Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

[Hey person reading this! I'm on vacation this week… so here's a classic holiday edition of I Love Television™ to stick in your stocking. And by “stocking” I mean “anus.” Happy holidays! – Humpy]
ATTENTION: There are serious problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Therefore I will elucidate on those problems (and how they can be corrected) in three… two… one… GO!

Dear television in my living room: First I'd like to apologize for the stains on your screen – both you and I know how they got there, so I don't see any reason to discuss it further, other than to say, “I'm sorry.” Secondly, I'd like to thank you for the best gift any wise-assed TV critic could hope for, American Horror Story, which you've thankfully been providing me for the past few months. Even though it was created by the same person who dreamed up and eventually ruined Glee (that would be Ryan Murphy), AHS is hands down the best new show of the season. Not only does this campy psycho-sexual creep fest feature terrific acting from all involved (especially freaky next door neighbor Jessica Lange), and at least one “OMIGOD, I've never seen that before on television” moment during every episode, it also regularly showcases Dylan McDermott's naked bottom AND is the only series I can think of that co-stars a rubber-suited gimp demon. (Not counting Two and a Half Men, of course.)

Look, I get it. I'm not the most popular guy in the world. But with the people I am popular with? I'm INSANELY popular. For example; women's prisons. They love me in women's prisons. I'm just as big with the “lazy inebriate” set. And the “people who have lost the will to live” demographic also hold me in the highest regard.
So why am I furiously envious? Because apparently my “Barbara Walters” popularity numbers have crapped the bed! GOD!! WHOSE TRUMPET DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO IMPRESS THIS OLD BIDDY??
Every year Walters releases her “Most Fascinating People” list, and every year I'M NOT ON IT. Babs will be interviewing her picks in the exhaustingly entitled Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011 this coming Wednesday, Dec 14 on ABC at 9:30 pm – but what kidnaps and decapitates my goat is that the people she chose are waaaaaaay less “fascinating” than yours truly!

“Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “Not another column about hillbillies!” OH, YES INDEEDY! But don't blame me for my obsession with drooling, toothless hill folk. It's a scientific fact there are more TV shows about hillbillies than any other topic. TV looooves the hillbilly – and why not? Other than housewives and people from New Jersey, hillbillies are the last American culture everyone can laugh at, without fear of politically correct reprisal.
“Oh, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry again. “That is CLASSIST.” Ha! I agree. It's totally classic. “NO, I said, 'CLASSIST'!” Oh… well… so what if it is?? Hillbillies revel in their individuality and being different from “them gol'durn cityfolk” – so I think they're being classist toward us!
Ohhhhh, you classist hillbillies! With your high-falutin' moonshine, and fancy hound dogs! You think you're sooooo great, don't you? “Ooooh, look at me, I'm a hillbilly! Unlike those stuffed shirts in the biiiiiiig city, I can wear filthy overalls all day long, lose all my teeth, and refuse to conform to society's rigid standards on who or what I copulate with! (And by 'who or what,' I of course mean 'cousin Lulu' and 'the farm hog.') Oooooh, ain't I so much better than you smarty-pants cityfolk?”

Let me tell you a little about the insides of my stomach. Recently I took a trip to the Southern United States – for the record, “Florida” is not in the south any more than “Cuba” is in the south – and I'm pretty sure they tried to poison me. WITH DELICIOUSNESS. “Poisoning via deliciousness” is an especially cruel and sneaky way of killing someone. Apparently word got around that I make fun of hillbillies… a lot… and while these Southern people acted very nice to my face, their sole intent was obviously to shovel delicious poison down my gullet until I collapsed under the weight of my own duodenum – with a small stream of gravy trickling from my anus.
Anyway! Luckily for you, those goddamn hillbillies didn't kill me with their never ending plates of barbeque ribs, banana pudding, red beans and rice, fried chicken, hush puppies, baked beans, potato salad, mac 'n' cheese, cornbread, fried pickles, mashed potatoes and the accompanying boats of “trickling” gravy. But it was close. On the day I left the south, my blood pressure reading was 199 over 110 – which most medical practitioners recognize as “legally dead.” What those hillbillies didn't know is that I always carry a portable enema kit/water cannon for just such an occasion. Two blasts later and BOOYAH! There's not a speck of fried chicken or pecan pie left in my colon, and I'm back to making off-color remarks about hillbillies, their kissin' cousins, and other various barnyard lovers.

When it comes to award ceremonies, there is nothing worse than the People's Choice Awards – except the Sophie's Choice Awards. (SHE MAKES THE SAME CHOICE EVERY YEAR!!!) If you ask me, you shouldn't let “the people” decide anything – present company excluded. As a general rule, “the people” are dumber than a pool of saliva, and have absolutely no business making any decisions that actually matter. And that includes deciding which TV shows and characters are “best”!
Now the reason my thong's all in a knot is because the nominations for the 2011 People's Choice Awards came out this past week – and the results are particularly ignorant and drooly! Take for example “the people's” nominations for “Favorite Network TV Drama”: There's House, there's Grey's Anatomy, there's The Good Wife, there's Supernatural, and there's The Vampire Diaries. THE VAMPIRE DIARIES??? I'd rather watch somebody dangle a powdered doughnut over the head of a diabetic fat kid. Now that's drama!

I've spoken at annoying lengths about how Aquaman is the worst superhero in the universe. [Short version? A) Talking to fish serves absolutely no purpose unless I'm able to talk them into my mouth. B) With the small exception of Somali pirates, 98.99% of all crime happens on LAND. And C) Aquaman's Boooooooooooooring!! End of short version.] HOWEVER! I rarely if ever talk about the second most worst superhero in the universe, Green Lantern – and I'm about to correct this grievous error.
While not nearly as terrible as Aquaman, Green Lantern is moderately to mostly terrible. Long version: A) He gets his powers from a ring. Why not a butterfly hairclip? B) His weakness is the color “yellow.” My weakness is the color “chartreuse” – especially when paired with white loafers and a floral scarf tied around the neck. In other words, Green Lantern can use his ring to move the moon out of its orbit, but he can't capture the Gorton's Fisherman? THAT'S BULL-POOP, MY FRIENDS!

Let's talk… TECHNOLOGY. Now, while I am generally in favor of technological progress, there is definitely some room for improvement. Example: And I hate to play “Monday morning quarterback” here, but… before Steve Jobs died, I kinda wish he'd spent a little less time on the iPhone, and a little more time on making a FUNCTIONING INTERNET. I'm sorry, but my internet STINKS! When I flip on a light switch, does it take anywhere from ten to 45 seconds to turn on? NO! It comes on immediately. And yet, when I hit the internet porn button on my internet, I'm forced to wait… and wait… and wait – sometimes up to a full minute for it to come on! THAT AIN'T RIGHT, AND I'M TIRED OF WHAT AIN'T RIGHT!

Pro tip! Did you know there was a federal law passed this year specifically prohibiting certain “sexy” Halloween costumes? (Pro tip! This is absolutely not true – but tell everyone it is… you'll understand why in a bit.) Thanks to recent “Anti-Halloween Annoyance” legislation passed by congress, women will no longer be allowed to dress up in any of the following annoying Halloween costumes:
Sexy French Maid. Sexy Cheerleader. Sexy School Girl. Sexy Native American. Sexy Kitten. Sexy Bee. Sexy Ladybug. Sexy Pirate. Sexy Cave girl. Sexy Policewoman. Sexy Disney Princess (any and all). Sexy Witch. Sexy Red Riding Hood. Sexy Power Ranger. Sexy Olive Oyl. Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. Sexy Eskimo. Sexy Prisoner. Sexy Angel. Sexy Devil. Sexy Angel/Devil Hybrid. Sexy Fairy. Sexy Captain America. Sexy Clown (there is absolutely nothing sexy about that by the way). Sexy Skunk. Sexy Hippie (again, nothing sexy about that). Sexy Robot. Sexy Statue of Liberty. Sexy Sherlock Holmes. Sexy Hillbilly (this goes triple for guys!!).