Dear Dr. Jane,
My wife and I have friends who’ve opened their marriage recently. We’re not into that completely, but lately we’ve been talking about going to a sex club. It’s my idea, but she’s also curious. This isn’t because we actually want to be swingers. We’ve always wondered what goes on there, and we do want to spice things up. What actually happens in these kinds of places?
—Curious in Central Oregon
Dear Curious,
I can answer your basic questions to get you started. The next steps are personal ones that only the two of you can answer.
What actually IS a sex club?
A sex club in the U.S. is not typically a public place. It’s a privately held space that you “join,” either for one night or longer. It may look and feel like a bar, but legally it’s more like a private party. Many clubs and groups require an introduction from a current member before you can attend. Each one handles this differently, so do some research on their website in advance.
What actually happens at a sex club?
That depends on you and on the hosts.
The main thing to know is this: if explicit consent isn’t front and center in everything the hosts present, you should not attend. Never feel compelled to participate in any activity at any time. No means no, on every level.
So what’s going on once you put on a wristband and step inside that mysterious venue? Activities generally fall into these categories:
- Dancing and flirting, with or without nudity or sexual activity
- Watching other people have sex in a public space, as couples or in groups
- Having sex as a couple in a private space, either just the two of you or with others
- Having sex in a public space, either just the two of you or with others
That’s pretty much it. Safer sex supplies are provided, volunteers typically monitor cleanliness and guest behavior and there’s music and beverages. Cameras and phones are not allowed.
So now you know what happens there. But the real question isn’t what happens at a sex club. It’s how you feel about going, and how your partner feels.
When people ask me about going to a sex club, I want to know the question underneath the question. The idea is rarely about the club. It’s usually about novelty, desire or something missing. Here are a few questions to ask yourselves before you pull out your sexy lingerie and head on over.
Question #1: Is this an “add” idea or a “fix” idea?
When clients in my sessions ask about sexual exploration, like visiting a sex club or opening the relationship in some other way, I’m curious what’s really behind it. I ask how they got the idea, what they imagine will happen, and whose idea it was. I’m wondering whether they’re building on something that already feels strong, or hoping this will be a rescue plan for a tired or failing intimate relationship.
Question #2: What are you hoping this gives you as a couple?
When you imagine going, what do you hope to take away from the evening? What have your friends told you about what happens there? What are your desires, fears and boundaries? How will you communicate with each other during the experience in a way that lets you both feel respected and understood?
Question #3: What are you afraid it might take away from you?
Even if you don’t take part in any sexual activity, the experience will likely affect you. In our culture, sex is private. If you’re like most people, you’ve never watched real people having sex in real time. This can be a positive or negative experience, depending on how each of you responds. The experience can go either way, sometimes just seeing your partner’s face while watching other couples can be unsettling, and either way, you can’t “unsee” it.
A trip to a sex club can be an exciting event for any couple. It’s definitely not for everyone, but if you think about what I’ve written here and communicate your feelings clearly, it could be something you really enjoy.
You got this.
XOXO,
Dr. Jane
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