Intimacy in Marriage

Dear Dr. Jane,

I am having some problems in my marriage. We’ve been married for about 10 years and have two busy kids. The problem is intimacy. Even though we have sex a couple of times a month, my husband is really unhappy about it. He says that he doesn’t think we’re ever actually intimate, which I don’t understand. I don’t get what he’s complaining about because I’m always the one who offers to connect. He never seems very interested and rejects me fairly often. Another problem I have is with sexual pain. When we have sex, it starts out fairly fast and sometimes it even hurts me. I put up with it because I think it’s important for our marriage but it’s not working for either of us.

What’s going wrong?

From,

Got a Problem in the Bedroom

Dear Got a Problem,

Thanks so much for reaching out. I hear about this type of problem all the time. One of the things that you didn’t mention was if you actually ever actually enjoy the sex you’ve been having. Do you have orgasms? You mentioned that it starts off very fast and that sometimes you feel pain. That happens to a lot of people — usually it’s because they aren’t adequately warmed up before sex starts. One thing that many people don’t realize is that women often need something very different than their male partners to feel open to physical intimacy. When they are rushed, the experience can be uncomfortable or even very painful. Because if the experience isn’t enjoyable for you, your partner will know that you’re not into it and will feel a lack of desire on your part.

Here’s what I recommend to make things better:

Redefine sex: Lots of people define physical intimacy in a very limited way. They think that it’s only intercourse – not other sex acts that are often even more pleasurable for women, things like kissing, oral sex, touch or massage. In fact, people often refer to other things as “foreplay” – meaning they’re only important as a way to get to the real thing.

Because people are raised to think this way, they rush to do “it” thinking that “it” is what might make them feel closer. However in an ideal world, “it” is just one part of the whole experience. For many women, penetrative sex without any clitoral stimulation is seldom associated with orgasm. In fact, lots of women are very disappointed to learn that penetrative sex alone is much less pleasurable than they’d been told to expect.

Slow it down: The key is to slow down the whole sexual experience. Many studies indicate that the average sex act in the U.S. lasts somewhere between five and seven minutes. This may be long enough for a man to achieve orgasm, but women need much longer for full pleasure — even as long as 20 or even 40 minutes of appropriate stimulation to climax.

Focus on real pleasure: Because penetrative sex isn’t often a significant source of pleasure for women, it’s crucial that you and your partner explore other fun things together. It’s physically impossible to desire what isn’t actually pleasurable. Make it fun. Figure out what you REALLY like and ask for it. You might be able to coach yourself through “doing it” because you think that it’s important, but actually desiring sex without pleasure isn’t possible. This is particularly true when you feel physical pain during the experience.

Get professional help: You mentioned that sometimes you have pain during sex. Pain is the body’s way of helping you know what NOT to do. Don’t do anything that doesn’t feel good.

I recommend that in addition to slowing things down and exploring different activities, talk with a medical provider and/or a pelvic floor physical therapist to address the discomfort and pain you’re having.

You got this.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

PS: By the way, even when a woman does have an orgasm, sex can be unsatisfying for her. Men often have trouble accepting this, but studies indicate that quality sex is more holistic and expansive for women than it is for many men. Orgasm isn’t always enough.

— Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach. Send her your questions at thesource@drjaneguyn.com.

This article appears in the Source September 11, 2025.