I Luv TV

I have a deeply rooted psychological problem, and… wait. What do you mean, “No shit, Sherlock”? For all you know, YOU'RE the one with a deeply rooted psychological problem, and I'M the one who's AWESOME… and NORMAL! Now I'll happily admit that my feelings toward the Super Bowl (CBS, Sun Feb 7, 3 pm) run counter to that of most of the nation. Half of you, for example, love the spectacle of steroid-addled meatloafs giving each other concussions and chasing a ball around a field for the opportunity to score a touchdown and feel up each others' asses on the sideline. (Actually, that doesn't sound half bad… but don't interrupt me! I'm on a roll!) The other half don't give two poops about football, and are instead fans of zany and wildly expensive Super Bowl commercials (that are almost as homoerotic as the real life sideline ass grabs – I'm looking at YOU, Snickers!). And because I hate both of those things, I'M THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY CRAZY ONE??

Ahem!! Three things of note before I express an opinion that will surely get me lynched. Note #1: The sixth and final season of Lost kicks off this week, y'all (ABC, Tues Feb 2, 9 pm)! In this very special episode we'll discover the downsides of detonating a hydrogen bomb. (Special guests: The kids from Glee! Sigh. I wish.)
Note #2: Right now there's a special Syfy contest (with prizes!) that's not called, “Name Our Next Terrible Made-for-TV Movie” even though it should be. The channel that brought you Mansquito and Sharks in Venice needs a title for their next flick about a knight who comes in possession of a holy relic that unleashes a murderous demon. My suggestion? Pat Robertson Is a DICK. I don't think it's going to win. Submit yours at syfy.com/moviecontest before February 14!

Here are the top five superhero dicks in ascending order of dickishness: #5) Batman—Total… dick. First, he calls himself the “world’s greatest detective.” Umm… Encyclopedia Brown is the world’s greatest detective, dick! Batman may be the world’s greatest “brooder,” though. Look, I’m sorry his parents died and all, but a) I’m pretty sure that doesn’t […]