Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Let’s talk… TECHNOLOGY. Now, while I am generally in favor of technological progress, there is definitely some room for improvement. Example: And I hate to play “Monday morning quarterback” here, but… before Steve Jobs died, I kinda wish he’d spent a little less time on the iPhone, and a little more time on making a FUNCTIONING INTERNET. I’m sorry, but my internet STINKS! When I flip on a light switch, does it take anywhere from ten to 45 seconds to turn on? NO! It comes on immediately. And yet, when I hit the internet porn button on my internet, I’m forced to wait… and wait… and wait—sometimes up to a full minute for it to come on! THAT AIN’T RIGHT, AND I’M TIRED OF WHAT AIN’T RIGHT!

YAY!! Summer’s here! And that means two things: 1) There’s an anus-load of new TV shows to watch, and 2) my thong finally gets to emerge from hibernation! (Naturally, number two is far more important than number one, which is why I’ll spend the bulk of this column talking about number two.)
Oh thong, how I’ve missed you so! You must’ve been so lonely crammed in that dark, musty corner of my underpants drawer for lo, so many months. But now? You’re free at last, free at last, thank god it’s summer, because you’re free at last!

There are three great inventions of the modern era: 1) Totino Pizza Rolls. 2) Corporate sponsorship of crappy television columns [Thanks again, Totino Pizza Roll company!], and 3)… the internet! Now, I’m old enough to remember the dark days of humanity before the internet was born. For example, if I needed to publish a “fact,” I’d either make it up, or go to the library. (HA! Right. “The library.”) If I wanted porn, I’d rent it from a skeezy adult shop, and suffer through several minutes of boring exposition (usually involving pizza deliveries, suspicious job interviews, or a weekend lesbian getaways) before the banging would finally commence. And before the internet, there wasn’t a public forum for videos involving hilarious and crippling trampoline accidents.

Memorial Day! The official holiday for “remembering things,” as originally created by the Hallmark Greeting Card Company back in 1965. Now, I love Memorial Day because a) it reminds me to remember to take a day off from work, and b) it’s the only holiday designed to celebrate a function of the brain. Does the liver get a holiday? MINE CERTAINLY DOESN’T! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!
Goddammit, I need to remember to get my own comedy show.

Dear entire state of North Carolina: Please forward the following message to your customer service department… because I have a bone to pick with you! In the past, I’ve excluded you from my vicious rants about hillbillies, largely because—even though you’re squarely in the South—Clay Aiken was born there. However, there aren’t enough Clay Aikens in the world to make me forgive your recent vote in favor of Amendment One, which puts a state-wide ban on same-sex marriage, partnerships, and civil unions.

I treat the internet as if it were a person. Because if it actually were a person, the internet would be my Uncle Charlie who has been medically diagnosed as an “idiot,” but unfortunately controls much of the Humphrey fortune – so I pretend to be nice to him. Let's continue the analogy: Uncle Charlie the internet is made up of billions of people (like cells in the human body) except each “cell” is fundamentally fawked in the head. That's why Uncle Charlie the internet is a monstrosity that does and says terrible things – when it's not obsessing over cute otter videos. Uncle Charlie should not exist, and if I could, I would murder it… but? I have an inheritance to consider.

As a child, I fancied myself an amateur detective. In fact, the neighborhood kids referred to me as “Encyclopedia Humpy” for my deductive abilities, and encyclopedic knowledge of places where one could find cigarettes and porn. To this day I remain famous for solving the following mysteries: “The Case of the Crudely Drawn Penis.” “The Case of the Bully that's Actually Super Gay.” “The Case of 'Hey… What's that Monkey Doing?'” “The Case of Sylvia Masterson's Missing Hymen.” And of course, my most famous case, “The Hound of the Bastard Bills” (an absolutely cracking yarn featuring myself, bastard twins each named “Bill,” and their dog “Peanut” who loved eating other animals' vomit).

Ladies… you're lucky. Sure, you may be bashing your head on the glass ceiling at work, and getting paid pennies to a man's dollar – BUT! At least you have the Lifetime network. Billed as “Television for Women,” Lifetime features programming depicting women at their most heroic. For example, movies such as My Stepson, My Lover (ewww), Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story (AKA the Amy Fisher flick starring – SQUEEE! – Alyssa Milano), and She Woke Up Pregnant (last time she'll ever visit that dentist). As I said, you gals are lucky. Damn it, why can't men have a network that spotlights how we're victimized, while inspiring us to work up the courage to kill our spouses?

Did you know the Fox Network is turning a creaky 25-years-old this year? That's the age when most people realize they're no longer children and may very well end up lonely underemployed potheads living in their grandmother's garage. (Not you, of course.) (Yes, you.)
Anyway, Fox is celebrating it's anniversary this Sunday (April 22) starting with a rebroadcast of the 1987 premiere episode of Married… with Children at 7 pm, followed by a repeat of The Simpsons 500th episode, and THEN at 8 pm, the star-studded FOX's 25th Anniversary Special featuring classic clips from That '70s Show, In Living Color, and more! Note: Don't expect any mention of The Chevy Chase Show. (1993-1993, R.I.P.)

“Never again!” reader Thomas G. Mcree of Florida angrily writes.
Dear Wm. Steven Humphrey. Your article is one of the most offensive and vulgar articles I have ever read in a public publication that is out for anyone to pick up free. If you are on an airplane, as I have been, with a major problem, when normal people start praying for the Lord from disaster, are you still going to make fun of them? I think you will pray with the rest of the people. – Thomas G. Mcree
For those just arriving, Thomas' anger is ejaculating from my recent column entitled “Dear Jeff Foxworthy” which made merciless fun of the redneck comedian, his new bible quiz show, and… I was going to say “God,” but since he doesn't exist, it's kind of hard to make fun of him. But that certainly doesn't stop me from trying, does it?