Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

It's a big week for television, and we're gonna talk about some of the new Fall shows in just a moment – but first? Christina Ricci's forehead. Can someone please tell me what's going on with it? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, take a moment to Google search “Christina Ricci's forehead.” I'll wait.
(Pause. Pause. Pause.) I KNOW, ISN'T IT AMAZING?? You could play Canadian rules football on that forehead! Her forehead is so big, it's a “fivehead.” You could write the entire Star Wars prologue on that forehead. Her forehead is so big, Republicans want to drill for oil on it. Hey Christina, IMAX called. They want to rent your forehead. Her forehead is so big, it's got it's own zip code (9021-oh shit, that's a big forehead!). In 1974, Evel Knievel tried to jump her forehead. Christina's forehead is where the National Association of Foreheads hold their annual forehead convention. What did Moses say to Christina Ricci? “Dude, I spent 40 years wandering around your forehead. So back off, I'm mad at you right now.” SHE… HAS… A BIG… FOREHEAD!!

Let's take a moment to talk about a very serious subject: INSECURE COPS. You know, our city's police officers have a very difficult job.

In case you haven't heard (or haven't been reminded in the last 45 seconds), this coming weekend marks a very important day of remembrance for Americans – and those who hate Americans. (And NO, it's not Free Slurpee Day at 7-Eleven!!! That was JULY 11, idiot, not SEPTEMBER 11!! Confidential to terrorists: Free Slurpee Day isn't really important to us or anything… I mean, c'mon, right? So there's no reason to, like… oh, I don't know… blow it all up or something. That would be a huge waste of your time. Huge. FYI. BTW. Ahem.)

[Editor's Note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is lazy and on vacation, therefore enjoy this old-timey column from the I Love Television™ crappy column vault, circa 2007.]

You know, the really interesting thing about television is… is… GodDAMMIT! Can you please put that video game controller down and listen to me? It really hurts my feelings when I try to pretend I know something about television, and YOU'RE mashing buttons on that stupid video game machine. Don't you understand?? I have feelings! I have needs! And… NO, I will NOT move out from in front of the screen! Why don't you MOVE OUT? OF OUR HOUSE? Need help carrying your bags? Well, ask your friend Donkey Kong! I SAID, GET OUT!!!

Let's talk… TIME TRAVEL. (And no, it's not just a subject for bespectacled nerds who furiously masturbate to crudely sketched drawings of Princess Leia.) Though often a complete and utter waste of time, the subject of “time travel” can also tell us a lot about ourselves. Example: This Saturday, August 27, at 9:00 p.m., the BBCA network presents the midseason return of Doctor Who – a show normally viewed by those dressed in ill-fitting Star Trek uniforms who violently argue with no one in particular over who would win in a fight between Superman and Wolverine. (Answer: Wolverine… with kryptonite blades.)
And while I'm definitely not one of those “Doctor Who people,” it should be noted that the show's current incarnation is helmed by writer Steven Moffat, who cowrote the freaking BRILLIANT Sherlock reboot that aired earlier this year – so you know it's gonna be both smarty-AND-funny pants. Plus there's a distinct possibility, since this episode is tantalizingly entitled “Let's Kill Hitler,” that someone's going to… you know… kill Hitler.

Okay, let me start out by saying that I have never – not even once in my life – masturbated in a movie theater. This is a point of pride for me, because I'm sure many of my readers can't say the same. The way I see it, a movie theater is a sacred place; one filled with people who came to watch a movie and not necessarily someone (not even me) masturbating. Besides, they build actual “masturbation theaters” (primarily used by unhappily married men, Christians, and Republicans) – so if you want to masturbate while watching a movie? I'd suggest one of those.
HOWEVER! This is NOT to say I've never been tempted to masturbate during a movie at a theater. For example, 1997's Spice World – that movie starring the Spice Girls. (I kind of had a “thing” for Posh.) I was also tempted to masturbate during Schindler's List – not because I was sexually excited, but because then I could say I was the only person in the world to ever masturbate during Schindler's List. (As you can probably tell, my attempts to get into the Guinness Book of World Records have been unsuccessful thus far.)