I Luv TV

Hey!! Why do only women spies get to be called “la femmes” (as in La Femme Nikita)? THAT'S DISCRIMINATION, YO. And yes, I'm aware that “la femme” is French for “hot chick” – making it linguistically impossible for a man to hold this title. HOWEVER! Not only would I be a fairly awesome spy, I think I've got what it takes to also make it as a bonafide “la femme.” BEHOLD THE FOLLOWING FACTS!

[Hey Guys! I'm on vacation this week, so enjoy this old-timey episode of I Love Television™ designed to make you – and myself – feel old. Mission accomplished! – Humpy]
Ever get the feeling the years are flying by? Well, get ready for a coronary, grandpa, because MTV's The Real World is finishing its 16th season [As of next week, it's finishing it's 24th season! ACK! – Humpy]. Did'ja hear that, you old bag of undigested Metamucil? SIXTEEN YEARS! That means you are now officially OLD! In fact, you're SO old, this is how old you are…

[Dudes! I'm on vacation! So enjoy this only moderately moldy I Love Television™ repeat column, with adorable old-timey pop culture references left intact! – Humpy]”THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping, liposuction-ing season of the Fox hit series 24! DO… NOT… MISS… IT!!” Okay, how did I do? See, I'm really sick of scribbling TV columns, so I'm applying for a promo writing job at Fox. Why? Because I'm AWWWWWWESOMMMME! And I've learned you can sell anything to anybody if you just scream and use a lot of capital letters and EXTEEEEEEEEND ALLLLLL YOURRRRR WORRRRRRDS!!!

Guys! I gotta admit this whole “race of supermen” thing creeps me out. First of all, why do we even need a race of supermen? They're just going to eventually enslave us, right? Um, that's why we're building robots and teaching apes sign language – having supermen, too, would just be REDUNDANT! Now, if the idea is to use this race of supermen to combat these megalomaniac robots and apes riding around on horseback throwing nets on top of us – well, I'm open to discussion. But only if the race of supermen doesn't turn right around and enslave us right back!
Frankly, I'm not too sure how we're gonna get around this whole enslavement thing. It sounds like it's gonna happen regardless of what we do. So we should probably create a race of people whom we wouldn't mind being enslaved by, right? For example, super-hot amazon chicks. (Let's make sure they don't get the “nag” gene.) I also wouldn't mind being enslaved by the Hostess cake company. C'MON! Their Ho Hos and Ding Dongs are delicious! And if push came to shove, I wouldn't kick too hard about being enslaved by Taylor Lautner (the werewolf from Twilight). He seems super nice, and have you seen those abs? JESUS CHRIST! Pull up his shirt and I'll happily clean porta-potties at Diarrheaville's annual Prune Day Festival.

For many people, this week is a lot like Christmas – unless you're Jewish, in which case it's a lot like that unpronounceable holiday you people celebrate. It's national “Shark Week” on the Discovery Channel (starting August 1) – a whopping seven days of documentaries devoted to sharks and the chunks they take out of your ass.
Now, me? I say sharks are OVERRATED. I mean, c'mon! What do sharks actually do other than amputate ass cheeks? NOT MUCH. Plus! The Discovery Channel has been hosting “Shark Week” since 1987 – the same year my mom first discovered a pube in my diaper. Isn't it time to let some other animal have a chance? Like, how about “Monkeys on Roller Skates Week”? They're adorable and hilarious, and if you stick a banana between your cheeks, I bet they'd happily bite your ass off. Or “Crocodiles on Meth Week.” You squirt some meth up in a croc's grill and laugh and laugh and laugh while they furiously clean your kitchen and reorganize your spice rack.

GUYS! I must confess I'm purrrrr-ty disappointed in the creators of Mad Men right now. Not that I dislike the show… in fact, the boner alert in my pants reached orange (the most boner-ific color) after learning the season premiere of Mad Men debuts this week (AMC, Sun July 25, 10 pm). In fact, my boner is so inflated, I have to wear cargo shorts for the morbidly obese just so I can go outside! (Unfortunately, that still doesn't stop my boner from accidentally smashing shop windows whenever I happen to turn around.)
So why am I so disappointed in Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner? Because for reasons too mind-boggling to comprehend, Weiner has REJECTED my script for a season four episode! I KNOW, RIGHT?

As a father of at least a couple dozen out-of-wedlock kids, I believe I can speak with some authority on the subject of child rearing. Tip #1: Don't call it “child rearing.” It's disgusting. Tip #2: Children are much like amoebas in the brain department, and therefore only require two things: the right to (a) stay up all night and (b) eat as much candy as possible. Offer them a Zagnut bar or an hour less of sleep, and you can get them to wash your car for a year. Tip #3: Kids will believe everything you tell them. For example, my mother told me that when I was a baby, she implanted a microphone in my brain, which would let her know what I was thinking every minute of the day. This totally psyched me out, and even though I was pretty sure “brain microphones” were a scientific impossibility, it worked like a charm. My efforts at mischief became clumsy and insecure. For example, when I'd try to steal candy from the cupboard, I'd invariably make enough noise to alert my mom, who would hop out from around the corner yelling, “AH-HAH! Your brain microphone told me you'd be doing that!!”

For reasons unknown, I'm often accused of using this television column to talk about anything except television. First of all, the name of this column is “I Love Television™” not “I Write About Television™” (although that's an awesome name for a television column, isn't it?). Secondly, there are other things in this world besides television, guys! Say for example, the Twilight series. Have you seen Eclipse yet? Aren't Jacob's abs AH-MAY-ZING? Isn't Edward a pasty-face fop? And isn't Bella the stupidest person in the world? Seriously, she spends the entire movie whining, “Edward! Change me into a vampire! Change me into a vampire!” Why should he? So she can nag the shit out of him for the rest of eternity? Bella would be, like, the worst vampire in the history of vampires – and yes, I'm including Count Chocula! At least he likes chocolate! Bella is stupid, doesn't like chocolate, and the only thing she sucks is a person's will to live.

AMERICA! The country in which I receive a paycheck! AMERICA! The country in which I can say whatever I want about my employer without fear of termination (unless I'm General Stanley A. McChrystal). AMERICA! The country where certain newspapers stupidly refuse to pack their Fourth of July issues with an insane amount of patriotic content. (You guys can't fire me, right? After all, this is AMERICA!!)
So the other day, I asked this paper's big boss, “Yo, pops! What sort of amazing patriotic content are you planning on packing into this issue? IT'S GONNA BE INSANE, RIGHT?” Well as it turns out, the amount of patriotic content is not INSANE at all! In fact, it's decidedly UN-insane!