Supreme Defeat The South is redeemed by court order, Iraq burns while Iran learns, and more! | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

Supreme Defeat The South is redeemed by court order, Iraq burns while Iran learns, and more!

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from St. Charles Medical Center's

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from St. Charles Medical Center's ER, eagerly awaiting Obama's healthcare coverage, on assignment for and The Source Weekly.

Racism is Over, Yay!

being a judge is hard!In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court narrowed but did not overturn the Voting Rights Act. Enacted under LBJ's "Great Society" (AKA "JFK is dead and you can't prove I did it!") the Voting Rights Act forced counties, cities and school districts to prove why they should be allowed to "bail out" of the law-And, surprise surprise! A small Texas water district wanted to do just that, but called the process unfair and outdated. The Supreme Court has officially disagreed, but Chief Justice John Roberts (who is on the record as a young law clerk opposing the Voting Rights Act, Democrats voting, and women breathing) narrowed Section 5 of the Act in the decision, saying that any county or district must prove it has a "clean record" for a decade before "bailing out." Interesting language from our top court, indeed; sounds more like drug court. "Things have changed in the South," said Roberts. Have they? Been to a BBQ in Alabama lately, Chief Justice, or a GOP convention? For further consideration: The sole African-American Justice, Clarence Thomas, said he would have struck down Section 5 as unconstitutional. As a result, Awbrey Butte is now free to tar and feather panhandlers, and Crook County schools will hold a book burning at dusk.

My Kid is Special!

Oregon also reached the Supreme Court, and of course it involved poorly performing students and marijuana use. Some kid known only as "TA" from Forest Grove and his parents have won the right to recover $65,000 from the public school district, after enrolling him at Mt. Bachelor Academy for $5,000 per month to address undiagnosed issues that he was never put in special Ed to address. Confused yet? So was the top Court. Forest Grove officials thought marijuana explained TA's lackluster performance, but the Supreme Court disagreed in a 6-3 decision, saying that "Public schools have an affirmative obligation," to pay for stoners, idiots, and those needing real attention (everything after the quote was made-up to bring humor to at least one Supreme Court decision). Soon-to-retire Justice David Souter wrote the dissenting opinion, saying that such instances should involve pre-existing conditions-a wise reading of the law that his prospective replacement, Judge Sonia Sotomayor, should heed. Due to the Supreme Court's decision, parents can just go off on their own, based on Oprah and Dr. Phil, and find whatever solution their special kid needs, then force cash-strapped public schools to pay for it-like they always do, anyway.


That's Bend's latest unemployment rate, if you didn't know already.

More Iran, UGHHH

At least 17 are dead, Ahmadinejad is still president, that spooky bearded guy in a cape warned protestors to stop, and the ousted Shah's son is speaking up-which really makes irate Iranians forget how we've meddled in their business for decades-As Obama refutes any allegations of U.S. malfeasance, and challenger Mir Hossein Moussavi is still alive, blah blah blah... This failed revolution proves one thing: Don't believe a word on blogs or what Twitter tells you. A suicide bomber probably didn't exist, and reformists have more propaganda tricks than Karl Rove. Iran still loves its mullahs. Tune into CNN if you want to follow this; it's mere distraction as neighbor Iraq is blowing up again. A single bombing in Kirkuk killed 73-four times more than the election protests in Iran-and the deadliest in over a year. Also, our troops are under rocket attack in Afghanistan, two killed in Kabul. Why are we in the Middle East, anyway? To spread freedom? Hmmm.... Oh, OIL! Sorry for asking.

Breedlove, and Cookie-DOH!

Finding Beau Breedlove an "unreliable witness" (yet awesomely named lover), hearings into pederast Portland Mayor Sam Adams' relationship with his then-underage Beau uncovered not enough evidence for official charges. But a voter recall against the Mayor will go on, and Adams' quote after hearing the results of the hearings won't help his case: "I am very sincere in the fact that I've lied." (quoted verbatim, 6/22/09). A Nestle facility in Danville, Virginia, is Ground Zero for the worst disaster since Oreo cookies were mistakenly shipped with peanut butter instead of white cream-Cookie-Doh! 2009 spread E-coli, and 300,000 cases had to be recalled. Please, put the cookie-dough down now. Nestle announced that over 200 workers may have to be laid-off at the facility because Americans will never eat delicious, sugary treats again.

Hi-YO! Don't Commute...

A moment of silence for Ed McMahon, Johnny Carson's drunk sidekick for decades, who passed peacefully on Tuesday at the age of 86; across the country, desperate Americans are wondering who will now deliver giant sweepstakes checks. Ryan Seacrest is still alive, regrettably, so the torch/flamer has been passed. Also bow your head for the seven killed in the Metro train collision in Washington D.C. on Tuesday. The aptly named Red Line was covered with carnage at 5pm, with one of the train's attendants also killed in the crash. As of press time, Exxon-Mobil could be heard snickering, jacking up gas prices for the summer and all Americans now in fear of commuting.


The Bar Bandit

Did you hear the one about the ex-cop who robbed a bank? They caught him playing video poker in a bar in La Pine.

No it's not a joke, it actually happened here last week when a former cop walked into BOTC in Bend and walked out with $1,000 cash without making a withdrawal. His wife waited outside in the getaway car and the two made a beeline for La Pine where the car was later spotted in a bar parking lot and the perp was inside playing video poker. Seriously, were you trying to get caught, Jesse James? WTF?!

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