In Memoriam

Memorial Day! The official holiday for “remembering things,” as originally created by the Hallmark Greeting Card Company back in 1965. Now, I love Memorial Day because a) it reminds me to remember to take a day off from work, and b) it’s the only holiday designed to celebrate a function of the brain. Does the liver get a holiday? MINE CERTAINLY DOESN’T! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Goddammit, I need to remember to get my own comedy show.

Anyway! From what I understand there’s a small segment of people who want to use this holiday solely to remember war veterans. Hey, that’s okay! They can do that. However, I have to say that’s a pretty narrow viewpoint— and don’t we already have a holiday where we remember veterans? What’s it called again? Oh, yeah! VETERAN’S DAY. But whatever—this is America and if you’re forgetful enough to need a holiday that remembers veterans twice, then it’s no skin off my tooter.

That’s why I’m spending this coming Memorial Day my way, and remembering things that are actually worth remembering, such as A) paying child support! B) Getting my prostate examined—by a DOCTOR, dirty bird! C) Putting out the garbage on Tuesdays! And D) Remembering that my boss is paying me to write about television, rather than child support payments, prostates or putting out garbage.

Oh… right.

Anyway THAT’S why I think we should take a moment to remember and pay homage to a few of the TV shows that did their best to entertain us during the 2011-2012 season, but were unceremoniously killed in action (i.e. CANCELED).

IN MEMORIAM

Rob (CBS): Though former SNL star Rob Schneider’s family sitcom Rob only lived for one season, it’s often said that “the brightest stars burn the shortest.” I have no idea if that’s true. Sounds like bullshit, actually. But I’m not interested enough to look it up. Bon voyage, Rob.

The Playboy Club (NBC): One of the most talked about shows of the 2011 season died a gruesome, early death after only three episodes. The Playboy Club will be remembered for… umm… I think I remember boobs.

Luck (HBO): This high-profile horse racing drama starring Dustin Hoffman got sent to the glue factory after three horses died while the show was in production. It also didn’t help that the show was slow-moving and terrible. Sooooo… sorry horses?

Charlie’s Angels (ABC): Mercifully put down after eight astonishingly bad episodes, this violent, not-sexy-enough remake of the ‘70s smash was originally predicted to be one of the hottest shows of the year. NOT BY ME, OF COURSE. (Ahem. Change the subject….) Hey look! Is that a flying hamburger?

Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC): Based on the life of shrill talk show harpy Chelsea Handler (who made things worse by co-starring), Are You There, Chelsea? made it an entire season before it was eventually convicted of being “Involuntarily BOOOOORING!” and executed in state of Texas by lethal injection.

Alcatraz (FOX): A program that will eternally be remembered as “Something-something about dead old-timey prisoners? And a secret government agency? Oh! And the fat guy from Lost? Yep. Don’t remember it.”

Follow me into the afterlife (on Twitter). @WmSteveHumphrey

This article appears in May 24-30, 2012.