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First, here’s a shot from the Breaking Bad season four wrap party, where star Bryan Cranston (Walt) dressed up like Hector “Tio” Salamanca (the former crime cartel lackey confined to a wheelchair.
Okay, as you know, I've got an undetermined number of illegitimate children scattered across the country, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH. However! If I ever decide to get in contact with any of them, or (god forbid) “raise” them, I will most certainly NOT be reading them any Grimm's Fairy Tales – because these things are the children's story equivalent to the Saw films. THEY ARE FREAKING FREAKY, YO!
Example one! In the original version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Goldilocks doesn't get a chance to try out any chairs, porridge or beds – because when the bears return home to discover the little girl in their house, they rip her apart and devour her. MORAL: Don't break into a bear's house if you value your intestines.
Example two! In the Disney version of Snow White, the evil queen is so jealous of Snow's beauty, she sends her huntsman to murder her. In the Grimm version, the queen also plans on eating Snow White's liver and lungs for supper, and when she's ultimately defeated at the end of the story? She's forced to wear red-hot iron shoes, causing her to “dance herself to death.” MORAL: Cannibalism is no substitute for a good plastic surgeon.
Why, hello! Last night was the season premiere of The Walking Dead, and I was wondering if you would.
There's two ways of knowing that something exciting is about to happen within the “geek community”: 1) They squeal. A geek squeal is not the squeal of a regular person. It's high-pitched, uncontrollable… and sounds like an elongated version of a basketball court tennis shoe squeak. 2) The smell. When geeks get excited, they emit an aroma not unlike a combination of sweat, burning tires, and Doritos (Cool Ranch).
Here’s a terrific little interview from MTV Geek with Christy Marx, the creator of my fave campy cartoony Jem and the Holograms! A joint collaboration between Marvel and Hasbro (which always means a toy line tie-in), Jem ran from 1985-88, and was an animated soap opera about a band with a holographic lead singer who is actually the head of a music company who disguises herself with the help of a pair of holograph earrings, and it’s all very complicated, and I don’t really feel like explaining it further. The point is that it was AWWWWESOME and “totally outrageous.
First of all, WOW! Now that is how one does a season finale. If you haven’t watched last night’s season ending edition of Breaking Bad (AKA the best show on television, and if you disagree I’ll kick you in the scrabble bag), don’t worry, I’m not going to spoil it for you… other than to say, WOW! Join me after the jump for a quick recap, and let’s unpack this great hour of TV in the comments. C’MON, LET’S GO!
“Here’s that bullet with your name on it that you ordered off Amazon.com! (Crap. I need to work on my ‘killing people’ patter.)”
Slip that butcher knife underneath the couch pillow, because tonight marks the debut of the new Ryan “Glee, Nip/Tuck” campy psychosexual spook fest, American Horror Story (FX, 10 pm). Here’s a description from this week’s I Love Television™:
The plot: An unhappily married couple (Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott) and their teen daughter (Taissa Farmiga) are intent on pulling their family back together.
I don't hate “people.” I really don't. In fact, I love “people” – as a general concept. I love them in the same conceptual way I love “hamburger sandwiches.”
Now, generally speaking, “hamburger sandwiches” are incredibly delicious and fortifying. That being said, occasionally a specific hamburger sandwich will go awry. For example, when a vegan is behind the grill, and your “hamburger” sandwich suddenly tastes like a “grass, hair, and chalk” sandwich. Or when you accidentally sleep with/impregnate the girlfriend of the cook at your favorite hamburger sandwich restaurant – and your hamburger sandwiches begin to acquire not-so-subtle “spit or semen” overtones.
As I mentioned yesterday, last night was like the BIGGEST NIGHT OF TV EVAAAAAARRR, with a poop-ton of new and returning shows to scream, swoon, and yawn over.
Here’s some opinions from across TV-ville (including my own) about what went down last night—but more importantly, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
The Office: In my opinion, this season opener was flatter than a pancake dressing up like Kate Moss for Halloween. I was all revved up for James Spader stepping in and fucking shit up as the new CEO for Sabre—but he was only tangentially involved. The main focus was on the new office manager (I won’t spoil it for those who haven’t watched it yet, but trust me—the choice was uninspired), and everyone involved was 30% more unlikable than at this time last year.
Parks & Recreation: I’ll admit I’ve pooh-poohed this show in the past (due almost entirely to its lackluster first season) but I’m really digging it now—primarily because of the always hilarious Ron Swanson, and the Leslie/Ben romance which is weirdly sweet, charismatic, and not as gaggable as what you ordinarily see on TV. However, I can’t stand April, and therefore she must go.
Whitney: Huh. A live version of Cathy. I didn’t ask for that.
After the jump, the Opinionator gathers opinions from other TV critics regarding their opinions on Charlie’s Angels, Person of Interest, and Prime Suspect!
Holy CRAP!! Tonight marks TV’s biggest night of Fall debuts and season premieres, so make sure all of your DVRs are rolling! And there’s much more coming your way, which you can read about in this week’s I Love Television™ (which inexplicably includes some very cruel taunting of Cristina Ricci’s forehead… yes, I am a monster.) Here’s the most important stuff happening tonight.
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