Dear Bend,
Hello, we are the ducks of your town. We understand there is a fresh call for our genocide and we’d like to address that.
First of all, though, we do have to agree with one point made by our would-be executioners. PLEASE DO NOT FEED US BREAD.
Now, there are others of you humans that would feed us poison, or would pour oil on our eggs, or would just shoot us all and not even so much as give our carcasses to the poor for Christmas dinner. And why? Because we aren’t toilet trained and we poo on the grass and sidewalks. But so what? Are you humans such a wittle itty bitty pookie wookie bunch of cwy baby wabbies that you can’t handle occasionally scraping our poo off your shoe? It barely even sticks. And it’s made of grass and water and bugs! Not like your toxic, hormone-and-high-fructose-corn-syrup-riddled human poo!What are these heavenly, problem-free lives you humans lead that to step on a little duck poo brings about a duck genocide? And where do you get off getting all hopped up over a football team named after us, and then turning around and having a duck massacre? You treat us like a plague of locusts on the one hand, but then when you need a picture to stick on your brochures advertising the beautiful city of Bend, you’re more than happy to feature us scooting around in the river. You’re more than happy to have tourists patronizing your town and taking our picture, to have a big charity race every year featuring rubber facsimiles of us, and you’re more than happy to stand on the bridge and watch us and think, ‘Ahhhhh what a wonderful world’. But you’re also more than happy to slaughter us because there’s poo on your shoe?
Maybe you can wipe us out. Then you can wield your misguided anger against the deer, and then maybe the squirrels, and then the quails, and then the doves, and then maybe at some point you can have yourselves a wildlife-free town. Won’t that be nice for you outdoorsy descendents of pioneers and timber folk?
Or maybe you can leave us alone. It’s not like the park is the domain of a million-duck thronging horde of unstoppable duck evil. And if you do have to thin us out in case of an actual reason of health or human safety, at least find a way you can feed the poor with our carcasses.
Sincerely,
The Ducks (actual)
This article appears in Dec 17-23, 2009.
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Up until recently I thought the whole furor about poo in the park and the vote to exterminate the poo-ers was just a hoax. Surely not even the exterminators of the passenger pigeon, the wolf and the buffalo had learned their lesson! Surely in the country where the Limbaugh Sloth, Coulter’s Lynx, The O’Reilly Stoat, Hannity’s Hog and Beck’s Blustering Badger roam free and poop exuberantly we could leave a few ducks (or even geese) alone … now I’m not so sure any more.
Is there someone out there who knows the facts of this “idea” and to whom I should write on the City Council to rip them an new poop-chute.
Hey you ducks! In case you forgot, this is our city and our park! If you don’t like it, go find yourself a new pond. Otherwise your here on our terms.
i consider myself a lifelong conservationist. dont know how to put this besides i agree that this flock needs to be culled, just like the pigeons in venice. the entire grassy areas of the park have been ruined for any pleasure by these geese. i also dont see people feeding the geese, i dont think ever- just ducks.
oil on the eggs or killing them (only if they go to provide food) is fine by me. i eat chicken and not just free range. these flocks will just grow and grow and grow until something is done. i point again to the pigeon populations in europe who are just ruining the architecture with poop. sorry.
Everyone knows you cannot eat eggs after they have been oiled, just too fowl!
The Geese seemed to not be the least bit distracted by poo on the grass, in fact they believe they are doing a service to bend, by mowing and fertilizing for free! Think of all the money Bend Parks and Rec must save! To think that some humans quibble about this free service! My guess is the ACU (American Caddy Union)is behind this!
I know about the geese in the park,but that is just part of nature.On the flip side,I almost didn’t buy my house because –
what the heck are those green things in the road? Greg