Understanding Intimacy: A column that fosters deeper love between couples

I’m a 26-year-old woman who’s in a relationship with another woman. She’s been my girlfriend for 4+ years. Right now, she’s in grad school and I’m working full time – mostly from home. Our relationship started out with lots of passion, but these days it’s hard for us to connect physically.

It seems like we’re stuck in the friend zone in a way that neither of us expected. Weekdays are work, school, homework, eat, screens, sleep, repeat. Weekends are a little bit better, but still busy. I’m the one who used to initiate, but lately I’ve run out of good ways to get things started.

She tells me that she “wants more foreplay.” I always thought of “foreplay” as something a guy did to get his wife warmed up. But in our case “foreplay” is what we do to relax and get turned on. Can you recommend something that will help make things easier?

—Proud to be gay, but still frustrated in Bend

Dear Proud & Frustrated,

I’m glad that you brought up the idea of foreplay. Hetero couples often talk to me about “needing more foreplay” to get the woman turned on. I get why they say this, but to me, the concept of foreplay to me is different. It’s a way to think about the full range of connection and pleasure that you can explore together without focusing on doing “it.” Kind of like going to a restaurant and having apps for dinner instead of whatever they’ve put on the menu as entrees.

The most important thing to know about any kind of sexual invitation, or foreplay is that everyone responds differently. Take these ideas with a grain of salt and see how you both feel.

Tip #1 Make it playful Remember “playing around” experiences from when you were young? When you’re not having sex very often, it’s easy to put a lot of pressure on yourself when you do try to be intimate. Bringing playfulness into your relationship is a great first step when you’re trying to get out of the friend zone.

Tip #2 Let go of expectations/take the stress off

Don’t focus on the outcome and certainly don’t focus on perfection. Just focus on pleasure.

Tip #3 Do your best to become an expert on what she likes

Taking time to connect with her so you can understand her desires is the first step to rekindling the passion you two once experienced as a couple. It’s important that she understands your desires as well.

Foreplay is about enhancing emotional intimacy and creating a more fulfilling sexual experience – not just about “doing it.” This is true no matter what kind of relationship you’re in or how old you are.

What can you do?

There are lots of things that you both might enjoy when it comes to seduction or foreplay. Maybe you both love kissing. Do you need to slow down?

What about cuddling? Maybe cuddling is something that lets you both relax enough to open up and feel intimate.

How about other types of touch? Does she get ticklish easily? Do you think she likes soft, light touch? Or is she someone who prefers something harder or more direct?

How about oral pleasure? Is she open to giving or receiving? Could this be a next step for you as you increase your connection?

Do you know how to help her get out of her head when intimacy is offered? Lots of us find our minds wandering during the beginning stages of connection. This is common but could be a sign that she’s resisting real intimacy. Can she let go?

Tip #4 Don’t give up

One of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship with your girlfriend is that you have a chance to keep learning what she likes. Take time and energy to understand her. Learn her quirks and kinks. Make sure you share your personal desires with her as well. Figuring out the way you two work together is one of the most valuable things you can do in your life. It will make all the difference in the future.

You got this!

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.

This article appears in Source Weekly June 12, 2025.