One Day at a Time

LAST WEEK, DEARS, we listed the candidates for The Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012 Ever—and they included everyone from faves like Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to Kim Kardashian and Rush Limbaugh. But when it came time to pick the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2012? Sadly, it wasn’t even close—Chris Brown single-handedly ruined 2012! Let’s take a horrible trip down Memory Lane, shall we? You should probably bring a barf bag. —Ann

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Quick question: Has the world gone insane? And in particular, has lovely pop star Rihanna gone insane? Her former boyfriend Chris Brown still shows little to no remorse for brutally choking, beating, and threatening to kill her back in 2009. (Take, for example, the pick-up line that Us reports Brown has been using: “Can I get your number? I promise I won’t beat you.”) Today, Rihanna released a new single—in which she invited Brown to sing along! Titled “Birthday Cake,” the squicky song features Brown singing that it’s “been a long time,” and Rihanna responding, “Remember how you did it? Remember how you fit it? If you still wanna kiss it, come, come and get it.” NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23

According to the Miami Beach police, Chris Brown stole a fan’s iPhone outside of a South Beach club. Local gal Christal Spann, 24, spotted Brown climbing into his car outside the Miami hotspot Cameo when she snapped his picture on her new iPhone. Then, according to Spann, Brown reached through the car window, snatched the phone away from her, and barked, “Bitch, you ain’t going to put that on no website,” before speedily driving away. Such a charmer! And such a strong command of the English language.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Chris Brown stirred up trouble in an NYC nightclub tonight when he and rapper Drake got into a huge, punch-throwing, bottle-tossing rumble. (We assume the brawl started because both men used to date Rihanna… and because Chris Brown is a malodorous douche.) By the time police arrived, Brown and Drake had fled the scene, but the melee caused thousands of dollars in damage and injured five people, including an innocent female Australian tourist whose head was gashed open by a thrown bottle—which sadly counts as another notch in Brown’s “female abuse belt.” (If this keeps up, he’s gonna need a bigger belt!)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19

Rihanna: gorgeous, talented, and so, so stupid. “I’m single, but we have maintained a very close friendship since the restraining order has been dropped,” the mentally deficient singer told Oprah when asked about Chris Brown. “It’s awkward because I still love him,” she continued. “The main thing for me is he’s at peace. I’m not at peace if he’s not happy or if he’s still lonely.” RIHANNA. We don’t… we can’t even… NO, RIHANNA. NO. THIS IS NOT… NO. THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24

In news that will make your skin crawl off your body and down the street to the nearest bar, pop starlet Rihanna tweeted her love and prayers to Chris Brown. The occasion? The R&B singer is still on probation for beating Rihanna in 2009, and he had a probationary hearing today! Naturally, RiRi posted the following Twatter: “Praying for you baby, my best wishes are with you today! Remember that whatever God does in our lives, it is WELL DONE!!! #1Love” Okay… that’s really gross. And kind of gives God a bad name, right?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1

The New York Post reports that Chris Brown and Rihanna were spotted locking themselves in a NYC club bathroom for 20 minutes. Earlier, snoopy spies spotted RiRi entering the trendy Griffin nightclub, at which point, “Chris made his way over to Rihanna. He raised his shirt and was dancing promiscuously.” OMIGOD THAT IS THE WORST SENTENCE EVER UTTERED IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. “Then they started dancing together and hugging and kissing in front of everyone.” Stunned and/or disgusted onlookers then saw the pair go into the bathroom—and when Rihanna finally emerged, she “seemed a little ruffled.” We suppose that’s a step up from having one’s face beaten to a pulp.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2

Oh, and we mentioned that Chris Brown has had a girlfriend for over a year, right? Oh. Well, he’s had a girlfriend—for over a year. And that unlucky girlfriend is model Karrueche Tran, who after reading in the papers about Brown’s bathroom canoodle with Rihanna had this to say in her Twatter machine: “There’s a difference between a man and a boy. I prefer men.” Speaking on behalf of the women of the world, we’d prefer it if Karrueche and Rihanna didn’t make the rest of us look like idiots.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3

Serial dickhead Chris Brown has dumped longtime girlfriend Karrueche Tran! “I have decided to be single to focus on my career,” the clearly lying Brown told Us magazine. “I love Karrueche very much [I’m lying again], but I don’t want to see her hurt over my friendship with Rihanna [Remember her? The ‘friend’ I nearly beat to death?]. I’d rather be single allowing us to both be happy in our lives [and I’m only truly happy when beating women].”

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24

Celebrity woman-beater Chris Brown isn’t on Twitter anymore! Here’s why: When Brown tweeted “I look old as fuck! I’m only 23,” comedy writer Jenny Johnson replied, “I know! Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person.” Shockingly, Brown took this…poorly, and began an exchange with Johnson that included bon mots like, “take them teeth out when u Sucking my dick HOE” (Johnson’s reply: “It’s ‘HO’ not ‘HOE’ you ignorant fuck”), “I should fart while ur giving me top” (“Your mom must be so proud of you”), “mom says hello… She told me not to shart in ur mouth, wanted me to shit right on the retina” (“YOU FLIRT!!!”), and “your a pathetic bitch” (“It’s ‘YOU’RE’ a pathetic bitch”). “Okay, I’m done,” Johnson then tweeted. “All I got from that exchange with Chris Brown is that he wants to shit and fart on me.” “Don’t run for support now… Lol. Ur a comedic writer!!! If u can take a dick, u can take a joke,” Brown replied, adding, “Just ask Rihanna if she mad??????” and “Know that I’m not upset. Just felt like entertaining the ignorance. These bitches crazy..” Brown then hastily shut down his Twitter account. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27

Rihanna continues to tempt us to pick up a gun and blow our beautiful brains out. Last week she took to Twatter “giving thanks” for spending Thanksgiving with her former abuser Chris Brown in Berlin. (GAHHHH!! This is not what the pilgrims intended!) Today she returned to Twatter to post a picture of a shirtless man—who is almost certainly Chris Brown—lying on her bed, adding the cryptic message, “Dis ni**a….” Okay, now she’s just trolling us. This is not how it works, Rihanna! We’re the gossipmongers! We troll YOU!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 10

Girl, we hate to say we told you so, but… WE SO TOLD YOU SO. According to The Sun, Rihanna is fah-urious with loathesome creep Chris Brown for cheating on her… even though she’s yet to admit they’re dating! The two reportedly had a huge fight—not like the one in 2009, where Chris attempted to beat Rihanna to death with his fists—after he was photographed whooping it up with a bevy of gals in Paris. Well, this is just shocking news. And here we thought that Chris Brown had completely reformed, and was ready to settle down and become the perfect boyfriend. #sarcasm