Haunted by Shame: When Your Body Won't Follow Your Mind - The Source

Dear Dr. Jane,

I have been having a lot of issues in my relationship lately. I think it’s because of my upbringing. I was raised in a very conservative church, and even though my husband wasn’t, we both grew up with a lot of shame around intimacy. I know we have a great relationship in a lot of ways, but when I think about what’s going on in our bedroom, I feel very sad. I love my husband with all my heart, but when he hits on me, I feel my body tighten. It’s almost like I’m repulsed. I avoid sex because I can’t handle these feelings. I tell him that I’m very attracted to him, which is real, but he doesn’t believe me. This is particularly true when we don’t have enough sex, or he thinks I’m not into it. Can you help me?

From,
Feeling Confused in Bend

Dear Confused,

I hear about this situation all the time. Many of us were raised with a feeling that intimacy is shameful rather than something healthy and healing. There’s a sense of disconnect — even when both people work beautifully as partners and love each other very much. What we often don’t understand is that the root of this challenging feeling is somatic. It’s shame stored in the body.

Sexual shame is like the ghost that haunts us at Halloween. Even after the mind has moved on, shame stays in the body. This feeling of being haunted by shame is super hard to deal with. And it’s not just about sex. Shame is the critical voice that shows up all the time. It’s the voice that says “Those jeans don’t look right” or “You’re too old to wear that skirt,” even when the clothes are just fine.

You want to feel different in your body. This is a common experience for many people. Like everyone, you want to feel confident, playful and at ease. This makes perfect sense. It should be easier. You’ve done the work, been through therapy, maybe even done retreats or plant medicine. Your mind is on board. It’s got good answers and deep understanding. That’s definitely important, but shame is stored in the body. This is why you can’t think this feeling away.

I understand. Here’s what I recommend:

Slow down and just notice. Be present with your body and allow yourself to relax. Relaxation is so important. Your body learned this tense and distrustful feeling over time. It happened through repetition. The feeling won’t disappear immediately, but it will soften as you become more and more relaxed. Allow yourself to connect to your body as a human, a wonderful, sacred human who has perfect imperfections. Do your best to love yourself.
Give your body evidence of safety. Offer your body small, low-stakes experiences, such as a warm bath or some kind of non-invasive touch, so that you feel safe. Try exploring sensations when you’re alone, like stroking your arm with a silk scarf. Maybe get a therapeutic massage.
Use breath and orienting. Take long exhales and notice what’s actually here in this room, right now. Say this mantra quietly or out loud: “I’m safe in this body, right here and right now.”
Talk to the part that’s still scared. There’s a part of you that’s still scared, and it’s OK to talk to that part and let your body know that it’s all right to be afraid. The scared part is actually your body’s way of doing the job it was told to do. Now it has a new job: allowing, opening and receiving. Acknowledge and validate it.
Go at the body’s pace. Don’t try to rush. Even small experiences with intimacy, like physical holding, touching or warmth, can help. You can improve your relationship without feeling pressured to create something that looks or feels like what you used to call intimacy. “Intimacy” was often not intimate. It was a sexual experience that feels damaging when it doesn’t work well for both people.

It’s fall. The trees are losing their leaves. Just like the trees, you can allow these feelings to gently and easily fall. You’re prepared for something new. You got this.

Xoxo,
Dr. Jane