"Vote Pedro" | The Source Weekly - Bend, Oregon

"Vote Pedro"

So we’re at “Bay Days” in Hampton, VA, (not to be confused with a fabulous fashion show in CA) looking for George Clinton and Parliament yet finding some crap country band instead, wondering where da funk be at.

So we're at "Bay Days" in Hampton, VA, (not to be confused with a fabulous fashion show in CA) looking for George Clinton and Parliament yet finding some crap country band instead, wondering where da funk be at. Asking one of the 22 crackers listening to some 9-11 patriotic heartburn we then learned that Parliament (George couldn't make it, maybe his hair wasn't feeling well) was performing on the other stage. You heard me right: On the 400th anniversary of "America's oldest continuously English speaking settlement," music must still serve all sides - segregation based on the level of bass.

Blackbeard the Pirate had a camp here, and fools have now gained a foothold in the media. Yet another religious nut named Jones was allowed to appear on television; not Jim with killer Cool-Aid, but Terry from Cape Girardeau, Missouri, the same town that produced Rush "Got Any Oxy?" Limbaugh. We can't make this stuff up; the levees along Big Muddy didn't fail while Rush and Terry were graduating together from Central High School ("The class of '69 ain't benign!"). After being booted from its sister church in Germany for being intolerant (which says much in the Fatherland) Jones brought his version of peace and love to Florida with "No Homo Mayor" signs and, soon, an IRS audit for selling Snuggies inside his tinfoil chapel.

Needless to say, Quran and lighter fluid skyrocketed last week. Not to be outdone, Australia-based lawyer and "evangelical atheist" (Can you say therapy?) Alex "Look At Me!" Stewart burned pages from both the Bible and Quran on YouTube. Religion should have ceased when we landed on the moon, yet Imam Feisal Abdul "My Name Is Long" Rauf is steadfast about building a mosque near Ground Zero, rebuffing Donald "I'm Fired" Trump's offer to buy the site at a 25 percent premium. The parade of the vapid wouldn't be adequate without Michael "Did You Miss Me?" Moore, who wants the mosque built on (not near) Ground Zero, explaining both his whiney voice and latest cause celebre by saying, "We live in a nation where sadly, people listen to things [and] they get afraid very easily."

The GOP thought they had President "Is Rahm Gone Yet?" Obama pigeonholed on the mosque subject (like they did with health care, Iraq, the debt, Democratic Party, et al) yet he still has Bush to blame. As well as rich people like himself: That 0.1 percent of Americans who most benefited from Bush's great giveaway to the tune of $700 billion. Tax cuts will be the topic till the midterm, and just try to be a Republican defending those making more than $250,000 a year during the worst recession since the last time Republicans left office.

House Minority Leader John "I'm Not A Minority" Boehner is always up to a challenge, stating while also fake-baking on "Face the Nation" that, "If the only option I have is to vote for those at $250,000 and below, of course I'm going to do that. But I'm going to do everything I can to fight to make sure that we extend the current tax rates for all Americans."

Yep, "all Americans" can keep bankrupting America with tax cuts we couldn't afford back then and certainly can't now.

Speaking of parasites, our military industrial complex is doing remarkably well during this recession. Soon to be announced is a $60 billion aircraft and weapons system deal with Saudi "Need Oil?" Arabia. Touted to generate more than 75,000 jobs, this deal (with certain weapons excluded based on sometime-ally Israel's concerns) proves that America's economy is utterly, hopelessly lost. Only by selling our death machines to both sides will our country thrive after the apocalypse.

Shhh. Focus on celebrities and religious fanatics. Listen to Lee Greenwood. Stop reading so much. Don't dare mention the new report from Amnesty International that an estimated 30,000 Iraqis are being held without trial (just fewer than the total of U.S. troops remaining) with up to 10,000 recently transferred from American custody as we "officially ended our combat mission in Iraq."

Ignore that Cuba President Raul "My Brother's Keeper" Castro just announced a half-million state workers will be laid-off in favor of privatization. Our island enemy can no longer afford Communism, with the workers' union CTC endorsing the plan: "Our state cannot and should not continue maintaining companies, productive entities and services with inflated payrolls and losses that damage our economy and result in counterproductivity, create bad habits and distort workers' conduct," says Raul.

Stop that! Socialism has worked wonders in America, just look at our no-bid military, energy policy, corn and cotton industries... Wow! Look at how crazy Lady Gaga looks! Isn't the NFL on? Brett Favre may win, or lose, and someone just got injured - ouch!

Is this thing on? This mess ain't gonna be fixed till long after the elections. Vote Pedro. And make my funk the P-funk, I wants to get f*#ked up.

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