Uncle Charlie, the Internet

I treat the internet as if it were a person. Because if it actually were a person, the internet would be my Uncle Charlie who has been medically diagnosed as an “idiot,” but unfortunately controls much of the Humphrey fortune—so I pretend to be nice to him. Let’s continue the analogy: Uncle Charlie the internet is made up of billions of people (like cells in the human body) except each “cell” is fundamentally fawked in the head. That’s why Uncle Charlie the internet is a monstrosity that does and says terrible things—when it’s not obsessing over cute otter videos. Uncle Charlie should not exist, and if I could, I would murder it… but? I have an inheritance to consider.

Anyway, for the past couple weeks, stupid Uncle Charlie has been poop-talking one of my new favorite shows, HBO’s Girls (Sundays, 10:30 pm). Created by filmmaker/actress Lena Dunham, Girls is about four young women trying to make it in NYC—and before you utter another syllable, it is the ANTITHESIS of Sex and the City. While Sex was purportedly about the bonds of sisterhood, it was about as realistic as Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose.

On the other hand, Girls has the balls (sorry) to portray the lives of mid-20-somethings in a much more realistic manner. Lena Dunham’s character Hannah is brilliant, yet self-obsessed, petty, and most of all, hilariously LAZY. Her best friend Marnie (played by NBC’s Brian Williams’ daughter Allison) is driven to success, but is also an uptight, controlling FREAK. Along for the ride are thoughtless globe-trotting chain-smoker Jemima (Jessa Johansson) and wildly insecure virgin Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Thoroughly unlikable people, yes? And yet? I LOVE THEM ALL.

I’m naturally suspicious of shows that bend over backward to make their characters likable (Oh, hello any CBS comedy from the last 30 years). It’s far better—in my book—to be relatable, and that’s where Girls excels. It’s perfectly normal to be an awful, narcissistic, thoughtless little b-hole when you’re 24 years old. I sure as hell was. (And sure as hell still am.)

And yet? Uncle Charlie the internet apparently hates Girls, and has brought the show up on a number of criminal charges including being anti-feminist (because it’s a 30 minute comedy’s job to accomplish what Gloria Steinem did in a lifetime), pretending to be the “voice of its generation” (its four main characters may be pee-holes, but only an actual pee-hole would think the show is singling them out), and nepotism (I don’t care if these actresses are the children of famous people… does Brian Williams care if his daughter is a TV pee-hole?).

Uncle Charlie the Internet? Shut your idiot mouth. If you’re really concerned about feminism, the voice of your generation, and nepotism, then donate money to Planned Parenthood, write a Catcher in the Rye sequel (called Catcher in the Rye? I Don’t Even Her in the Rye!), and don’t vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. Stop picking on the hilarious, smartly-written stuff, and turn your attention to Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

All that being said, I’d still like my inheritance, and will happily massage your bunions.

Follow me via Twitter (it’s on Uncle Charlie). @WmSteveHumphrey

This article appears in May 10-16, 2012.