Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Do you like to smoke marijuana? I DON’T! Now don’t get me wrong… I’m totally fine with YOU smoking marijuana—as long as you don’t speak to me directly, operate circular saws, or try to give me directions—but marijuana affects me in various unfortunate ways. For example, after smoking dope I may temporarily lose my hearing. […]

So last week a news story broke that almost eclipsed the announcement of a crappy new pope: TV creator Rob Thomas raised over $2 million in two days on the website Kickstarter to fund his modern-day Veronica Mars movie. (Okay, fine… that’s more exciting news than getting a new pope.) HOWEVER! Even though I ADORE […]

You’ve heard of the “cold war,” right? Well, I’m currently having a “hot war”—inside my PANTS. Now, I’ll admit I’ve said some disparaging things about Communists in the past… for example, here’s what I wrote back in 2009 about how we should probably panic because Commies could be the first humans to bone in space: […]

Fact: I’m kind of particular about the way I want to be serial murdered. Sorry, but I’m just not the type to be serial murdered by any random Charlie Manson coming down the pike. That’s why—when I’m searching for just the right serial murderer—the first place I look is on my TV. Now, obviously there’s […]

A somewhat recent survey performed by the Parents Television Council claims that, between 2011 and 2012, “full frontal nudity” on TV jumped 6,300 percent.” WHAT. First of all, what television are they watching, because I want to watch that television. Secondly, are they sure they’re watching actual “television” and not “porn on their laptop”? Thirdly, […]

Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I’ll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay I guess—but they certainly can’t compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, […]

Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I’ll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay I guess—but they certainly can’t compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, […]

Let’s talk about my brain for a minute. You know… how advanced it is. To help you understand the advance-iness of my brain, let’s use the most fanciest, most expensive crystal goblet in the world as a metaphor. Would you fill the most fanciest, most expensive goblet in the world with a daiquiri made out […]

As you already know, I have a complicated relationship with Justin Bieber. About the time his mega summer jam “Baby” hit the airwaves back in 2010, I became Justin Bieber’s #1 grownup fan. (I was also in hot contention to become his #1 creepiest fan—but got beat out by some pee-hole who was later arrested […]