I’m boycotting the Oscars, guys!
I know, I know: “Whatever will the Oscars do if Humpy doesn’t watch them this year? They’ll be ruined!” Nevertheless, I feel like someone needs to make a stand against the Sandra Bullocks of the world. As you may have heard, Sandra Bullock has been nominated for a Best Actress Award for her role in The Blind Side, in which she plays a rich honky who adopts a black kid who eventually turns out to be a successful football player. Rich honkies, whatever would black people do without you?? THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!
Now I’m sorry, but I just cannot believe in or support any award system that would consider giving anything to Sandra Bullock – unless we’re talking about a case of the clap. “Jesus Christ… okay. Fine. Humpy, why don’t you tell us why you have such a problem with Sandra Bullock.” Thank you, I will do just that!
First of all, Sandra Bullock has a mustache. (Ouch. Maybe I shouldn’t have led off with that… but it’s true.) Speed is one of my favorite movies, and yet? I totally get grossed out watching Keanu Reeves french that big booshy mustache! IT’S GROSS, GUYS. Secondly, Sandra Bullock has made no fewer than THREE guest appearances on the George Lopez show – in this century!! (Though I could easily rest my case right here, I shall continue.) Thirdly, she is in seven out of 10 of all romantic comedies Hollywood produces – which means if I want to score some ‘tang, I have to sit through at least seven of her steaming piles of romcom crap a year! GOD!! (And then, when I’m having sex, all I can think about is her booshy mustache!) BLECCH!! GROSS!!
So yeah, I don’t like Sandra Bullock. And if the Oscars think giving her a nomination is more important than me sitting on the couch in stained Underoos eating a bowl of M&Ms and Cheetos while watching their ceremonies – well, then… okay! I’ll just watch something else this week that is so much more awesome! Such as!
* Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat March 6, 11:30 pm). You know who’s hosting this week? Zach Mothereffing Galifianakis (only one of my favorite comedians in the world)! I love him in The Hangover, I love him in the web series Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, and I love that his beard and mustache aren’t as pronounced as Sandra Bullock’s.
* High Society (CW, Wed March 10, 9:30 pm). Yay! Another reality show about rich white honkies. Except instead of adopting black kids and turning them into football players, these wealthy whities spend all their time squirting booze in their mouths and coke up their snoots. (Which pursuit is more admirable? You be the judge.)
* Miss Turkey Trot and Miss Drumsticks Pageants (TLC, Tues March 9, 10 pm). A behind-the-scenes look at the actual Miss Turkey Trot and Miss Drumsticks Pageants held annually in Yellville, Arkansas. Expect small-town rivalries, hilarious hillbilly-isms, and the best-looking women Yellville has to offer. I’d say it wasn’t anything like Sandra Bullock’s Miss Congeniality, but there are probably mustaches in this one, too.
Home of the booshy mustache. steve@portlandmercury.com
This article appears in Mar 4-10, 2010.
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Really? Are you really acting like a child over this. You are mislead about Bullock. It seems to me that since you took the time to write a essay on why you dislike her, there really is deeper psychological issues you need to resolve, is it revolved around jealously or maybe a hidden lust for her. I would check up on that. Mustache? I think not. She is beautiful, look in the mirror and see yourself before you judge. She deserves to win a oscar for her performance. She did great! Just because you dislike her films, doesn’t mean you should hate the person. So instead of being a egotistical immature poor excuse of a man. Stop and think, what do you do? Have you ever been nominated? Then tell yourself, “I need to act mature.” You are looking like a fool. I feel sorry for people like you. Congrats Sandra! Hope you WIN! Have a good day 🙂
Dude, don’t hold back!
You need to learn to be more direct about your feeling!
There are “stars” that I feel the same way about (with or without the mustache).
Is this really a paid writer for The Source? If so, they need to do some advertising to get some new writers because that was just whack!!!
Don’t know about mustache, but she is ugly and just can’t act. I’m with you!
Dude. You need to grow up. Sandra is fantastic. I’m so glad garbage like yours comes out AFTER Academy voting is over. Whether she wins or loses,this hatred spewing cannot influence the outcome now. HaHa. Too bad for you that “The Blindside” is a TRUE story. I’m not sure if you know the true meaning of love and generosity. I hope Sandra finishes out her fantastic year with an Oscar.
It must have been take your kids to work day again because this couldn’t have been writen by an adult!!
Maybe, she should do some waxing and a boob job so that she would be just another actress. Sandra, is the only true girl next door in the movie business. She is not plastic. As for you calling people honkies. What makes you better than the ignorant people that use the “N” word? If white’s say the “N” word they’re predjudice. You say, “Honkie” and your oppressed. You are one of the reason’s there is HATE today. Read your BIBLE, there is still time for you.
If you describe yourself as sitting on the couch in “stained underoos eating a bowl of M&Ms and Cheetos”, you hardly believable as a just of personal appearance, character, motivation, or civility. I suggest you buy clean underwear with your next welfare check and look for a job and a shrink.
Does anyone of these Bullock supporters realize that this is a weekly column that ALWAYS features this tone and the author is not at all serious? It’s a humor column for crying out loud. Get a sense of humor…or go watch “The Proposal” again, either way is fine.
To “We’re Very Serious.” This is a humor column? Oh, my sides ache. I’m bent over double from laughing. My sense of humor is fully intact. This column is garbage.
I suppose what has happened to you occurred only after your momma kept telling you how stupid you were for 15 years! You are an outright idiot for certain.
Hump, you are just an idiot. Plain and simple. As for the “not at all serious” remark, I guess saying “honky” doesn’t have any underlining meanings then does it? I didn’t think so.
Sandra is gross…..she is getting like Raul Julia and Rip Torn a little of her goes a long ways. I liked her in Crash….toned her down a bit with a small role. Jesse James is the only scumbag that could tolerate her. He is probably deaf that’s how he does it. She has no personality.