I Luv TV

Every day someone tells me, “Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me? You got it EEEEEEEASY. All you do is sit around on your spectacular honey-baked ham and watch TV! I call that: EEEEEEEASY.” Well, it’s not so EEEEEEEASY! I thought this TV criticizing gig would be the EEEEEEEASiest job in the world—until I discovered there’s a considerable amount […]

Seriously. Guys. Seriously. Just stop. Stop it, stop what you’re doing… just… STOP. I realize you think you’re doing the correct thing—but in reality? You’re doing the opposite of the correct thing, which is the wrong thing. And as it turns out, you’re doing a LOT of these wrong things. Like what for example? Here […]

[Hey Readers! I’m going on vacation this week—and all I’m taking is my computer and the best dirty cop show of all time, The Shield! Currently you can stream seasons one and two (with the rest of the series to follow) for free at crackle.com—and to remind you of how awesome this show was, here’s […]

Jean-Paul Sartre famously once wrote, “Hell is other people.” I famously disagree, Jean-Paul Sartre! Rather, I think hell is CERTAIN people. For example: People who quote Jean-Paul Sartre in their opening sentences. People who don’t flush their poop in public restrooms. (Seriously, what is up with that?) People who defend Chris Brown on Twitter. People […]

Do you like to smoke marijuana? I DON’T! Now don’t get me wrong… I’m totally fine with YOU smoking marijuana—as long as you don’t speak to me directly, operate circular saws, or try to give me directions—but marijuana affects me in various unfortunate ways. For example, after smoking dope I may temporarily lose my hearing. […]

So last week a news story broke that almost eclipsed the announcement of a crappy new pope: TV creator Rob Thomas raised over $2 million in two days on the website Kickstarter to fund his modern-day Veronica Mars movie. (Okay, fine… that’s more exciting news than getting a new pope.) HOWEVER! Even though I ADORE […]

You’ve heard of the “cold war,” right? Well, I’m currently having a “hot war”—inside my PANTS. Now, I’ll admit I’ve said some disparaging things about Communists in the past… for example, here’s what I wrote back in 2009 about how we should probably panic because Commies could be the first humans to bone in space: […]

Fact: I’m kind of particular about the way I want to be serial murdered. Sorry, but I’m just not the type to be serial murdered by any random Charlie Manson coming down the pike. That’s why—when I’m searching for just the right serial murderer—the first place I look is on my TV. Now, obviously there’s […]