In a world full of social media and online apps, the current dating culture is quite different than it was before the advent of smart phones and social media. Redmond local Brandi Klann, after being married for several years, immediately noticed the glaring difference. "Things move so fast, and people can portray themselves totally differently online," she said.
Klann recently started online dating. She quickly noticed that several men were dating multiple women at once. "I think that's different than maybe 10, 20 years ago," said Klann. "We are all in the same little dating pool and if you're in a certain age range, we're dating the same guys."
For Klann, dating is a lot easier to navigate when women are open and upfront with each other about the men they're seeing, so she joined a particular Facebook group that encourages that.
Spilling the tea
"Are We Dating the Same Guy?" is a private informational Facebook group that allows women to seek out, or divulge, information about men they're dating. The private, women-only Facebook group was originally intended to warn local women about dangerous or toxic men.
Today, the group has grown into so much more with a rise in dating advice, friendships, gossip, anonymity and controversy.
The group has a specific set of instructions for women looking to post in it. Women can post a picture of a man they're talking to online, coupled with only his first name, location and oftentimes, his age. The women will then post an icon, also known as an emoji — a tea icon or a red flag icon.
The tea icon is meant to symbolize the phrase, "spilling the tea." This can mean one of two things: a woman is looking for relevant information about a man she's dating, or she's wanting to "spill the tea." In this case, she would then have to go to the comments and share what she thought was important for other women to know.
In many cases, women will simply warn others that a man is not ready for a relationship or is clearly dating a lot of people.
The red flag emoji is more self-explanatory. When a woman posts a red flag, she's either warning others about harmful behavior, or requesting information from others that may be confirming a suspicion.
The reason for the specific guidelines, according to the group's moderator, who chose to remain anonymous to avoid possible retaliation, is to avoid violating Facebook guidelines, which can result in a post being taken down. When it comes to posting a picture with a caption, the shorter the language, the better.
The local group in Central Oregon has over 4,700 members and has several posts a day. Many women see the group as a helpful tool in navigating the uncertainties of online dating. The group serves women who are seeking men, living and dating in Central Oregon, or women who are just looking for entertainment.
"It's helpful if you want it to be helpful. If you're looking for the drama, you'll find the drama," said Klann.
Klann found the group in May after breaking up with her then-boyfriend. She'd been going on dates and saw it as a suggested group on Facebook. As she scrolled through the group, she immediately recognized men she had gone on dates with. "I was like, 'Oh, wow, these girls are spot on with what these guys are like.'"
While Klann doesn't post much in the group, she finds it extremely helpful in finding out whether the guy she's dating is genuine or if he's talking to other women. For Klann, the latter is pretty typical. "I think that's why this site comes up... are we going on dates with the same guy? Yes, yes we all are."
Group guidelines
Private Facebook groups typically come with a lot of rules, and this one is certainly no exception. Before being allowed in the group, women are required to agree to a series of rules, prohibiting the screenshotting of posts and the sharing of information outside of the group.
After getting through the first hurdle, people still aren't guaranteed acceptance as a member. The group's admin and moderator have to approve each request.
The number-one rule for acceptance is to identify as female. Women also have to physically live in Oregon, preferably Central Oregon. Lastly, requesters need to prove they aren't fake.
The group's moderator has several ways to filter out fake profiles. If the Facebook account was created in the last three months, she said, it's usually a fake account. Additionally, if the profile doesn't have a set location, or has only one or two pictures, moderators will likely deny it.
As a moderator, her job also entails approving posts and filtering out inappropriate comments. Anything that is disrespectful, accusatory or relating to one's physical appearance is prohibited and will be deleted.
The only people who are able to monitor posts and comments are her, as the moderator, and the group's admin. The moderator said both she and the admin have full-time jobs, doing this as a volunteering position on their own time. "It can be daunting when there's only two of us for almost 5,000 people," she said.
The group's moderator is passionate about helping people, and while taking this group on is quite a big task, its worth it for her to help others. "This is a really cool opportunity to help foster a much larger community that I think people don't really talk about," she said.
Spreading awareness
While the local group is very active, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of other groups across the country. The "Are We Dating the Same Guy" group started in New York City. A woman named Paolo Sanchez created the group as a "red flag awareness group," intended for women to empower one another and keep each other safe.
"I first started these groups to help solve some of the problems and dangers that me and my friends were experiencing with dating," Sanchez wrote on her GoFundMe website, which she's using to create her own app for the group. She added that the many groups have grown to host over 2.7 million members in just a year and a half. The NYC group now has over 120,000 members.
Originally created to warn others about men, the group is now open to all discussion, good or bad. Usually, comments about a guy posted in the group entail a brief overview of a woman's thoughts about him. Women can add that a man is clearly not ready for commitment or see that several other women in the comments are dating him, too.
On the flip side, there are several men that get posted and receive only positive comments. A guy may be posted and get comments from friends, coworkers, or previous dates telling others that he's a great guy and there were no red flags.
While the group has many benefits, Klann mentioned that "good guys" occasionally get a bad comment from someone who might've just had a bad date with them. It's important for women to take bad comments with a grain of salt, she said, especially if the majority are positive.
Stevens noticed this when posting a guy she was, and currently still is dating. After posting a picture of him, she saw a comment that said he had a girlfriend. After doing some digging, she found out that the girl who commented about him knew him seven years ago, when he did have a girlfriend.
"You can defend people, but I think as long as the internet has been around, we know that lies get spread really quickly," said Klann.
Say no to sharing
With a group this big, it's not surprising that it's seen its fair share of problems. The group has an increasing issue with women taking screenshots and sharing them with their male friends or co-workers that have been posted, which can be extremely dangerous if the man seeks retaliation.
The moderator has to stay vigilant and get rid of people who she, or others in the group, suspect is sharing posts. She herself has had women tell her about men who've not taken kindly to being posted.
"It's led to this kind of fear amongst the members there," said the moderator. "A lot of people have said straight out, 'I am too afraid to post here because I know it will get back to the guy.'" This has resulted in an influx of anonymous posting, which is a great way for women to share their opinions and still stay safe.
Klann has noticed the problem too, but sees it as coming with the territory. "I think everybody has to assume that anything that they post on there is going to be screenshotted and posted public somewhere," said Klann. "I don't know if I'd call it a problem. It's just something you have to be aware of."
An issue that many of these groups can run into is claims from men of harassment, invasion of privacy and defamation. Minc Law, an online law firm that works with victims who have been attacked online, has an entire web page dedicated to the "Are We Dating the Same Guy?" groups.
The law firm claims that it receives frequent calls from men who have discovered posts about themselves on these groups, unable to see or defend themselves against potentially false claims.
The law firm highlights problems with the groups, such as spreading misinformation. "A user seeking retribution against an ex could post a completely fabricated story – and there is no way to be sure a member is telling the truth," said a statement on its website.
Knowledge is power
While Facebook groups like this one can be problematic, the women I spoke to think the benefits outweigh the negatives. Not only does the group warn or inform women about men they are dating, it opens up the discourse on what online dating in this day and age is like.
Women in the group will share dating advice, ask questions about online dating and even give each other tips about finding out if a potential date has a criminal record.
For Klann, it makes her feel better when discussing dating mishaps and troubles. "It just makes us all feel like, OK, this is normal, this is what's going on now in today's dating culture," said Klann. "We're all supportive of each other."
Many women, including the moderator and Klann, have found friendships in the group, connecting with other women over dating the same guys and discussing dating experiences.
"We're all there for each other, we all have each other's backs and its really beautiful when you do see something really positive come out of it," said the moderator. "My favorite thing that's come out of it so far is I've made some wonderful friends because we all dated the same guy."
While women use the group for various reasons, the original intent of the group still holds for many: staying safe. "I think it's absolutely a good thing," said Stevens. "It's not so much, 'let's catch our guy doing something bad,' it's 'hey, this guy is dangerous and this is what he did,' and that's the way it's supposed to be."
- If you or anyone you know has experienced sexual assault, harassment or domestic violence, support is available through Saving Grace. 24 hour helpline: 541-389-7021.
