And Justice for All: Supreme updates, Tea Bag revolt in Utah, giant beaver dams and more! | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

And Justice for All: Supreme updates, Tea Bag revolt in Utah, giant beaver dams and more!

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gas station, thanking BP and Fords with 460 horses, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gas station, thanking BP and Fords with 460 horses, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Enter Elena

"Government is itself an art, one of the subtlest of arts," she was quoted in a 1977 yearbook, unaware that her other note, "Brad is super cute!" will soon be used against her as well. Elena Kagan has been nominated by President Obama to succeed Justice Stevens on the Supreme Court, and the 50 year-old "acclaimed Constitutional scholar" nicknamed "Shorty" by legendary Justice Thurgood Marshall won't see much subtlety as Republicans sharpen their spears to attack the same person they confirmed as Solicitor General 61-31 last year (for more toxic environments, see below).

"Powerful interests must not be allowed to drown out" voices of Americans, declared Obama while introducing Kagan, and powerful, if not Neanderthal, interests will surely cite the brief Kagan filed as dean of Harvard Law School opposing a federal funding ban on colleges that bar military recruiters on campus due to the "don't ask don't tell" policy (one that hypocritical Republicans embrace daily, while embracing each other at night). If that's not enough fodder, cases that the next Justice will decide on include gun rights and life without parole for juvenile monsters. Though nominated by Ford, soon-to-retire Justice Stevens has been very liberal, and conservatives will surely oppose another who lacks a penis. Obama's first successful pick, Justice Sonya Sotomayor, asked more questions of litigants in her first session than Justice Clarence "Is that a pube?" Thomas in his entire 19 years on the Court, so get ready for much mud-slinging from those who stacked the court during Bush/Cheney with justices who sided with Exxon-Mobil and granted corporations more rights than American citizens along with unlimited spending during elections.

Fat Fingering

At 10:17 a.m. Monday, as Elena Kagan was being introduced, the DOW was up 414 points. Four days earlier, at 2pm Thursday, the DOW was plummeting 998-points. Why? It seems an overpaid/overfed trader stabbed "b" instead of "m" on his keyboard, selling billions of Proctor and Gamble shares instead of millions. The response was akin to a mariachi band playing in downtown Arizona - riots and chaos as idiots who haven't quite finished ruining our country sold everything, and not exactly inspiring confidence in capitalism. Just look at a QWERTY keyboard and see the letters go b-n-m, so this obese prick was most likely also drunk; sources have him being at Citigroup, a bank that is still "too big to fail."

Toxic Environments

After four terms, Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT) is no longer conservative enough, losing the Republican state convention primary partially due to Tea Party fanatics endorsing a lobotomized pit-bull who foams at the mouth while vomiting ignorant rhetoric. Tearing-up and saying, "This is a toxic environment," Bennett made the mistake of not universally yelling "No!" at every policy put forward by Democrats, even daring to offer an alternative for health care and voting for the banking bailout. Incumbents beware, there's a lynch-mob on the rampage; anyone who tries to get anything done in America will be shot on sight; conservative Op-Ed writer David Brooks called it a "damn outrage."

Another damn outrage is the lack of real information coming from BP. What was initially reported as 5,000 gallons per day spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has become a quarter-million gallons; the giant Trojan condom BP hoped would ebb the flow over the weekend failed. Yet another outrage: The Minerals Management Service, the federal agency in charge of regulating the oil and mining industries, ceded full control to the industry under the Bush Admin (what a surprise!) according to new reports, with American oil workers four times more likely to get injured than international workers.

Other Snippets of Insanity

Pentagon God Robert Gates has officially lost his mind, demanding 2-3 percent cuts in military spending, ($10 billion of $550-plus billion total each year) invoking Eisenhower's warning of the "military-industrial complex" and mocking our military spending by saying, "Does the number of warships we have and are building really put America at risk when the U.S. battle fleet is larger than the next 13 navies combined, 11 of which belong to allies and partners? Is it a dire threat that by 2020 the United States will have only 20 times more advanced stealth fighters than China?"

Even more insane is the EU's bookkeeping and the proposed $660 billion bailout: Greece is totally broke, even after a $110 billion bailout and major "austerity" program cuts; further forensic accounting shows Portugal and Spain nearing panhandler status with Switzerland almost included among the indigent, until another look showed the Swiss are actually really rich (secret accounts anyone?). Also, trying to outdo Arizona in xenophobia, Oklahoma is pushing new illegal immigrant ("Thanks for the cheap labor, not get the F out!") laws, despite the fact that Oklahoma doesn't border Mexico; in response, God sent tornadoes through the Sooner State, killing four and, of course, targeting trailer parks.

Nice Beaver!

Lena Horne is dead at 92: The first featured African-American woman to lead a white band, playing at Harlem's Cotton Club with Cab Calloway and Duke Ellington, then one of the first to sign a major movie contract, with MGM in 1942, Horne was rebranded as Latin American in roles, which she called "an imitation of a white woman." Horne was a hottie, and Jim Morrison and Frank Sinatra are both drunk and hitting on her right now, yet she's eyeing Jimi Hendrix.

Finally, the most awesome beaver news since the 1970s: Google Earth helped Canadian ecologist Jean Thie locate the largest known beaver dam in the world; over eight football fields long, They estimated the giant dam was started by the beavers back in, yep you guessed it, the 1970s.

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