Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Let’s not mince words: I deeeeeeeespise the Super Bowl. And I’m not too crazy about regular football, either. But the Super Bowl represents America at its most boring and grotesque—and even worse? For an entire week it completely overshadows and interrupts a lot of great TV, which—HELLOOOOOO SPORTS FANS! IT’S ME, THE SUPER BOWL! DON’T […]

I’ve recently come to the unpleasant realization I might kind of just possibly maybe kinda sorta be a psychopath. I arrived at this determination in two ways: 1) I re-read a year’s worth of my TV columns, and 2) Wikipedia told me so. According to the definition on the “psychopathy” page, “Psychopathy is a personality […]

I’ve got good news; I’ve got bad news. First, the bad news: The networks have staunchly refused to give my reality show, High-Diving Donkeys a green light. Their rejection letter said something about how a show involving 12 donkeys living together in one house while competing against each other in high-diving competitions “isn’t commercially viable.” […]

[In lieu of an informative column, here is a truncated list of things I said in 2012, provided entirely out of context. (As if that would help.)—Humpy] “I do not outwardly dislike old people. This is because when I do outwardly dislike them, they tend to shake their walkers at me, accuse me of being ‘ageist,’ and […]

[Guys! I’m on vacation this week, so please enjoy this antique edition of I Love Television™ in which I attempt, and fail, to say something of value. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!—Humpy] (1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I’m talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (available on DVD and permanently seared […]

For the 10,000th time in a row, Barbara Walters has revealed most of the winners on her “10 Most Fascinating People of the Year” list (watch her ABC special, Wed, Dec. 12 at 9:30 p.m.), and SURPRISE! Once again, I am not anywhere near it. In fact, I am so far away from her top […]

Here’s an idea: How about we rename Thanksgiving? Maybe something like, “Passive-Aggressive Relative Day.” THINK ABOUT IT. When a relative asks you at Thanksgiving to name something you’re thankful for, it’s unacceptable to tell the truth and say, “A sweet taste of BOO-TAAAAAY, BAY-BAY! BOOM-BOOM, SHACKALACKA, BOOM-BOOM

I’m no stranger to cruelty. I firmly believe in the adage, “humor trumps cruelty,” and if it’s a choice between making someone cry or delivering an insanely hilarious joke—well, that’s why they invented Puff’s lubricated tissues. Example! When I was younger, I was fond of terrifying people. Not just scaring them—but actually pushing them to […]

Here are the top five superhero dicks in ascending order of dickishness: #5) Batman—Total… dick. First, he calls himself the “world’s greatest detective.” Umm… Encyclopedia Brown is the world’s greatest detective, dick! Batman may be the world’s greatest “brooder,” though. Look, I’m sorry his parents died and all, but a) I’m pretty sure that doesn’t […]