Animals Can Hurt!

I Love Television™ reader Josh Mason writes: “Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me™: Kudos, sir, for your column last week [“Weenie Dogs Are Worse,” July 27] in which you correctly identify weenie dogs as the worst animal in the universe. I, too, am incredibly phobic of this despised, deranged, and deeply stupid animal that makes me question the very existence of God. Think about it: What kind of God would create a weird, long dog with an insatiable taste for the human ankle? It’s just not right, and it never will be.”

Thank you, Josh, and yes, I totally agree. If there’s a God, it’s little wonder he resides in heaven where his ankles are not constantly subject to senseless, vicious attacks from the most craven, ugly, maniacally unhinged animal on earth. HOWEVER! While we can all agree there should be strict laws severely limiting the ownership and movement of these creatures—I think weenie dogs should be strapped down on a gurney and forced to wear the Hannibal Lecter hockey mask from The Silence of the Lambs—let’s not forget there are other filthy animals which are almost as dangerous.

For example: the billy goat! Full disclosure: I once temporarily owned a billy goat—but only because (a) my house was filthy, (b) I couldn’t afford a maid, and (c) you see where I’m going with this. But here’s the problem with billy goats: They don’t discriminate. As it turns out, billy goats don’t give two billy craps whether they’re eating unwanted credit-card applications, last week’s paycheck, a pot of spaghetti you left on the stove all week, or your genitals while you’re asleep. In short, billy goats are baaaaaaaah-d. (Sorry.)

Example two: the cockatoo! Jesus Christ, cockatoos are mean! My poor brother owned one of these monstrosities, and while it loved his wife, it hated him. One late night while everyone was asleep, my brother padded to the kitchen for a drink of water. That’s when he noticed in the darkness… the cockatoo’s cage was open. Frantically looking around, his blood froze when he heard the ominous “click-click-click” of cockatoo claws creeping across the floor toward him… The bird leered at him in the faint light, a murderous look on its beak. Naturally, my brother panicked—and tripping over a kitchen chair, he was sent sprawling to the ground, at which point the cockatoo attacked, taking a sizable chunk of lobe from his ear. His screams echoed throughout the house. And to this day, my brother still can’t hear the click-click of toenail trimming without calling his therapist.

OH, BUT THAT’S NOT ALL! There are fearsome animals aplenty on TV this week, including When Fish Attack 3 (Discovery, Thurs Aug 4, 10 pm) in which finny foes decide to put the human ass on their hook; The Invaders (Nat Geo Wild, Sat Aug 6, 9 pm) featuring the marauding hippos of former drug king Pablo Escobar… no, I’m not kidding; and a new show entitled Hillbilly Handfishin’ (Animal Planet, Sun Aug 7, 10 pm), in which a hayseed leads city folk into the river to catch horrifyingly large catfish BY HAND. (Personally, I’m more scared of the hillbilly! Haven’t these people ever seen Deliverance??)

Gahhh! COCKATOO!

steve@portlandmercury.com

This article appears in Aug 4-10, 2011.