Editorial

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from President Obama's State of the Union Address, offering hope in the form of hankies to Democrats – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
This Isn't Fake News
Governor Ted Kulongoski didn't bother to show up as Facebook announced last Thursday that it will build its latest data center in Prineville. Seriously, we aren't making this up: The 124-acre site (which Facebook reportedly settled on because of local climate conditions and generous tax breaks from Prineville and the state of Oregon) will soon harvest and house all of our data for resale to compassionate corporations (err, “all Americans” – see below story), and cost an estimated $188 million, with company site spokesman Tom Furlong saying, “We are very excited to be able to put it in Prineville.” Again, this is actually happening – in Prineville! Creating 200 jobs during its year-long construction and employing 35 full-time workers and “dozens more part-time and contract employees” (quoting the press release) afterward, the data center will surely confuse local cowboys and livestock rustlers, yet diversify Prineville's exports/imports from manufacturing then recycling rubber tires. Until Facebook is replaced by another impossibly unprofitable Internet company, and then the data center will be abandoned, much like Bend's big plans for similar business booms, like Juniper Ridge (remember that mess?), La Pine's efforts to corner the Meth market, and Redmond's claim as having the most used car lots on a single road.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from PodioBooks.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from “Avatar” – a futuristic and fabulous world with no plot and subpar acting but, hey, it looks great – on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Whachusay?
Cracker Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, said that mayonnaise-loving Americans were ready for someone “light-skinned” speaking to them with “no Negro dialect” during the Presidential race in 2008. Retroactively reported by fellow SPF 95-users Mark Halperin and John Heilemann in their book “Game Change” this non-news is being touted by minority-loving Republicans (with African-American GOP Chairman Michael Steele the face of the attack, of course) to make Reid step down and Obama to at last admit he was kidnapped while doing community service work in Chicago and brainwashed by China – A Manchurian Candidate who won not because George W. Bush was an awful president and challengers John “I'm Not Creepy” McCain/Sarah “Huh?” Palin sub-par, but rather, because he's an eloquent, intelligent, and inspirational light-skinned black man.

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from IM, reading his lover's lustful messages to another man, wondering whether to burn her belongings or start Twittering the text, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Which is More Dangerous?
The hypocrisy presently on display rivals an IRS agent at a Tea Party; take a good look at our elected “leaders” still scrambling to score political points on the failed Christmas Day Detroit bombing. Nigerian/Yemeni underwear are indeed dangerous and, apparently, a blessing for GOP fear-mongers. Blasting “weak-kneed Liberals” and citing a plethora of security and intelligence failures, Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich) sent out a fundraising email for his gubernatorial campaign, conveniently ignoring that he's a ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee. Jim DeMint (R-SC) may be the biggest jackass, though, as he blamed Obama and unions for the bombing attempt, conveniently ignoring that he put a procedural hold on any possible approval of Obama's nominee to head the TSA and voted against funding the TSA in early 2009. How did Omar Abdulmutallab get past airline security in Nigeria and Europe?

The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a TSA screening checkpoint, proudly standing naked and asking for that puffing device again, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.

So your dad walks into the American embassy and narcs on you, saying you've fallen in with a bunch of n'er do wells and acting kind of extreme – What do you do? If you're Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab (already refused a visa into Britain for inventing a college he was going to attend) you strap on your special underwear with 80 grams of the explosive substance PETN sown into the crotch (you know he was determined, ouch!) then catch a Northwest flight to Detroit. Not to mock TSA screeners but this beloved reporter has a dog named Stu who is a registered service dog (“Important for emotional stability” reads the letter from my shrink) so I see the holes in the system; still the debate rages which database Umar was on – the one with 18,000 or 500,000 names of a-holes who shouldn't be flying, especially Nigerians with Al Qaeda connections in Yemen. Speaking of a-holes, Republican Peter King used a football analogy for the near catastrophic Christmas day bombing attempt of flight 253, saying, “He [Umar] got right to the 1-yard line.” As Republicans personally blame Obama for all Muslims trying to bomb us (in addition to the economy, “As the World Turns” being cancelled, and why Miley Cyrus can't pose nude, yet) evidence is emerging that this single event may not be so singular, and a payback of sorts. In addition to waging war throughout the Middle East, we're also targeting “extreme” Yemenis, online scammers in Nigeria, turd farmers in Sudan, and Juan Valdez, the Columbian coffee picker, because his beans aren't offering the white-hot-rush that other Columbian exports offer on New Year's Eve.