You’ve Been a Naughty Boy, Billy

Bill Gates got a big lump of coal in his stocking this year from PC World magazine, which gave Microsoft's Windows Vista operating system the top spot on its list of "The 15 Biggest Tech Disappointments of 2007."
"Five years in the making and this is the best Microsoft could do?" the magazine mused. "It's not that Vista is awful. … It's just that Vista isn't all that good."
PC World's editors blasted Vista for being slower than its XP predecessor, for incompatibilities with earlier software and hardware, for its irritating security features and for its price tag – $399 for Vista Ultimate.
"No wonder so many users are clinging to XP like shipwrecked sailors to a life raft, while others who made the upgrade are switching back," the magazine wrote.
Despite all its shortcomings, the editors added, "We have no doubt Vista will come to dominate the PC landscape, if only because it will become increasingly hard to buy a new machine that doesn't have it pre-installed. And that's disappointing in its own right."
Megadittoes to that.
Some other prize Christmas turkeys on PC World's list:
#10 - Wireless Carriers. "Today's cell phone hardware is wildly innovative. … But innovative wireless service providers? Few and far between. Voice call quality still sucks, high-speed data networks are still scarce, and the companies still want too big a chunk of our wallets ($2.50 for a 20-second ring tone -exsqueeze me?). Worse, the inability to easily switch U.S. carriers but keep your phone is grating."
#9 - Microsoft Office 2007. "Many of us spent a decade learning how to use Microsoft Office. So now that we finally have it all down, Microsoft changes almost everything about the interface in 2007, and not for the better."
#8 - Apple's "Leopard" Operating System. "Maybe we just got spoiled by the iPod and iPhone, but the glow came off Steve Job's halo after this feline fleabag debuted."
#5 - The Apple iPhone. "… aside from minor flaws like a tiny touch keyboard and lack of Flash support, the phone itself is pretty terrific. But AT&T's broadband service? Definitely second-rate. And if you want to switch to a more reliable or faster carrier, you have to take your chances with the hackers."
#4 - Yahoo. " … there's one area where Yahoo can lay claim to being Number One: creating political prisoners. At least three times over the past five years, information supplied by Yahoo…has led to the incarceration of Chinese dissidents."
#2 - The High-Def Format War between Sony's Blu-Ray and Toshiba's HD-DVD technology. "Did we learn nothing from VHS vs. Betamax, CD-R vs. CD-RW, DVD-A vs. SACD, and so on down the line? At least the warring DVD camps worked out a compromise in the mid-90s that allowed everyone to profit from the new movie format (though it took them a while). Not so in HD land, where a take-no-prisoners attitude on both sides has left consumers cold. It will be a snowy day in Video Hell before we'll put our money down on either format."

There's some debate over the origins of the modern, red-suited, white-bearded Santa Claus.
His name, for example, is derived from the 4th century bishop St. Nicklaus of Mycea, who was known for his generosity. But other aspects of the modern Claus appear to be derived from German pagan traditions, his bearded visage more closely resembles that of the Germanic god Odin. And Santa's reindeer-powered transcontinental journey seems inspired by the tales of Odin's flying horse Sleipnir.
While there are plenty of points of contention about Santa's origin, there's one thing that people all around the world have agreed upon for some time - Santa is a big guy.
Recently that presumption has come under fire. Earlier this year a London newspaper reported that there was a push in that country to make the legions of seasonal Santa workers get in shape in order to set a better example for children. More recently the US Surgeon General Steven Galson told the Boston Herald that Santa did not provide a healthy role model for children. The Santa makeover effort has prompted somewhat of a backlash, led in part by a tongue-in-cheek campaign from local advertising PR firm DVA Advertising and Public Relations. The company launched a satirical website last week, www.keepsantafat.com in a lighthearted effort to counter the push for a PC Santa.
So far the group has secured roughly 3,400 signatories to its Keep Santa Fat online petition, gathering support from all 50 states and dozens of countries, said Justin Yax, DVA's public relations director. The website has received more than 8,000 hits since launching this past weekend, Yax said, and has been featured on ABC News and the New York Times. The company hatched the idea to do a web campaign about three weeks ago after watching the Santa weight controversy gather momentum, said Yax.
"Instead of doing a holiday card this year, we're doing this. This what we're putting our effort into," he said.
DVA has pledged to donate the equivalent of one pound of food to America's Second Harvest Food Bank for each signature, up to 50,000 pounds. Yax said DVA is currently looking for business and individual partners to match its donation.
The web campaign, which includes video spots by DVA in the Daily Show vein, was a group effort, said Yax.
The site includes an optimal weight chart for Santa, which Yax said puts him between 285 and 330 pounds. Oh yeah, and he's roughly 5 foot 8. For those keeping score that puts him at body mass index somewhere between 43 and 50. And well into the obese range, according to the National Institute of Health.
But then again, nobody's arguing that he isn't fat.
"We've been having fun with it and that's all we set out to do," Yax said.

The international community breathed the proverbial sigh of relief Monday at the news that the Sudanese teddy bear crisis has been defused.
Gillian Gibbons, a 54-year-old British school teacher who was working in the capital of Khartoum, was arrested last week after authorities learned she had allowed her 6- and 7-year-old students to name a teddy bear "Mohammed." (Although "Mohammed" in all its variations is one of the most common boys' names in the world, fundamentalist Muslims regard it as a gross insult to the Prophet to apply the name to an animal - evidently even a stuffed one.)
Following a hearing, Gibbons was sentenced to 15 days in prison - a ruling that provoked a near-riot in Khartoum by Muslims who wanted her to receive the maximum penalty of a year in prison and 40 lashes.
The case turned into a diplomatic cause celébre, with two Muslim members of Britain's House of Lords dispatched to intercede with Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir. On Monday, al-Bashir announced that Gibbons had been pardoned and would be allowed to return to Britain.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown welcomed the decision, saying he was glad that "common sense has prevailed." Sudan's ambassador to Britain, Khalid al-Mubarak, also was pleased with the outcome: "[Gibbons] is a teacher who went to teach our children English and she has helped a great deal and I am very grateful. What has happened was a cultural misunderstanding, a minor one, and I hope she, her family and the British people won't be affected by what has happened."
And, inevitably, some enterprising soul has come up with a way to make a buck off of the incident. You can buy "Muhammad the Tolerance Teddy" at cafepress.com for $20.

Neil Diamond has finally revealed the answer to one of the great unsolved mysteries of Western culture: Who was the inspiration for his hit song "Sweet Caroline"?
According to Diamond, it was none other than sweet little Caroline Kennedy.
"I've never discussed it with anybody before — intentionally," the 66-year-old singer-songwriter told The Associated Press last week. "I thought maybe I would tell it to Caroline when I met her someday."
The opportunity came when Diamond performed the song via satellite for the late President John F. Kennedy's daughter - now bearing the name Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg - at her recent 50th birthday celebration.
Diamond told The AP he was "a young, broke songwriter" when he chanced across a photo of Caroline in a magazine. "It was a picture of a little girl dressed to the nines in her riding gear, next to her pony," he said. "It was such an innocent, wonderful picture, I immediately felt there was a song in there."
The actual song, however, wasn't written until some years later. Released as a single in 1969, it went platinum and rose to Number 4 on the Billboard Hot 100 charts.
Frankly, Upfront couldn't help being somewhat skeptical about Diamond's story. Caroline Kennedy was just 12 years old when he wrote the song; he was 25. What normal 25-year-old man would write lyrics like this to a 12-year-old girl?
I look at the night / And it don't seem so lonely / We fill it up with only two / And when I hurt / Hurtin' runs off my shoulders / How can I hurt when holdin' you / Warm, touchin' warm, reachin' out / Touchin' me, touchin' you / Sweet Caroline / Good times never seem so good / I've been inclined to believe they never would
However, if Diamond says that's the way it was, we guess there's no choice but to believe it.
But we still want to know who "Cracklin' Rosie" was - and we refuse to buy Diamond's story that she was a bottle of wine.

Wayne Hauge and David Monson aren't your stereotypical dreadlocked, tattooed and multiply-pierced marijuana lovers - they're just a couple of farmers in North Dakota. But they're spearheading a court case that could be a milestone in the campaign for legalization of hemp.
This week, Monson and Hauge plan to ask a federal judge in Bismarck to force the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration to observe a state law that would allow them to start cultivating hemp. (As a state legislator - a Republican one, no less - Monson helped get the law passed.) Under present federal law farmers must get DEA approval to grow the plant. If Monson and Hauge win, they could clear the way for hemp production on a much larger scale in North Dakota and eventually the United States.

All you hipsters out there looking to clear bumper real estate for that "Colbert in '08" sticker, can cool your jets, because if you didn't hear, Comedy Central megastar and faux-pundit Stephen Colbert was denied access to the South Carolina Democratic primary ballot.
The "Colbert Nation," the name of Colbert's expansive and apparently active fan club, aren't taking too kindly to the fact that South Carolina's Democratic party executive council voted 13-3 to keep Colbert off the ballot. A posting on the ColbertNation.com website reads as follows:

In another 100,000 years or so, everybody will belong to The Beautiful People. Well, except for those who belong to The Ugly People.
As reported in the London Daily Mail (why do the British journalists get all the cool stories?) Dr. Oliver Curry, an "evolution expert" at the London School of Economics, is convinced the human species is destined to evolve into two genetically distinct species - a tall, beautiful, brainy upper class and a "dim-witted, ugly, squat, goblin-like" underclass.
But before that happens, Curry theorizes, a golden age of physical perfection will arrive about a thousand years from now. People will be about 7 feet tall, and thanks to better nutrition and advances in medical care they'll live to 120.
"Men will have symmetrical facial features with squarer jaws, look athletic and have deeper voices and bigger penises," the Daily Mail writes. "Women's skin will be lighter with large clear eyes, pert breasts, and glossy hair. Interbreeding will produce a uniform race of coffee-colored people."
So by 3000 AD all the women will look like Beyoncé Knowles? We could do a lot worse.
Alas, the golden age will not last long, Curry predicts. The natural tendency of beautiful, smart, rich people to breed with other beautiful, smart, rich people will cause human evolution to diverge along widely different paths until ultimately we become two species instead of one.
"The report suggests that the future of man will be a story of the good, the bad and the ugly," Curry said.
All of which leaves Upfront wondering which species a guy like Dick Cheney would fit into.

As if we didn’t know.First there was Mark Foley and the Congressional pages. Then there was evangelist Ted Haggard, with his massage-and-meth parties. Then there was Larry Craig, with his toe-tapping and his wide stance.

It was just a matter of time before word got out about our llama problem. No, not that problem.

The one where Central Oregon llamas go crazy and attack humans. Aaaargh!