Dear Dr. Jane,
I was married for over 20 years to my former wife. We had a sexless marriage for the last couple of years, but I never had any stamina issues when we were still intimate. Since the divorce, I’ve been dating, and I finally found a really nice woman — we’re exclusive now. Everything is going well except for one problem: my performance. I’m 44, eat healthy, work out, and I’m very attracted to my partner. I don’t take any medications other than Viagra, which gives me headaches. I’m starting to dread sex, even though I love her. My doctor says there’s nothing medically wrong. Can you help?
From,
Stressed Out About Sex in Bend
Dear Stressed Out,
I get this question all the time in my office, and the truth is, men have been given some misleading information about their sexuality their whole lives. They’re taught that arousal equals erection — and that’s often true. But it’s not always true, and when it isn’t, men tend to read it as failure. They worry they “have ED.” Real erectile dysfunction is a legitimate medical condition, but a lot of the time, that’s not what’s actually happening. Most of the men I see have already been cleared by a doctor before they ever sit down with me. There’s nothing physically wrong. The doctor has told them “the plumbing works just fine,” and they’re left upset and confused. That sounds like your situation.
What they don’t realize is that a man’s body isn’t wired to prioritize sex during periods of stress. Think back to early human history: if something dangerous had interrupted sex, an erection in that moment would have been a liability, not an asset. The same wiring is still active today. Your body doesn’t distinguish between “danger” and “the low hum of everyday stress” — it just reads tension and responds accordingly. A nervous penis is a soft penis.
So what’s a guy to do? Here’s the catch: worrying about your erections makes them less reliable, and unreliable erections make you worry more. It’s a loop. The way out isn’t trying harder — it’s the opposite. Talk to your partner about what’s going on. Remind her this isn’t a reflection of her or how attracted you are to her. Ask her to talk about it with you, openly, and to reassure you. Shift your focus from erection to sensation. Slow down. That’s genuinely it. I know that’s easy to say and harder to do — but it works.
Here’s what you (and your partner) need to remember:
- An erection isn’t the same thing as arousal. It’s one possible sign of arousal, not the whole picture. You can be turned on, present, and engaged without being hard. Treating softness as proof that nothing else is real is what causes the shutdown — not the stress itself.
- Evaluating yourself during intimacy is the problem, not the solution. Arousal requires more than excitement — it requires a felt sense of safety. When you’re tracking your own “performance” (“is this good enough, does she like this?”), you pull your nervous system into threat mode, which is the opposite of the relaxed state arousal actually needs.
- If it happens again, don’t panic. One difficult moment is information, not a diagnosis. What turns a single stressful episode into a lasting pattern is the story you tell yourself about it afterward. A partner’s reassurance — spoken out loud, not just assumed — does far more to break that cycle than trying to white-knuckle through it alone.
You’re not alone in this. A significant number of men experience some version of this in their 40s. Keep your attention on pleasure, not performance. Reassure your partner it’s not about her. You’ve got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane
Dr. Jane Guyn is a sexologist, intimacy coach, and author of Too Busy to Get Busy. She practices in Bend and writes Understanding Intimacy for the Source Weekly.
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