Critical Care: Heath Care shenanigans, Girl Scout cookies, Letterman's confession and more | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Critical Care: Heath Care shenanigans, Girl Scout cookies, Letterman's confession and more

Heath Care shenanigans, Girl Scout cookies, Letterman's confession and more.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Washington D.C., trying to filter politicians from panhandlers and lobbyists, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

It's 2:15am, Do You
Know Where Your
Health Care Is?

In a dumpster, with Max Baucus' ethics and his industry contributors/cronies, of course. When the Senate Finance Committee completed overturning any amendments to chairman Max Baucus' (D-Montana) health care "reform" last Friday (@ 2:15am - Wow! They worked hard!) any hopes of a public option ended. Or did they? This is politics at its prettiest: Inside sources (I am in D.C. after all) have backroom deals attaching a public option to a bill for new TARP Funds (you know, those highly effective bailout dollars to needy firms like Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase et al). Don't wait in the ER for coverage, yet, but Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) is promising a public option in any final bill; meanwhile, ever-effective House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) has ruled out co-ops (basically a big lottery against any of us getting cancer or crashing our cars) in her bills. Who will win? Reid, the former boxer, or Pelosi, the daughter of a politician who deserved her job? One last thing that may interest hardcore party hawks: Amendments to add a public option were voted down by party-lines, putting GOP'ers on the record as opposing any chance at true reform. Add to this their opposition to Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor and you have Republicans as popular at the polls as a cold-sore at a kissing booth.

Wait! Did Our General
Say that?

After Gen Stanley McChrystal said last week that we have 12 months to win in Afghanistan or the country will turn into another Detroit, mothballed soldiers were brought out to counter him - With retired Marine Corps General (and NSA advisor) James Jones saying, "I don't foresee the return of the Taliban," and Al Qaeda is, "Very diminished. The maximum estimate is less than 100 reported operating in the country. No bases. No buildings to launch attacks on either us or our allies." Covering his eyes while other optimists plugged their ears and slapped hands over their mouths, they then accepted a package from a bearded man who said he's a Girl Scout.

U.N. = Ugly "Neutrality"

Too much news about Afghanistan can be really boring - You know, where our brilliant Pentagon wants to ship another 40,000 troops. But this news BOOM! OMG! THE HORROR! Who did that? Where's Jimmy?!? I thought that guy was one of us... The U.N. food agency's Pakistan headquarters was bombed, killing five, and the bomber disguised as a security officer. The U.N. is now closing its food relief efforts in Pakistan, despite heavy security (yet poor screening of actual security officers). The U.N. should also consider closing itself. Yep, you heard me right. Something is rotten, and the dismissal of senior U.N. envoy to Afghanistan Peter Galbraith, after he dared speak publicly of vote rigging and the U.N.'s obvious interest in Hamid Karzai's re-election. Speaking to the BBC about his former boss, Zekria Barakzai (who is running the recount, of course), Galbraith didn't mince words: "He didn't want the UN staff to talk about it, he didn't want us to discuss issues, for example of turnout, with the ambassadors in Kabul because we knew the turnout was very low in the southern provinces although a very large number of votes were in fact being reported from those areas."

On Dave and SonIa

All thanks to David Letterman, for both singing to the Feds about being blackmailed for $2 million by scumbag producer (those two words are interchangeable) Robert Halderman, then outing himself as a super stud who has sex with his staff. Note but no excuse: He wasn't married while swinging, none of the women cried foul, and his wife's name is Regina (need we say more?). If squeaky clean Leno was busted for anything interesting it may be news but, deep down, we all knew Dave's a dirty, dirty boy, didn't we? Speaking of sexy ladies in robes, Sonia Sotomayor jumped into her new job as Supreme Court Justice, grilling attorneys on her first day with 42 total questions. That's 40 more questions than Justices Samuel "Count Weirdly" Alito and Clarence "Do I Still Have a Job?" Thomas asked all of last session.

Other Third World News

Brazil got the nod to host the 2016 Olympics, despite Obama's last minute plea to give it to his mob pals, err, Chicago. At least 608 are dead in Indonesia after two earthquakes and giant waves hit near Padang; millions have fled their homes and offers from FEMA for their diligent assistance have as of yet gone unaccepted. And, finally, proof that Jesus wasn't riding a dinosaur arrived in Ethiopia with the discovery of "Ardi" - a 4.4 million year-old hominid that weighed 110 pounds and stood 4 feet tall. In addition to challenging "Bridget the Midget" at Starz, Ardi reverses common theories on evolution, showing that humans and chimps did evolve from a common ancestor, but slowly and separately over time.

Lastly, Online Headlines That Make YOU Go "Hmmm... "

Maya Angelou calls death rumors troubling

Malawian boy inspired by wind

When sniffer dogs get the wrong guy

Drummer for the Police says friction is good

Palin 'catastrophic,' ex-McCain staffer says

Democrats have ADD, and Republicans have awful childhood issues.

(Okay, we made up the last one, but it's apt.

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