An open letter to the trees in my backyard:
Hey trees, I’m really sorry that you got so loaded with wet snow yesterday morning that you had no other choice but to drop all your branches on my lawn and break my fence and God knows what else. I love having my entire backyard full of your branches.
If you can’t tell, which you probably can’t because you’re a stupid tree, I’m being sarcastic. What is it with you lazy trees? You just give up when a little early-October snow lands on your precious leaves—which by the way, should have changed colors by now…procrastination? I think so. Maybe we should have replaced you with trees that take the time to stop and say, “Gee it’s October, now maybe I should finally get around to at least making those leaves a light orange.” But nope, you didn’t even do that, so now we have pieces of you guys all over the yard, the deck and on top of my barbecue grill.
You better be praying to the tree gods (if you even took the time to come up with any such deities) that my grill isn’t damaged, because that’s where I cook my meat, which unlike you, is delicious. But we’re getting off topic here, so let’s get back to the topic at hand: who in the hell do you think you are?
Let’s get this straight, just because it snowed like three inches, you decided to just give up and drop your limbs all over the place? Do you know what would happen if I—an actual responsible living being, unlike you guys—decided to let my arms fall to the ground just because it freaking snowed? I’d probably lose my job and also have to waste time in a hospital. I might also have to bother someone else by borrowing some replacement blood. I’m glad trees can’t fight in wars because we’d probably be occupied by Portugal or some place like that by now.
It’s called responsibility and since you’ve liked in America for, like, 75 years now, maybe you should take some of that responsibility up by now. But no, after we clean you up off the ground, you’ll probably just sit there with your jagged broken limbs pointing skyward like some sort of massive eff-you to the world. Jeez, and to think they gave you guys a holiday.
This article appears in Oct 1-7, 2009.
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Dude, as a former tree I am truly insulted by this unbelievably naive and uninformed “blog” – that’s right I put it in quotes – do you understand the immense responsibility trees have to carry. Imagine if your entire life consisted of breathing in CO2 and belching out Oxygen. It was a good gig 75 years ago. I don’t know if you have noticed that C02 was on the rise or not, but let me tell you for sure that it is? Guess who gets to clean that sh*t up? Yes, trees. It’s like they’ve all been put into a hot dog eating contest against their will. Sure trees got a little break during this last recession, but it’s never going to drop back to 1933 levels.
And by the way, is that a wood fence in the background, any wood in your house, what about that liberal rag you produce? Yeah, those all came from my former buddies. The trees bear a terrible burden in the Northwest. They sit back and watch as you and your people slaughter them for products that they then have to sit next to all day. How would you like your office in a grave yard or a morgue?
Just because a few trees, that aren’t even native, couldn’t handle the unseasonably early snow doesn’t mean their lazy.
Your lucky the whole trunk didn’t come down on your house!
***btw – trees that end up producing alcohol, such as wine and scotch and beer, are the only happy trees – GO LITTLE WOODY!
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