Dear North Carolina

Dear entire state of North Carolina: Please forward the following message to your customer service department… because I have a bone to pick with you! In the past, I’ve excluded you from my vicious rants about hillbillies, largely because—even though you’re squarely in the South—Clay Aiken was born there. However, there aren’t enough Clay Aikens in the world to make me forgive your recent vote in favor of Amendment One, which puts a state-wide ban on same-sex marriage, partnerships, and civil unions.

This was dumb. Why? Because first of all, you were already banning those things. So going out of your way to make an actual law is just rude. Secondly, your state still allows people to marry their first cousins. I know, I know… if you were to ban those marriages, half the state would be forced to marry their sister or something. Thirdly, this decision doesn’t do a whole lot for your reputation. In the past, we thought of you like characters from The Andy Griffith Show: Quaint, polite small-town folk with strong moral values who, in general, minded their own goddamn business. Now, thanks to your recent (and redundant) vote, this is how the majority of America sees you:

(Ahem.) “MAW!! Git me mah squirrel rifle and that thar jug-a-moonshine! Them gol-dang Hollywood Jew queers are a-gonna force me to jump the broom [translation: enter into wedlock] with other men-folk! And I ain’t never gonna have no kinda sexual coitus intercourse with no other man!! Unless of course under the following extenuatin’ circumstances: 1) He’s mah cousin, 2) He’s a fat salesman on a canoein’ trip who’s got a purty mouth and squeals like a pig, and c) Ah’m HORRRR-NAY! Yeeee-haw!! Pew! Pew! Pew! [Translation: Shooting rifle in the air.] And while I might shove mah goober into his bottom-hole, I shore ain’t gon’ marry him! ‘Cuz marriage is only ‘tween one man and one woman—preferably a first cousin or niece.”

And fourthly, North Carolina, if you’re so keen on taking things away from people, then maybe we should take a few things away from you: such as your fast food restaurants. (Like same-sex marriage, that stuff’s bad for you!) Or take away the churches that steal your money, and encourage you and your fellow hillbillies to naively accept a book of fairy tales as the gospel truth. Or… oh, the hell with it! Let’s just take away your TV. Which is a shame, because you’re gonna miss all the great season finales this week! Such as…

30 Rock (NBC, Thurs May 17, 8:30 pm). Liz is torn when she’s asked to officiate Jack and Avery’s vow renewal. ACKK! So much worse than same-sex marriage!

The Simpsons (FOX, Sun May 20, 8 pm). Special guest star Lady Gaga helps Lisa be proud that she was “Born This Way.” (Not gay… yellow. And with four fingers.)

Modern Family (ABC, Wed May 23, 9 pm). While trying to adopt a baby from North Carolina, Mitch and Cam are horrified to discover the infant is inbred. (But look on the bright side—there’s only a 10 percent chance it’ll turn out gay!)

Yeehaww! I’m a-goin’ Twitter huntin’! Pew! Pew! @WmSteveHumphrey

This article appears in May 17-23, 2012.