to make this better? It's making me crazy.
From,
Crazy Girl in Bend
Dear Crazy Girl,
I hear you. This type of thing comes up for my clients all the time. There are lots of reasons this might be happening. You've been having relationship problems all year. Maybe you've gotten into a toxic communication cycle that your boyfriend doesn't trust. It could be that your communication styles are different. Conflict about sex is challenging. He may be hurt. He may have moved on.
In any event, if he doesn't want to talk, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. I know this can be maddening, but it is the plain truth. You have to accept it and do what you can to take care of yourself.
Here's what I recommend:
Use your self-help tools. Things like exercise, yoga, meditation or even hypnosis can be helpful after a breakup or communication problem like this. You're wanting closure and you think that talking with him will make that happen, but what you may really be experiencing is grief over the loss of the relationship — the closeness, intimacy and communication. The coming days, weeks and months will be tough. Take care of yourself.
Stop making excuses to see him. Sometimes you'll run into your ex. But, if you're honest with yourself, you may have been doing things so you, "accidentally" see him. One day you might find yourself on the path when he's walking his dog, but if you cruise the parking lot where you know he used to park near the river, you've gone too far. Be honest and make sure that accidental meetings are really accidents — not stalking.
Take a break from social media and if you can, delete his contact information. Before social media, it was easy to avoid hearing about a former boyfriend's date to the Halloween party. Now, his every move shows up on your phone or tablet. Do yourself a favor and unfriend, block or snooze his profile. If something really important happens, you're likely to hear about it from friends anyway. You'll spare yourself a lot of heartache by not seeing everyone "liking" his recent party post. And you won't be tempted to chime in — hoping that he'll interact with you again.
Realize that this may be the end of your friendship — but it might not be. It's hard to know what the future will look like with him. You're still new in this break up. Feelings are raw. Take in a big breath and let out a bigger exhale. When the most tender feelings have passed, he may be open to talking to you about the relationship. The good thing is that if you've taken care of yourself using these tips, you'll be in a better head space to have that conversation down the road.
Find other outlets for yourself. You don't need to hook up with your first (or even 100th) coffee date, but it's a good idea to start looking for other activities for yourself. I know that it feels impossible to move on, but it's healthy to seek out other people to hang out with and things to do. Get yourself back to your neighborhood book club, invite people for brunch. Do something new. Life is short. Try to enjoy yourself.
I get it that this is difficult. But, you got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach.
