I Luv TV

Oh, is that how it's gonna be, television? You're gonna make me choose? After years of dedicated viewership, you're going to treat me like I'm Tiger Woods and force me to settle on a single mistress/skank? Well, EFF YOU, my friend. I didn't make the ludicrous decision to program THREE AMAZING SHOWS to air at the same time this week. That would be like eating three of my favorite meals in the world – a Canadian bacon Totino's pizza, a hamdogger (three hot dogs crammed inside a hamburger), and a quart of vodka – in one sitting. It's ridiculous. And now I'm starving. And thirsty.

Okay, I hope you have some throat lozenges on hand, because I'm about to give you two very good reasons to squeal. Are you ready?
SQUEAL #1: Guys! Glee is returning this week! SQUEAAAAAAAALLLLL!!! That's correct, Glee – the show that's gayer than Gaylord McGayerson's rendition of “YMCA” at the annual Gay Town Gay Day Talent Show – is back in all its gloriously gay glory (Fox, Tues April 13, 9:28 pm). In fact, I'd wager this show has done more for gay acceptance in America than Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and Ellen combined! Why?

Okay, has anyone ever actually “beat a dead horse”? You hear that phrase a lot (especially in this column), but have you ever seen or heard of anyone
actually going through with it? I'm really wracking my brain here, trying to think of any conceivable occasion where one might be inclined to physically assault a dead horse. Okay… how about this: Let's say the horse was the mastermind behind a huge Ponzi scheme that robbed me and my family of millions. But before I could have the horse arrested, he overdoses on a big pile of snort he was enjoying with some high-priced call girls and drops dead on the spot. I rush into the room to find him dead, and seeing that my opportunity for revenge has been dashed, perhaps I would be tempted to beat the horse – you know, out of sheer frustration.

Guys, I should TOTALLY be a judge on one of those daytime courtroom shows! You know, like Judge Judy, or Judge Joe Brown, or Judge Judgey McJudgerson? I'd be all sassy (and possibly black) and smackin' down the witnesses with snappy quips such as, “Hey! Don't pee in my mouth and tell me it's raining pee!” Or “Don't slice off my head with an ax and tell me it's a pencil sharpener!” Or “Shut your G-D baloney-hole or I'll kick the tongue out of your yap.” (Okay… that one needs work.)
But instead of settling arguments in the old-timey, boring, legal way, my courtroom would have a super-cool twist – such as Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Kangaroo Court! Basically it would be like other courtroom shows, except at the end, the loser would be kicked in the face by a kangaroo. Another amazingly awesome idea would be Judge Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Famous Court Cases Reenacted by Chimps. Is that title too vague? Basically I reenact famous court cases – with chimps. Like the Scopes Monkey Trial? Admit it… I'M BRILLIANT.

I Love Television™ reader Amy Ann writes: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Sandra Bullock rocks!! she does not have a mustache. And she should win best actress award. She has acomplished more in her life then u have. All u do is write stupid columns in a free paper. Get over yourself.”
In a similar vein, I Love Television™ reader Lauren writes: “I really wish people would think before they spoke. So what you don't like Sandra. You make it seems like she took the roll in The Blind Side just to spite black people. You must be very lonely to have that much [hate] for a person.”

Now hold on just a second there, Mr. Tom Brokaw (noted former anchorman and author of the best-selling book The Greatest Generation)! If you ask me, I think it's bullpoopy of you to single-handedly decide that the people who fought in World War II are going to be forever known as “the greatest generation.” I mean, C'MON. My generation is pretty awesome, too! After all, we're the generation that invented Internet porn. And the Transformers. And decent marijuana. In case you didn't know, the so-called “greatest generation's” dope SUCKED. (Don't believe me? Ask my grandpa and his cataracts!)

I'm boycotting the Oscars, guys!
I know, I know: “Whatever will the Oscars do if Humpy doesn't watch them this year? They'll be ruined!” Nevertheless, I feel like someone needs to make a stand against the Sandra Bullocks of the world. As you may have heard, Sandra Bullock has been nominated for a Best Actress Award for her role in The Blind Side, in which she plays a rich honky who adopts a black kid who eventually turns out to be a successful football player. Rich honkies, whatever would black people do without you?? THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!

Take it from somebody who's been married THREE times (as far as I know): The institution is OVERRATED. Let's take Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First, for example. Lovely woman – if you exclude the blackout rampages. I thought we were staying together for the sex, until I learned that almost every sexual experience was later classified as a blackout rampage. (Hey, but don't knock it until you've tried it!)
Then there was Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the Second. Again, perfectly charming, salt-of-the-earth kind of gal… when she wasn't huffing silver spray paint. However, on the upside, she was very creative while under the influence, and would create psychedelic yet extremely detailed paintings of the times she would have sex with hobos behind a dumpster. (Last Christmas, I purchased one for Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey the First.)

What is “funny”? I think we can all agree that “funny” is subjective, in that what may be “unfunny” to one person can be shit-pantsing hilarious to another. My good friend Dave claims the funniest thing in the world is a dog running down the street with a ham in its mouth. I concur this would be hilarious… if it wasn't MY goddamn honey-glazed ham procured from the mall less than an hour ago! (Second funniest thing in the world to Dave: Me chasing a dog with a ham in its mouth down the street. BTW, neither is funny.)
Some think that trying to explain “funny” automatically makes any “funny” thing “unfunny.” Categorically, this is horseshit. Like anything else in the universe, “funny” can be explained mathematically. In this case, with the following equation: person or animal + personality flaw + accidental happenstance – life-threatening injury = HILARITY.

Dear “snow”: YOU BLOW! (Heh.) What's up with “snow” anyway? You certainly never hear about rain turning into boiling water during the summertime! Am I right, people? AM I RIGHT? Anyway, like it or not, snow is like genital herpes – we're stuck with it! And this realization is exactly what inspired the ancient Greeks to invent the Winter Olympics (starting Fri Feb 12, 7:30 pm, NBC). What do you mean I'm stupid and don't know what I'm talking about?? Looks like someone needs another episode of Humpy's “A Brief History of Historical Histories™” series – this time about the Winter Olympics!