My Wife Doesn't Seem Interested - The Source

Dear Dr. Jane,

I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I adore my wife.. I want to touch her all the time. Unfortunately, it seems like our relationship isn’t a priority to her. She doesn’t seem interested in me. I’m not going to cheat on my wife. I made a solemn vow on our wedding day 15 years ago. My love language is physical touch. Why won’t she touch me? I can hardly think about anything else.

From,

Starving for Touch

Dear Starving,

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I saw someone with this problem in my office this week and told him that many couples are experiencing the same thing. He said that was like saying “lots of people have cancer” to someone who’s just been diagnosed. The fact that this is very common doesn’t make your situation any better.

What should you do?

Tip #1 Sloooow down

I know you’re frustrated and impatient. This makes my advice difficult to follow. But, one of the common problems couples’ experience is that the sex is too fast for the woman. This might be true even though she hurries you to finish because she wants to get it over with. This may be confusing because she might climax but to be honest, orgasm in a woman doesn’t necessarily indicate true arousal. Men don’t usually relate to this. Your wife can be barely turned on and still climax with her vibrator. Climax can be a very powerful experience for a woman, but it can also be just a reflexive response that doesn’t include the passionate pleasure experience that many women are capable of. Sometimes, women don’t realize this themselves.

Tip #2: Recognize that you might not have the same sex drive (or want the same thing)

There are several reasons for this. One is of course a basic difference in general libido. You may have an inherently higher sex drive than she does. This isn’t unusual. Men have a much higher testosterone level than their wives do. Testosterone levels can definitely influence libido. She may have her own hormonal changes happening because of pregnancy or postpartum issues. She may be in peri-menopause or menopause.

On the other hand, she might be turned on but just not turned on to you right now. This isn’t necessarily about you personally. It could be more about who she is in her life. Or, this could be related to the type of sex you’re having. You may want what you call “intimacy” but she might call it “getting you off.” Explore her interests in the bedroom to figure out if she really likes what you two have been doing together.

Tip #3: Understand that your wife might be experiencing a lot of stress

Your wife may be feeling a lot of stress from everyday concerns in her life. Whatever’s going on will generally impact her desire for sex. You may wonder why your wife doesn’t want to be intimate when things are stressful. To you, sex may be a great sex reducer. It might seem like it’s a stress reliever for her also. But many women have trouble “getting out of their heads” enough to get into bed.

Tip #4 Don’t overwhelm her

When you show up really interested, you might overwhelm her. Women often tell me that they don’t want to even touch their husbands because they’re worried that their husband will “pounce on them.” They hold back from any kind of loving touch in order to protect themselves from a demand for sex. This is difficult for their husbands when the husband’s love language is physical touch, because touch makes them feel loved. Pace yourself. Don’t overdo it.

I know that this experience is really frustrating for you. You might be surprised to realize that it’s frustrating to your wife as well. Women tell me that they feel really bad about themselves when their husbands are never satisfied sexually. It makes them feel inadequate. Sometimes, they’ll have sex to “put him in a better mood” but that’s not usually satisfying for either party. Try the ideas I’ve shared above. You can make things better. You got this.

Xoxo

Dr. Jane

This article appears in the Source October 9, 2025.