Understanding Intimacy

My wife and I have a good enough relationship, but we’d like to spice things up a little. She was talking with a friend about intimacy the other day and her friend mentioned sex toys. She thinks that we should get a vibrator. I’m all for making things better in the bedroom, but I wonder why my wife needs something that I can’t provide. I know I shouldn’t take her interest in getting a vibrator personally, but I guess I still do. Can you help me get over my hang-up about sex toys? And how should I choose a toy for her? There are so many! I went to the sex store the other day to take a look but I was too overwhelmed and embarrassed to buy anything.

From,
Sex Toy Virgin

Dear Virgin,

I get this question pretty often. I know it’s challenging to realize that you can’t necessarily be everything to your partner. Lots of people feel this way. It’s totally normal. Sex toys can be a playful and pleasurable addition to your relationship without taking anything away. Your wife might enjoy sex even more with you when you add sex toys to the menu.

I know that it’s difficult to figure out the best toy to buy. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of possibilities. Where should you begin?

The first thing you need to know is that there are three basic categories of sex toys: toys to use on the outside of her body, toys to use on the inside of her body and toys to use on the backside of her body! The good news about the backside toys is that there are some of them that are specifically designed for you as a guy.

Here’s a little bit about those three types of toys:

Toys for the outside

Sex toys designed for clitoral and labial stimulation can enhance your wife’s pleasure when she’s playing with you (or by herself). You could get her clitoral vibrators such as a bullet vibe or a wand massager. The good thing about these types of toys is that they offer targeted vibration for intense stimulation and possibly powerful orgasms. Some toys also provide specific stimulation to the inner and outer lips (labia). Including these toys into your sex life can bring variety and deepen your connection.

Toys for the inside

You could also get your wife a dildo or another sex toy that’s designed for internal play. These toys are available in various sizes, textures and shapes. You could get her a dildo with added features like vibrating functions or suction cups. Some women enjoy vibrating eggs or bullets to strengthen pelvic floor muscles while providing pleasure. When you select a dildo, choose body-safe materials. Use water-based lubricant and maintain proper hygiene. I also recommend stainless steel or glass toys for penetration. Medical-grade silicone is also good. You’ll likely find that introducing something like a dildo or other type of internal sex toy will bring novelty, exploration and enhanced pleasure to your sex life. These toys can be used to stimulate her G-spot or for what I call “containment” — the feeling of fullness that many women enjoy. Dildos can be vibrating or non-vibrating. There are lots and lots of options for you.

Toys for the backside

Anal toys can provide heightened pleasure and exploration. For guys like you, prostate massagers can target and stimulate your prostate gland, leading to intense orgasms. Your wife might like anal beads or plugs for an arousing sensation and a feeling of fullness. Be sure to prioritize safety, hygiene and comfort. Start with smaller-sized toys and use plenty of water-based lubricant. One thing that’s really important about anal toys is that they should always have a phalange shaped end to anchor them so they don’t accidentally get lost. When you use anal toys, be sure to use lots of lubrication and go slowly.

What do you think? Can you imagine using one or more of these types of toys in your relationship? This could be the start of something amazing.

You got this.
Xoxo,
Dr. Jane

—Dr. Jane Guyn (she/her) is a well-known relationship coach who received her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and is trained as a Professional Sex Coach and Core Energy Coach.

This article appears in Source Weekly October 12, 2023.